


The Abyss Looks Back

by kannachan27



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Everyone Needs A Hug, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Let Sakamoto Ryuji Say Fuck, Mental Health Issues, Metaverse (Persona 5), Minor Suzui Shiho/Takamaki Ann, Multi, NaNoWriMo 2020, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Persona 5 Protagonist is from Inaba, Persona 5 Spoilers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Social Links | Confidants (Persona Series), Takamaki Ann deserves better, Therapy, Trauma Recovery, implied romance at this point, multiple personas make an appearance, powers outside the metaverse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:09:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27323275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kannachan27/pseuds/kannachan27
Summary: “What if there is no real me?”That question again. That worry that ate him alive with every conversation he had with a Shadow, every new Persona he gained. With every “I am thou” he heard, he wondered: if there are so many of me, who amI?You are the Fool, he heard Justine’s soft voice whisper.You are the Wild Card. You are everything, and nothing, all at once.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Persona 5 Protagonist, Akechi Goro & Phantom Thieves of Hearts, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist, Maruki Takuto & Persona 5 Protagonist, Persona 5 Protagonist & Phantom Thieves of Hearts, Persona 5 Protagonist & Takamaki Ann
Comments: 34
Kudos: 103





	1. Throw Away Your Mask

**Author's Note:**

> In true "Pantser" fashion, I ran into NaNoWriMo 2020 after scrapping ALL of my ideas hours before midnight and decided that I'd write the first thing that flowed from my fingertips. Well, this happened and now I'm committed to the idea. I'm also posing it about 20 minutes after I finished writing the first chapter, and this hasn't lived in my head long enough for the idea to be fleshed out in any way but it sure does like it here! I will add tags as I get further into the writing process.
> 
> Also, I intend to tackle various mental health issues that come up during the series that don't really get dealt with. I also intend to tackle Ann's issues regarding Kamoshida because I think that was really poorly handled and she deserves better.

**Chapter 1** : _Throw Away Your Mask_

Sure, it was definitely just a publicity stunt by the school to make it look like they care about the students who were hurt by Kamoshida, but... honestly? Ren had actually been a little excited to meet the school appointed therapist. He couldn’t say that to Ryuji, of course, but at least Ann seemed to understand a little bit. He was silently grateful that she’d taken the initiative and set up an appointment with... Maruki-sensei? Yes, Maruki-sensei. That was his name. And Maruki-sensei approaching the three of them as a group made it even easier. He didn’t need to justify it to anyone: the school had made the counseling session mandatory.

To be blunt, Ren was tired - mentally and emotionally - from more than just the recent trips to fight Shadows. He had been considering asking about counseling - discreetly, of course - even before everything happened and he ended up here on probation. With the assault charge, he was a little surprised that they didn’t _require_ he see a therapist.

He had been planning on leaving Morgana home, or sneaking out one night, and asking Takemi-sensei if that was something that she did, or if she would provide him with a referral to someone who she trusted and was also as discreet as she was. He expected that Takemi-sensei was just waiting for him to muster up enough Guts and approach her about it. Her sharp eyes missed nothing. He suspected that their current doctor and patient-turned-guinea pig relationship was too important for her to risk it all. It was too early for them to truly trust each other enough for her to overstep that boundary, and he was barely more than a Milquetoast. Maybe he’d be able to ask if he was Dauntless.

So, really, this entire situation worked out in his favor. He was quietly thankful that Maruki-sensei had approached them, and even more so that the school had decided mandatory a counseling session for anyone who was impacted by “The Kamoshida Incident” was an appropriate response… even if it was only for PR.

Now, nobody in Inaba would give him any trouble about it once he explained the circumstances. He can hear the granny’s whispering to each other - _honestly, what kind of unpleasantness do those city folk get up to if they allowed a teacher to sexually harass and abuse students to the point that the school needed to bring in a_ **therapist.**

As long as he could spin everything just right... A few protests to Ryuji would be sufficient, along with some slightly less-than-enthusiastic griping. He wouldn’t have to fake that, as giving up his precious afternoons _did_ actually cut into his goals in a way he hadn’t anticipated, and he was legitimately upset about having yet another thing on his schedule. 

When he worried about needing to drive the final nail home, wondering if he might be overdoing it or maybe he wasn’t believable enough, Maruki-sensei had appeared and gave him the perfect cover: a deal. He made deals all the time. 

When he talked to Ryuji about it later, he emphasized that he was following through on his end of the deal. It made sense, didn’t it, that if he attended more sessions with Maruki-sensei he would receive more mental training? Wasn’t that _perfect_ for the leader of the Phantom Thieves?

Secretly, he wondered if Ryuji and Ann had forgotten how quickly he had said “yes” when the only reward had been the offer of a snack.

He wondered, later still, about the authenticity of some of his relationships since they were initiated on a transactional basis. Sometimes that was all they really wanted from him, but in other cases... what if he wasn’t good enough by virtue of being himself, and they actually just wanted what he was able to provide? Where did the transaction end, and the relationship begin?

How much was Ren and how much was Joker?

The door had barely closed behind them, with refreshments served and both of them comfortably seated before Maruki said something that stunned Ren.

“No more hiding, Ren. I want you to throw away your mask. Let your guard down. Stop pretending. I promise you’re safe with me.” Gone was the earnest, clumsy man, and instead what sat in front of Ren was someone with sharp eyes that pierced something deep inside of him. Though sharp, Maruki-sensei’s gaze was no less kind, and his smile was so soft. Compassionate.

This was his second meeting with Maruki-sensei but it felt so much different than the first one. This Maruki-sensei was someone he could not hide from, and what’s more, someone who would not allow him to hide.

Ren couldn’t say anything around the sudden lump in his throat. He hunched his shoulders forward and twisted his long bangs between his fingers, staring at a spot on the floor and trying to ignore the burning behind his eyes.

“It’s a lot. But I’m asking you to believe in me. I know you don’t trust me yet - that will come in time - but I do truly believe that you don’t need to suffer from anything. No more tears, no more suffering. That’s what my goal is, anyway. Who you are outside of these sessions - that’s allowed to be whatever it is. But in here, with me? No hiding. No pretending. I promise I will do the same.”

“But what if,” Ren stopped and cleared his throat, the words having pushed themselves out before he could stop them. His face and chest burned hot with the shame and embarrassment- not only from not being able to control himself, but also because of the thought that was begging to be spoken aloud for the first time in his entire life. Kushi-Mitama pressed at him to trust and to allow the words to escape him. 

“Please, Ren. What if?” Maruki’s voice was quiet, encouraging. Patient.

 _Look not with your eyes_ , Kushi-Mitama was urging him. _See as I see._

Ren allowed himself to accept Kushi-Mitama and looked at Maruki-sensei again, through eyes that saw with the soul within his soul. 

Compassion. Healing. The fruit of the harvest. Transformation. 

Trusting that, though we are sacrificing now as the fall fades into winter, the spring will always come. We endure the hardship in order to welcome the bounty of plenty.

Lance the wound and drain the infection in order to heal the wound.

“What if... inside me? Behind the mask? What if there’s... nothing?”

Ren felt the shift in his soul at that moment, the opening of a hidden door, the strain of chains holding it closed before the links began to crumble and release. The Bond he’d made with Maruki-sensei had felt like a whisper compared to the strength that was beginning to show itself now. The moment that the superficial bond became True. When he got a glimpse of the potential.

_It shall become the wings of rebellion that breaks thy chains of captivity._

Maruki-sensei’s expression never changed. Though Ren’s heart was pounding so hard that he thought it would break free from his chest, Maruki-sensei didn’t appear to be affected by Ren’s admission.

It was... reassuring.

“Tell me more?” 

A simple request, spoken softly. Ren averted his eyes, staring again at the spot on the floor and shrugged.

Maruki-sensei didn’t press for more details,, but he also didn’t say anything further. With tension still thick in the air, Ren struggled to find the words, but soon he began to speak. Clumsy, stilted sentences. But he started to put words to what he didn’t want to admit, and Maruki-sensei listened.

Maruki-sensei _listened._

“Thank you, Ren. You did great work today. I’m very, very proud of you. I am honored that you have chosen to trust me and confide in me. I do need to stop you for today, as it is getting a bit late.” Maruki paused and considered Ren in that moment: twisting his hair, shoulders pushed forward, head bowed, body tense like a bow string. Softly, “Would you like to come back next week, Ren?”

Ren’s head shot up, and he looked at Maruki with terribly wide, vulnerable eyes. “I... I can come back?” He swallowed, aware that his voice was rough and the question had come out as more of a croak. “But the school—“

“Ren,” Maruki said his name gently, “outside of school I am a licensed councilor. Before I accepted this position, I had a practice and patients; I will absolutely meet with you outside of obligations to this school. It would be my privilege if you would allow me to walk this path with you.”

Maruki opened his date book, turning the pages until it was open to the following week and set it down on the table that separated them from each other, gently pushing it towards Ren with a pen. 

“That is my schedule, Ren. We have already agreed to meet immediately after school ends. Please pick a day that works best with you and I will make time for you next week.” He smiled. “As you can see, next week is fairly empty in the afternoon so it will be no trouble at all. You are not inconveniencing me in any way. If you’d feel more comfortable meeting outside of the school, I can do that as well.”

Ren licked his lips and glanced between Maruki and the book on the table. His fingers twitched in an aborted motion to pick up the pen. “Can I,” Ren paused and glanced between Maruki and the book again. “Can I just pop in when I’m free instead of picking a date?”

Maruki’s smile softened. “Unfortunately that doesn’t work very well for me, as I do have a more regimented schedule. Well, usually.” He laughed for a moment. That one moment was long enough for Ren to retreat again, hunching over and trying to make himself smaller. Maruki looked at his schedule again, mentally going through his monthly routine of appointments, responsibilities, and obligations, before he saw a solution.

“How about this: Mondays and Fridays, I can keep my schedule light, so we can meet on one of those days as you feel you need it. If I don’t hear from you by lunchtime on either of those days I will assume that you don’t intend to meet with me. Of course, if you decide later that you do want to talk, you may come and visit but I may not be available.”

“Mondays and Fridays?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“And... I just let you know at lunchtime?”

“That’s right. You have my contact information, too, so you can reach out to me that way if you prefer it.”

Ren had glanced up through his bangs again, his eyes murky as the two of them studied one another: Maruki, gentle and earnest in his desire to help, and Ren, a child who was silently suffering from a soul-deep pain.

“Okay,” Ren said, looking away.

Maruki smiled widely.

Ren Amamiya would be saved.

Before leaving, Ren brought up the deal that he had made with Maruki-sensei — the second one — and insisted that he fulfills his end of the bargain. He had agreed to assist with the research, after all, and Ren did not intend to go back on his word. The Ren that Maruki-sensei spoke with then was not the same teenager he had spent the last hour with. All defenses had been raised, and Ren Amamiya looked out at the world through the mask of what he would one day call _Joker._


	2. Come Out Of The Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren and Ann visit Inokashira Park. Maruki and Ren discuss betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 2! If you haven't revisited chapter 1 since the original posting, please do so as I have made substantial edits and additions since uploading it.

**Chapter 2** : _Come Out Of The Cave_

Ann confided in him first about the meetings with Maruki-sensei. She’d invited Ren out to talk about making her heart stronger, but they soon found themselves chatting in Inokashira Park, Ann sitting on the fence with her legs crossed, bouncing her foot. 

“So, I met with Maruki-sensei again.” Ann’s voice was soft, but her eyes blazed like he was facing her in battle, the fire of Carmen burning brightly inside of her. It was like she was daring him to speak up and say something against her. If he concentrated, he could almost smell smoke.

Instead, Ren settled down on the ground to listen to her speak, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning his face into his hands. “You did?” He asked, looking up at her.

Ann blinked, shock washing over her before all the fight drained out of her and a brilliant smile came over her face. “Of course you wouldn’t judge me, it’s _you_ after all,” she muttered. “I did, actually. And… I think I’m going to see him again.” She exhaled like she had been holding her breath, and Ren knew he hadn’t imagined it - the scent of smoke was gone from the air just as quickly as it had come.

“Wanna tell me about it, Ann? You know I’ll support you. I’m sure you have your reasons, so if you don’t wanna tell me that’s okay too. Promise on my honor as a Phantom Thief.” Ren smirked up at her, wiggling his eyebrows until she laughed.

“Thanks, Ren. You know, you’re really good at reading the mood. Unlike some people and cats-who-aren’t-cats that we know.”

“It’s part of my Charm,” he agreed seriously.

Ann laughed again. They sat in silence for a few minutes, then:

“I’m… really upset about Shiho, you know? She was the one who I could talk to about _anything_ , but in the end we were both hiding things from each other. And now…” Ann’s voice cracked and she stared up at the sky. 

“I thought maybe it would help if I talked to him about that, you know? And, like, we were talking a little bit during that first meeting and I liked him. So I thought, maybe… Maybe I should go back.”

Ren nodded.

“It’s not just that, though. As if it’s not enough. It’s just… Changing Kamoshida’s heart and making him confess was a good start. Like, okay - he’s going to be judged by the law and all of that. But does it really help his victims?”

“Ann…”

“I chose not to destroy his Shadow, Ren, and I stand by that choice. I do. But knowing that Shiho may never…” Ann angrily wiped the tears away with the butt of her hand. “Does this really help _us_ , Ren? I have to live with the burden of what he did to me, too. All of us do. If Kamoshida goes to prison, will that make what he did to us any less painful? Will it erase the memories, Ren?” She seemed to crumple forward more than anything else, drawing her face down to her knees and threading her fingers through her bangs as she began to cry in earnest.

Ren straightened his leg out, reaching with it just enough that he could bump the toe of his shoe against Ann’s. “I hear you, Ann,” he said quietly, turning his gaze on the sky. “I’m here with you.”

They sat like that for a while, until Ann’s crying subsided and only the occasional sniffle remained. Soon, those were calming and Ann called his name, causing him to look over at her.

“Thank you.”

He smiled and bumped her foot again. “No problem, Ann.” 

Then: “You have snot on your face. And your eyes are all splotchy.”

“Huh?” Ann squawked, and he smelled the smoke in the air again. “Of course it is, you jackass! Honestly.”

“I have tissues in my bag?” Ren offered, standing quickly and moving out of Ann’s reach before she could retaliate. 

They were walking out of the park when Ren glanced over at Ann, her makeup fixed by some sort of magic that he assumed came from an enchanted pocket mirror and the cosmetics she’d pulled out of her bag. She walked as if a weight had been removed from her shoulders, and her smile was wide and easy as long as they stayed far enough apart that they didn’t brush against each other. He felt like he understood her better now. Her heart was strong enough where it counted, no matter what she thought, and he could feel the strength of her heart filling him in ways that he couldn’t have anticipated. It gave him courage.

“I’ll go talk to him on Friday,” Ren said quietly.

Ann’s eyes were incredibly blue when she smiled that brightly.

“When do you truly feel pain in your heart?” Maruki-sensei’s question was straightforward, but it cut Ren to the core. It made him think.

“When someone betrays me,” he decided. “I feel it when I get punched, and when I lie, too, I guess. But when someone betrays me… That’s the worst kind of pain.”

“I see…” Maruki-sensei was quiet for a moment, turning the words over in his mind. “Yes, I can sympathize there. Sometimes, all it takes is one betrayal for intense trust to turn into intense pain.”

“I just… never understood that, I guess?”

“Hmm? Understood what, Ren?”

Ren looked at the table, feeling the weight of Maruki-sensei’s gaze upon him while he tried to put his thoughts into words.

“How you can betray someone like that, I guess. It’s hard to explain.” Ren tugged at his bangs, twisting and twirling the strands in his fingers.

“Would you try and put it into words for me? I understand the sentiment, but I’d like to hear what you think of it in your own words.”

“I guess I feel like when you trust someone, and they trust you, and you have a relationship with someone like that… you would give your all to protect that relationship, wouldn’t you? I think… if I met someone and I cared about them like that, and I trusted them like that, turning my back on them would not even be an option. If they truly mattered to me, I would choose them over everything else.” The words seemed to echo in the room for a moment, a resonance from deep within his soul.

“Oh? I hear the conviction in your voice when you say that, Ren.”

“I mean it.”

“I am absolutely certain you do.” Maruki-sensei’s lips quirked upward in a slight smile and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Let me check if I understand you correctly. Based on what you just said, if you have a close relationship with somebody and you trust them, you would choose that relationship over everything else. Does that sound right?”

Ren shrugged. “Close enough, I guess. Yeah.”

Maruki-sensei hummed, tapping his chin in thought. “Okay. So, I don’t think either of us are talking about betrayal like if someone lies to you about their favorite Feather Ranger.” Ren shook his head. “What if this person had to choose something else over the relationship with you?”

Ren grimaced, feeling the pain lance through his heart when he imagined Ann or Ryuji. “You mean, like what if they leave me?”

Maruki spoke slowly, as if he was pondering the words as he said them. “Not exactly, though I think we should return to that question at another time. What I mean to ask is: what if this person needs to do something that would put them in a position that they were against you? Something that they had their own reasons for doing, and they knew that you wouldn’t approve or support their decision? Something that could be serious enough that it would put your relationship at risk, but they choose to proceed anyway?”

“I… I don’t know. I have to think about that, I think.” Ren, too, spoke slowly, looking up at Maruki-sensei. “My first thought is that I would want to know their reasons. Maybe it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker. But I won’t know unless they tell me, right?”

Maruki-sensei nodded, humming. “Fair enough. But consider this, too: what if it’s not something that they can tell you about?”

“Then they don’t trust me,” Ren said immediately, his eyes and voice hard.

Maruki-sensei shivered and rubbed his arms at the chill that filled the office. They always had the air conditioner set a little too cold for him. “Even if it’s something that causes them great pain? Even if, by not telling you, they’re trying to spare you from that pain?”

Ren didn’t answer, but when he blinked the intensity in his gaze was gone and he looked away again.

Maruki-sensei nodded. “It can be rough. It doesn’t feel good to struggle with pain in your heart. With that in mind, what about the pain of a broken heart? After all, that kind of pain is only born because we fall in love, right? Do you have any thoughts on this kind of pain, Ren?”

“If it’s different from the kind of pain with someone who betrays me, I’d say this one… I guess I’d like to say that it shouldn’t exist, or that it’s necessary, but it’s kind of different than that. It’s like a seed for new loves, I guess. 

Maruki-sensei chuckled. “I never took you for a poet. But it’s a wonderful sentiment - a very positive way of looking at it.”

Ren ducked his head, a small smile on his face at the compliment. 

“Internal, emotional pain can be difficult to deal with. Though some say it’s always coupled with other feelings… And I agree, of course. I think that’s a fair assessment.” Maruki-sensei sat back in his chair. “Though personally speaking… I’d think if pain can be avoided, it should be. Maybe it shouldn’t exist at all.” He nodded, as if coming to a decision and hummed in agreement with himself. “Wounds of the heart are much harder to detect, and in a way, they’re far more complex than physical injuries. That’s why I’m doing this research… to save people who are suffering from internal pain they keep holding onto. You helped me realize that purpose again. Thank you.” Maruki-sensei smiled.

“Did that help?”

“Yes! Thanks to you, I think I’ll be able to better articulate my thoughts today.” Maruki-sensei laughed and stood up. “Okay, I think that’s all for today. I don’t want to keep you, and you did some really amazing work this afternoon.”

Ren felt the warmth of Maruki-sensei’s gratitude filling his soul, and the joyful laughter from Kushi-Mitama gave him the courage to speak up.

“Maruki-sensei? What you just said… So, you don’t think there’s anything… _wrong_ with me for closing up like this?”

Maruki-sensei’s smile gentled, and his gaze was fond. “Ultimately, it is your choice whether you close yourself off or not. Said differently: it is your choice on who you _let in_. I feel honored that you have allowed me to see this side of you. If you need to wear a mask to face the world, and it’s helping you, I think that it’s okay for you to hide a little bit.” Maruki-sensei tapped his chin in thought before continuing. “I also think that you are very young, Ren. You are starting to grow into yourself. Figuring out who you are and what you want to become is not something that you can do from a place of emptiness. So, it’s very important that you have people you can trust - like we were discussing earlier - and that you allow them to see and interact with the real you.”

“What if there is no real me?”

That question again. That worry that ate him alive with every conversation he had with a Shadow, every new Persona he gained. With every “I am thou” he heard, he wondered: if there are so many of me, who am _I_?

 _You are the Fool_ , he heard Justine’s soft voice whisper. _You are the Wild Card. You are everything, and nothing, all at once._

The expression on Maruki-sensei’s face was one that he had never seen before. It made his soul ache, and the yearning he felt from Kushi-Mitama threatened to overtake him. The intensity of Maruki-sensei’s gaze made him feel like his soul was laid bare.

Maruki-sensei made an aborted motion, as if he wanted to reach out to Ren and had decided not to. “I have no trouble seeing into an abyss, Ren, and I can see you looking out of it.” 

Maruki-sensei’s gaze hurt in ways he could not begin to justify, and he looked away, suddenly breathless. “I suppose I will trust you, then,” he said.

“I will do my best not to betray that trust, Ren.” Maruki-sensei’s voice was soft. A pause, and then: “Ah! Your mental training!” 

Just like that, the impossible intensity in the room was gone and Ren could breathe again. “Oh, yes. That.” Without that pressure on him, he was able to rebuild his defenses and approach Maruki-sensei with humor.

Now he knew that even Maruki-sensei had a self that he kept hidden from the world. It made him appreciate the bumbling, clumsy doctor even more knowing that there was a hidden depth to him.

When he walked out of the nurse’s office about ten minutes later, he was surprised to see Ann waiting for him. She pushed herself away from the wall she’d been leaning on and put away her phone, smiling gently at him.

“Walk me to the station?”

Ren felt a surge of fondness well up inside him. He didn’t dare try to speak around the sudden thickness in his throat, so he nodded.

Ann held her hand out to him, and it hovered gently in the air between them for a few long seconds before he reached out and allowed their fingers to entwine. She squeezed his hand and gently tugged him until he started walking with her. 

“Sometimes, after a difficult session, it’s best not to be alone for a little bit,” she confided. “It can take a little while for everything to sink in, and it can be really bad if you’re alone when that happens.”

This time, when she squeezed, he squeezed her hand back.

 _Will you come out of the darkness, my other self?_ He heard Ame-no-Uzume whisper, the feather light touch of her fan caressing the side of his face as if she had floated around in front of him. The touch was like she was holding his face between her two fans so she could look into him. Test him. See if he was worthy of her. _Will you allow this girl to guide you out of this darkness as I had done our divine sister Amaterasu? Or will you remain trapped in the cave of unknowing, unwilling to greet the dawn? Will you continue to allow yourself to be used as a pawn in someone else’s game?_

“He… asked me a lot of difficult questions today,” Ren said.

Ann swing their joined hands high into the air. “Sounds like we need to get some crepes on the way home then! I’ll treat.”

 _Will you greet the dawn?_ Ame-no-Uzume asked again.

Ren smiled. “That sounds wonderful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I start delving a little bit more into some of the traumas and deeper emotions that our characters feel. Ann gets some screen time in this chapter, and I really enjoyed writing her! **In regards to Ann's story, I will definitely be addressing sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, and suicide, in relation to canonical events.**
> 
> I'm placing this chapter around 5/20 so Ren only has a few Confidants. I'll be adding more as chapters progress, and I _do_ anticipate deviation in the future. Look forward to it!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please scream at me in the comments section, especially if you find something intriguing or you have an idea for a future scene!


	3. It’s not the Abominable Snowman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren takes Yusuke out for lunch

**Chapter Three:** _It’s not the Abominable Snowman_

“Oh! Ren. It’s you.”

“Yeah, it’s me. What are you doing, Yusuke?”

Ren had been walking through the underground mall in Shibuya, aimlessly wandering around while Morgana chattered away in his bag. He had stopped by to pick up this week’s mystery Aojiru when he noticed Yusuke. It had been a surprise to see Yusuke leaning against the wall in the underground station, but he approached anyway despite the look of intense focus on Yusuke’s face as he looked out at the crowd of people milling about. Ren had approached but did not speak, simply leaning against the wall mirroring Yusuke and studying him.

“I am simply watching those who pass by. It is fascinating, is it not? So much variety exists within the human form, both outside and inside of one’s heart.” The intensity of Yusuke’s gaze turned to Ren, and when they made eye contact it was as if Ren was looking through the clear, frozen ice of a pond back home in the winter. His eyes were clear, and the depths were limitless. 

Ren wondered what else Yusuke’s eyes could see.

“I agree, Yusuke. It’s… fascinating, like you said. Do you people watch often?”

“Oh, yes. I find it is both soothing and stimulating as an artist. To see, and yet to not be seen. To know, and to be unknown.” Yusuke brought his hands up and arranged his fingers into a frame, capturing first the crowd and then Ren in the borders.

Ren cocked his head to the side. “Do you see yourself eating lunch today, Yusuke?”

“I have eaten some bean sprouts, of course. Sensei- I mean, Madarame, often told us that our hunger for inspiration is driven by the hunger within our own body.”

“Hmm.” Ren considered Yusuke for a moment. The clothing that looked like it was fitted, but actually hung a little loosely off his frame, the dark circles under his eyes.

 _Every knight must sustain himself, young lord, but yours sounds as if he has not been cared for,_ ” Eligor’s voice was loud, reverberating inside of Ren’s soul. “ _If the knight cannot care for themselves, it is the duty of the lord to care for his vassal, is it not?_

 _Yusuke is not my vassal, you maniac._ Ren thought angrily.

Eligor’s gently reply was soft, his voice as quiet as a being of great power could make it. _Are you not his lord?_

Ren’s reply was a jolt of anger, laced with disgust. _Yusuke is a human being and he belongs to no one but himself!_

It was not to Eligor that he replied.

“Well, if you’re not hungry right now I guess that’s fine. I won’t make you eat if you’re not hungry,” He remembered Ann ranting about that before. “We can go visit the juice stand just over there - they have something called Aojiru, which is definitely an interesting taste _and_ super healthy. I am definitely hungry, though. So I would really appreciate some company, if you’d come with me.” Ren paused a moment, looking away, his ears burning. “I just... I’d like to get to know you better, Yusuke. You’re new to the team, after all.” Ren glanced back at him, tilted his head and smiled, “Will you join me for lunch at the diner? I got an extra raise working at the beef bowl shop last night since it was so busy, so it’ll be my treat.”

The desperately hopeful expression on Yusuke’s face when he accepted the offer reminded Ren of winters spent walking through the snow, thin ice cracking underneath his boots, and the delicate hoarfrost that melted away with the slightest bit of heat. The happy memories from childhood, a fragile hope that was so easily crushed by the slightest misstep.

In the end, Ren treated Yusuke to two Nostalgia Steaks, a Surprise Sando, and as many refills as he wanted.

“I think I just really wanted to draw the Abominable Snowman,” Ren said, gesturing with his spoon. “I figured, if nobody else had seen him, how could they _really_ know what he looked like?”

Yusuke tilted his head, “I can see the appeal. It is almost unlimited artistic freedom.”

“Right? But that didn’t ‘ _fit the criteria_ ’ or something, so I had to paint something else. I remember being really upset about it, actually.”

“Oh? What did you do?” Yusuke was enraptured at the story, leaning forward in his booth, the remains of his dessert forgotten.

Ren smirked, “It was a figure painting assignment, after all, so I painted the teacher… in a Yeti costume.”

Yusuke threw his head back, laughing loudly. “How wonderful! Clever, devious, and artistic! Yes, that is truly something that I can see you doing, Ren.”

“I thought it was a _fantastic_ compromise,” Ren admitted. He ducked his head, peeking through his bangs to gauge Yusuke’s reaction. “The teacher failed me for that one, though. I don’t think I’d ever seen her so angry, before or since.”

Yusuke’s laughter sobered, and he nodded. “I can certainly understand that. The desire to receive approval from a teacher, or a mentor, or any adult in truth… it must have struck you quite hard as a young child.” 

Ren shrugged, popping the last spoonful of his parfait into his mouth and playing with his hair. “Hibagon-san didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.” Suddenly, he grinned up at Yusuke, “See? I can’t even remember her name.”

Yusuke looked down, picking up his spoon and pushing around the last bit of fruit in his own parfait. “I guess she doesn’t have to matter to you as a person for the lesson to make an impact that follows you for the rest of your life.”

Ren hummed, neither agreeing or disagreeing. The two sat in a comfortable silence for a little while, declining any offer of additional food or refills. They sat for a little while longer, even after Ren paid the bill.

“Ren?”

“Hmm? What’s up, Yusuke?”

Yusuke’s shoulders were straight, his posture rigid as he looked Ren directly in the eyes. It made Ren straighten, too, pulling his shoulders back. There was a sharpness to the air around them, and it made Ren’s body hair stand on end.

“I have truly enjoyed this afternoon with you. Would you, perhaps, invite me to join you again sometime?” Then, Yusuke bowed.

Ren’s face relaxed into a gentle smile and he felt his face heat. “Of course, Yusuke. It would be my honor. In fact, I know a lovely cafe that serves curry that I think you’d enjoy. I’ll send you the information so you can visit sometime.” His expression changed just slightly, his smile turned devious as if he were sharing a great secret, “In fact, I live just upstairs, and I’ve been learning how to make the coffee _and_ the curry.”

Eligor laughed inside of him, loud as a thunderclap. _Well done, young lord. I daresay this knight will be truly yours before long. You have earned his loyalty this day._

In another universe, Ann would go visit Shiho in the hospital without telling anyone what she was doing, or where she was going. Ren would find out after the fact, when Ann had composed herself and was ready to talk about what she had seen. 

In this universe, Ren has established himself as someone that Ann can lean on and trust to support her.

In this universe, Ren checked his phone as he was getting changed for the night, Morgana leaving the attic to give him some privacy. His phone chimed and he grabbed it, calling out to let Morgana know he was decent and getting into bed. He checked his messages, scrolling past requests for help at the beef bowl shop, and he opened the new chat from Ann.

**Subject: Give me strength!**

Ann: _I’m doing it! I scheduled a visit with Shiho. I’m so nervous…_

Ann: _I’m going right after school tomorrow._

Ren: _Do your best, Ann. I’m sure she will appreciate your visit. You’re her best friend, aren’t you? At least, she will be glad to see you._

Ann: _Can I mail you after?_

Morgana settled in bed with him and complained about the brightness of the screen, while trying to read the messages. Ren smiled, tilting the phone away from him and responding, before he put his phone away and went to sleep for the night. 

Ren: _Of course. Let me know if you need anything (^^ )/_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a bit with this chapter, especially with how I wanted to write the chats as they're a big part of the game. 
> 
> I was challenged to incorporate the Abominable Snowman into a chapter, so I chose to do it this way... I was already writing Yusuke, and I thought it would be a fun conversation. I really enjoyed writing that bit! 
> 
> I also love and adore integrating each Persona! Some of them I know the history already, but others I've had to look up in order to incorporate them properly. Please leave me comments about this - do you think I'm overdoing it, do you want to see more of it, suggestions for another way to integrate them, etc.


	4. Boundaries

**Chapter 5:** _Boundaries_

_Maruki-sensei told me I should write a little bit about the situation in my diary. I told him about the probation diary when he asked, and he thought that it was a great idea for personal use too. So I guess I’m doing my homework today. I’ll stop by the bookstore and pick up a nicer diary to use next time. He told me that he was close to making a breakthrough in his research, and it might be a couple of weeks until we can meet during the day again._

_Kamoshida was an asshole. I knew that from the beginning, but I didn’t realize_ how much _of an asshole he was. My first meeting with him, if you could call it that, was when he picked Ann up and drove her to school. Looking back, she had looked so_ uncomfortable _. I wish I had known her back then. Maybe I could have stepped in and maybe it would have saved her._

_She doesn’t talk about it often, but I know he did something to her. I try not to touch her, and I notice how uncomfortable she is with other guys. Even Ryuji, and he’s known her the longest. With her best friend jumping off the roof because of Kamoshida, too, I know that things were bad. I think… Shiho had said something to Ann before the ambulance took her to the hospital that day. Ann hasn’t spoke of it, but I know it’s bad. It was bad, and it is still bad._

_Ann is going to visit Shiho today after school. She just sent me a message, asking for an extra boost of Guts. I told her that she’s already more Lionhearted than I ever will be. I don’t think she got the joke, though, so I just told her to do her best._

_Anyway. Kamoshida was allowed to do whatever he wanted to the students because he had that gold medal from the Olympics. Apparently to the school, that excuses abuse and rape… but everyone looks down on_ me _because they charged me with assault for protecting that woman from the jerk who was harassing her. These shitty adults make me sick. The students in this school aren’t much better, but it’s somehow still better than Yasogami._

_At least Maruki-sensei cares about us._

“Heyyyyy Ren-Ren, what’s bonkin’ my man?” Ryuji’s grin was wide, and he waved his arms over his head as he called for Ren. They were meeting up for some Monjayaki and video games. First the arcade, then the Monja. Ren had barely convinced Ryuji to take the gym off the list, complaining about aches from their most recent trip into Mementos. He wasn’t even lying.

“How many times do I have to ask you not to call me that?” Ren muttered, adjusting the bag on his shoulder and rolling his eyes. 

“Call you what? Ren-Ren? It’s your name, isn’t it?” Ryuji slung one of his arms around Ren’s shoulders and laughed. “You don’t really mind if I call you that, right?”

Sometimes Ren did, and sometimes he didn’t. There wasn’t really an easy way to tell Ryuji that, or an easy way for Ryuji to know when it was okay to use the nickname. Ren shrugged, instead, saying nothing and trying to ignore the prickling feeling he got when “Ren-Ren” wasn’t okay.

“Challenge you to a round of Gun About?” he asked instead.

“You’re on, man!”

**Subject: Do you have some time?**

Ann: _On my way back from the hospital. Can we meet?_

Ren: _I’ll let you have 2 crepes today for your hard work. I’ll even pay._

Ann: _You always know exactly what to say to cheer a girl up._

Ren: _I’m leaving Mona at home. See you soon._

Ann: _You really_ are _Prince Charming, aren’t you?_

Ann was an inferno, ready to burn anything and everything in her path.

She walked quickly, keeping herself just out of Ren’s reach the entire time they were in the Shibuya underground mall. It was unlikely that she even tasted the chocolate and strawberry crepe at the speed that she ate it, cursing Kamoshida and shitty adults the entire time in a voice loud enough that it was clear she didn’t care who overheard. Ren kept quiet and respected the distance between them, content to allow Ann to lead until the strength that was keeping her standing started to crumble.

He lead her away and then, once they were safely out of sight from prying eyes, Ann let herself break down. In a secluded alleyway somewhere in Shibuya, Ann allowed herself to cry and cry and cry.

Ren blocked the entrance and kept his face blank the entire time, keeping watch until Ann was ready to go. She cried until she had no more tears left. Then she cursed until she had no more words left.

By the end, he almost wished that Ann _had_ burned Kamoshida’s Shadow to a crisp that day instead of letting the thing return to the real Kamoshida.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ren hasn't figured out how to enforce his own boundaries (yet!) but he's observant and understanding enough to respect other people's. Also, I have similar conversations with people about nicknames and...similar responses. So, ouch, feel you Ren.


	5. The Ally Is Not Always The Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got away from me. I tried to wrangle it, but at this point I need to move on.
> 
> The path is starting to deviate from canon!

**Chapter 5:** _The ally is not always the friend_

Subject: **Don’t hit me**  
Ren: _What are your measurements? I’m looking at armor._  
Ann: _I’ll give you a pass this time_  
Ann: _Did something change?_  
Ann: _I thought you already had my measurements?_  
Ann: _The armor you’ve been getting me has fit fine up until now._  
Ren: _Checking out a new store_  
Ren: _I don’t want to get the wrong size just in case_  
Ren: _Can you ask Makoto-san for me, too?_  
Ren: _I have the information for Ryuji and Yusuke already._  
Ann: _On my way to a shoot_  
Ann: _Do you need it right now?_  
Ren: _I can go tonight instead, but definitely need it today._  
Ren: _I want to go in tomorrow and we need an upgrade._  
Ren: _Those Shadows were tough_  
Ann: _Got it._  
Ren: _Thanks, Ann!_

Ren walked into the Takemi Medical Clinic, the door chiming behind him. As usual, he was the only person in the waiting room. He wandered over to the pamphlets, noticing that Takemi-sensei wasn’t waiting at the window just now and not wanting to disturb her if she was in the middle of something. She would hear the door and come to greet him shortly, as usual.

She’d be more upset if he rang the bell on the desk and interrupted her very important work. He could wait for her.

“Are you just coming here for supplies, Ren?” Morgana asked, poking his head out from the opening in the bag on Ren’s shoulder. 

“A check up, actually.”

Morgana made a disgruntled sound. If he’d had a human body rather than that of a cat, Ren thinks that his nose would have been scrunched up. “You mean more of that foul smelling medicine? Those clinical trial things?”

Ren shook his head. “No, not like that. I’ll be here for a while, though, so you can leave if you want to and I’ll just meet you at home tonight.”

“Let me down! Let me down!” Morgana cried, trying to wiggle his small body out of the bag.

Ren chuckled, shrugging the bag off of his shoulder and crouching down to let the cat out of the bag. Before Morgana sprinted for the closed door, Ren reached out and smoothed his messy fur. Morgana usually complained about being pet, but since there were no witnesses here - and he needed to make sure he was neatly groomed - he allowed it long enough to work up a good purr before shaking his head and stepping away from Ren’s hand.

“Hands off, you gigantic beast! And let me out!”

Laughing again, Ren opened the door and watched as the black cat bounded down the stairs and into the streets of Yongen-Jaya.

“You look like you’re having fun, my little guinea pig,” Takemi-sensei’s voice was teasing, and Ren quickly turned around to face her. “Oh, don’t look like that. It’s okay for you to have some fun. You certainly seem to need it, with that serious face you have every time you come in for more medicine…”

Ren felt his face heat, but the look on her face was fond. He swallowed his protest and greeted her instead. “Hello, Takemi-sensei.”

She scowled. “None of that, now. I can’t have you encouraging any more of the old ladies in this neighborhood.” The sound of her platform heels was loud as she stepped away from the door that lead into the hallway. “I didn’t call you hear for a clinical trial, and you don’t have the look on your face that tells me you’re going to do something stupid and get yourself hurt. What are you after today, my guinea pig?” Her eyes were sharp as she studied him, but she did not move away from the door, keeping her hand on the doorknob. 

Her eyes never missed anything.

It took all of his Guts, but Ren was able to muster up the strength to ask, “Can we go to the examination room? I’m… here as a patient today, Takemi-sensei.” He looked away from her, drawing his shoulders forward a moment before he relaxed. He bowed instead. “Please.”

“Right this way, Ren.” Her voice was as soft as he had ever heard it.

He lifted his head, but she was already walking through the open door towards the exam room. He followed, his heart pounding in his chest.

“So, what brings you in to see me today?”

Takemi-sensei was more professional than Ren had ever seen her, sitting at her desk with her legs crossed and her eyes trained on him as he sat on the exam bed.

“I started seeing someone,” Ren blurted.

Takemi-sensei raised her eyebrows. “Congratulations. Have you come for information about contraceptives or—“

“That’s not what I mean!” Ren was blushing, the flush turning his ears red. “I. I mean.” Ren turned away.

“Take your time. I’ll just review your vitals while you figure it out.”

A few minutes passed with the only sound being Takemi-sensei’s fingers clicking away on the keyboard or her pen scratching against the notepad.

“Remember when we first started working together and you told me to let you know who my other, uh, service providers were? And I told you that I didn’t have anyone else because I just moved here?”

“Yes, I do.” Her eyes narrowed as she glanced at him, spinning her chair so she could look him over again. “I believe I also told you that if you needed recommendations, referrals, or any other health related service you should come to me about it _first_ so I can make sure you are getting the proper care. You have seen the way people respond to patients when they discover that the Plague is involved in their treatment.”

Ren nodded. He took a deep breath and straightened his back. Takemi-sensei preferred if he was straightforward with her, so he would be.

“Do you remember back in April? The... Kamoshida incident?” He asked.

“Back in April, he says,” Takemi-sensei muttered, rolling her eyes. “Yes, I do. How is this connected to that scum? That was at your school, wasn’t it?” She narrowed her eyes, looking at his chart, flipping pages to his personal information on the intake form. There it was: the name of his school and the phone number for the nurse’s office.

“After that, the school hired an outside counselor to come in and help the students. Especially the students who were, um, affected by Kamoshida.”

“But you wouldn’t be telling me this unless you _were_ affected by that bastard,” Takemi-sensei said sharply. He nodded, and she stood, swearing. “You absolute—“ she cut herself off with a rough exhale and closed her eyes. 

She hoped that her fears weren’t justified, but she was learning that anything was possible with her little guinea pig. Especially if it meant things were going horrifically wrong. She needed to tread carefully, and have him open up to her in a way that was comfortable for him. She had only known him for a few months, but she knew just how quickly he closed himself off when he felt pressured.

“Did he touch you?” She asked, her voice deadly calm. She didn’t realize she was shaking until he said no. “Did he touch a person you care about or are close with?” He nodded and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “Did he hurt them?” Ren hesitated, but her eyes were full of a fierce fire that demanded he answers her, and he nodded again, slowly.

“I—“

“No, Ren.” Takemi-sensei’s voice was soft but unrelenting. “I am not asking you to tell me your friends’ secrets. I _am_ asking you to give them my contact information and ask them to set up an appointment with me as soon as possible. Other than the clinical trials, this is urgent enough that they will have my priority. Do you understand me? Do you understand what I’m asking you?”

Ren didn’t, really, but he knew that he could have Ann come to see Takemi-sensei. Maybe even Ryuji. He didn’t think Mishima would come, though. They weren’t close enough for Mishima to trust a recommendation that did not have any clear significance. Ryuji and Ann, at least, knew that he came to the Takemi Medical Clinic and got the medicine that they used for healing in the Metaverse. There was a little bit of trust there already, even though it was indirect. 

“If they don’t contact me, that’s not because of you, Ren. But I think it’s very important that I give them a once-over, especially as it may have been a little while since anyone has checked in with them. He confessed to both sexual and physical assault, Ren — can you see how another doctor, at a larger practice or at the hospital, may find those patients slipping away?”

He nodded, slowly, thinking of the many times Ann said “I’m fine” when he had noticed her flinching, how Mishima was desperately trying to pretend to be normal. He thought about how Ryuji called his father a piece of shit, how his knee was still aching even on good days, how he would rather pretend there was no injury and push himself than admit there was a weakness.

“I think one of my friends would appreciate seeing a woman doctor,” he said softly. “She— she was hurt, but she won’t tell me how badly. And her best friend was hurt even worse than she was. I wanted to do more for her, but...”

“You’re exactly right, Ren. There’s nothing more that you can do. You send her my way, and I’ll talk with her and make sure that she gets the help that she needs.” Takemi-sensei paused. “She trusts you?” Ren nodded, and she smiled. “Good. Then you’re doing everything as best as you can. She needs you to be a good friend more than anything, Ren. That’s your job in this part of her life. Don’t push her farther than she’s willing to go, and you’ll be all right.”

Ren nodded.

“Now, are you ready to tell me what you wanted to tell me?”

Ren looked away, studying the various things hanging on the wall for a moment before he answered.

“Kamoshida had threatened to get me expelled from the school after he had one of the students leak my criminal record to the rest of the school on the day I arrived,” he admitted, trying to keep his voice bland and his face expressionless. “I don’t know why, but from the moment I arrived at Shujin Academy he seemed to hate me. There were times that I’d find him coming towards me while I was walking through the halls, and I didn’t even do anything! I just wanted a normal school life, you know?” He sighed. “For some reason, he made me a target. Even though he never touched me, or hit me... he was always around. Threatening.”

Takemi-sensei nodded and her pen moved smoothly on the paper as she took some notes. “I remember you looked very stressed around that time. It was more than just exams that made you come here, wasn’t it?”

Ren nodded. “I thought, maybe if I was _smarter_ or did better on my exams, he would leave me alone. Maybe everyone would see that I’m more than just a trumped up assault charge. But...”

“But it got worse?”

Ren nodded again. “A lot worse. Suzui-san... Suzui-san jumped off of the school roof.” He glanced at her, and behind his glasses, his eyes were wet for the first time that she’d ever seen. “You know, she was the first person at that school who was immediately kind to me? She told me to ‘hang in there’ and not to let the gossip bother me. And then she jumped off the roof because of what that bastard did to her.”

Even under the influence of her experimental medicine, Takemi-sensei had never seen Amamiya Ren look so vulnerable.

“So, yeah. I’m one of the people that he impacted. The school doesn’t know most of that, though... just that he was trying to get me expelled, and that I was the transfer student with a criminal record.” Ren exhaled, running his fingers roughly through his hair. “They hired an outside counselor to come in and specifically work with the students who had been affected by Kamoshida, like I told you. Mandatory, for a couple of students. Including me. So I had a mandatory appointment with the therapist.”

“Okay. And, did you continue seeing him after that first appointment?”

Ren nodded. 

Flipping a page, Takemi-sensei tapped her pen against the paper. “I’ll need his information, then, so we can coordinate and make sure you’re getting _proper_ care.” She glared at him. “Understand that if I feel like he is a poor fit or if I disagree with his choices in regards to your care, I _will_ object to you continuing to see him, and provide you with an alternative option. I will _not_ allow your health to be compromised. Do you understand me, Amamiya Ren?”

“Yes, Takemi-sensei.”

“Good. Now, be a good little guinea pig and get your phone for me.” 

Ren hurried to follow her instructions, fumbling with his phone for a moment before successfully unlocking it.

“Name?” she asked.

“Maruki Takuto.”

“Send me his contact details, would you? Send it to this address.”

Ren sent them as directed. He also sent a quick message to Maruki-sensei, apologizing for the bother but his physician would be contacting him.

“I will get all of the other information I need from Maruki-sensei directly, then,” she said, nodding. She stood from her chair and stretched her arms over her head, considering Ren before she sat back down, crossing her legs again. “Have you been seeing him long, Ren?”

“Only since the middle of May.”

“Not very long, then. Weekly?” she asked.

“Sometimes. Sometimes longer in between. I don’t have a set appointment, I just drop in when I have time.”

Takemi-sensei hummed, considering that and what she knew of her test subject. They never set an appointment, either, and he had balked the first time she had tried to do it so she had relented. She had been more concerned with the advancement of her medicine at the time to really question his motives. 

“And payment?”

Ren blinked, his grey eyes wide behind his glasses. “Sorry?”

She uncrossed her legs, leaning forward. “How do you pay him, Ren? I know that you spend an awful lot of money here, even for a kid with three part-time jobs. Are these follow up appointments through the school, still, or are they separate?”

“I think they’re separate. And I’m not paying him. Not really. It hasn’t… come up.”

Takumi-sensei felt herself go very, very still. “It hasn’t… come up.” She repeated, slowly. “You have seen him more than five times?” He nodded. “And you haven’t discussed payment for treatment at all this entire time?” He shook his head. She pressed forward, quietly, almost expecting she knew the answer to her question, “and has he arranged anything with your parents regarding payment that you are aware of?” He shook his head again. Takemi-sensei closed her eyes and counted to five before opening them again.

“I’ll ask him when I see him next time, Takemi-sensei.”

“No, Ren. I will ask him myself.” She sighed, thoughts of Kamoshida still fresh in her mind and the fears that had come with it in regards to her little guinea pig that had become quite dear to her in such a short time. “What did you promise him?”

“What?”

She smirked, her eyes cold. “I know you, Ren. I remember when you burst through that door and blackmailed me into making a deal with you. My medicine for your cooperation as a test subject. Now I won’t ask you again: what did you promise him?”

Ren shrugged, reaching to toy with his bangs. “Nothing much, honestly. He… he’s working on a research paper, and I agreed to listen to him while he gets his thoughts straight about it. He said he’d teach me some mental strengthening techniques. Oh, but this is separate from the talks we’ve been having lately. We agreed to do this before I started seeing him regularly. We’ve been keeping the meetings separate.”

“Have you?”

“For th most part, anyway. Sometimes… sometimes his research lines up with things that I need to work on, and we explore that instead. He says that I’m doing good work, and that it’s important for me to have a safe space to process these things.”

“Hmm. And what kind of research is he doing?”

“I don’t know a lot about the research itself, but Maruki-sensei says that he wants to find a way to treat pain at it’s source. Or to eliminate pain entirely, maybe.”

“A lofty goal, for sure.”

“I don’t really follow what he’s saying all the time, to be honest, but I answer his questions. My answers seem to help.”

“And what kind of questions does he ask you, Ren?”

“Things like… ‘When do I really feel pain in my heart’” Ren shrugged, “they don’t seem like dangerous questions, Takemi-sensei. Are you worried about him trying to take advantage of me or something?” *

“To be blunt: yes.” Takemi-sensei said. “You make an awful lot of ‘deals’ with adults, Ren, and it’s not unwise to be cautious. I know that there’s a lot that you don’t tell me. I’m honestly not sure I _want_ to know what you get yourself into, more than I already do. But any adult, myself included, who has a relationship like this with an unrelated child needs to be treated with caution.” She sighed. 

“I’m not a child!” Ren objected.

“Until you are 20, you are a child. Whether or not you want to believe it, that’s how it works, Ren. I _know_ that you understand that, even if being called a child hurts your pride.”

“I can take care of myself, Takemi-sensei,” he snapped.

“But you shouldn’t _have to_ , and that’s the _point_.” Takemi-sensei snapped back, her dark eyes flashing. “Until you turn 20, it is our responsibility as adults to protect you where we are able to. An unfortunate amount of adults forget that and end up taking advantage of you instead of protecting you. They may not all be Kamoshida, but there are many adults out there that cannot be trusted.” 

“Doesn’t that mean that you can’t be trusted, Takemi-sensei?”

She sniffed. “I know that I am able to keep our relationship _professional_ , and I do: there’s a doctor-patient relationship between us, and regardless of what other people say about me, I am a _damned_ good doctor.” Takemi-sensei switched her legs. “I’m more concerned about the other adults that you interact with who don’t have such a strong division between personal and professional. Our relationship started off as a professional one, but I don’t anticipate that all the relationships that you’ve been building have been. Am I wrong?”

Ren shook his head, slumping a little bit. “They seem like good people though, Takemi-sensei. I don’t think that any of them are going to hurt me like you’re worried about.”

Takemi-sensei nodded. “Which is why I’m getting involved. You want to trust them— that’s not a bad thing, Ren, and I don’t want you to close yourself off from people that you are starting to trust. But. You need someone to look at the situation from afar and make sure that you aren’t being taken advantage of.” She sighed. “Children are… too trustworthy. Malleable. Gullible. A little bit of kindness, and you’re their hero. Not you, specifically, but in general children will be easily manipulated by the adults in their life. I trust you can come up with some examples of your own where this was the case?”

Ren nodded slowly, thinking of Yusuke who was still struggling to hold on to the belief that Madarame had been a good father, of the way Kamoshida treated his friends, how Mishima had been so desperate for acceptance that he did whatever Kamoshida told him to before Ren and Ryuji intervened.

“The other adults that you interact with… they may not be as trustworthy as I am. They may be trying to take advantage of you. Of course, it’s possible that they aren’t. But that’s what I’m worrying about the most. It may not be a situation like your friends have experienced with Kamoshida, but not all adults hurt children in the same way.”

Takemi-sensei scowled. “It annoys me that I have to be the one to have this talk with you. What is that guardian of yours doing, allowing you to spend so much unsupervised time with adults, anyway?”

“He, uh. He doesn’t know? But I don’t think he’d care, anyway,” Ren muttered as an afterthought.

Takemi-sensei took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Of course he doesn’t know.”

“I try to stay out of his way. As long as I’m back at the cafe before he closes up for the night, he doesn’t say much.” Ren tried to justify.

“And if you’re out too late?”

“He usually reminds me that I’m here because I got in trouble, and that I need to keep my nose clean. Sojiro isn’t a bad guy, Takemi-sensei.”

She smirked. “Of course he’s not. I’ve known him longer than you have, brat. But he should at least be trying to take care of you better.”

“I can take care of myself, Takemi-sensei.” 

“I stand by what I said. You’re a child, a rather independent one at that, and you need someone by your side who can protect you. Frankly, it doesn’t seem like you have anyone who is willing to do that for you.” She leaned forward again and tapped her finger against his chart. “I called your parents, you know. The first time you came in here. I received consent for treatment from them _and_ Sojiro-san as the adults responsible for you. They also know that they can contact me if there is an emergency. I couldn’t knowingly give you medicine without checking with your parents and receiving permission. I also had them transfer your previous health records to me so I could treat you responsibly.”

“Are you reporting on me?!” Ren stood quickly, feeling shock and betrayal flooding through his body. 

Takemi-sensei glared at him. “Sit down, little guinea pig. We are not done here yet.” Ren sat back down on the exam bed but his glare didn’t lessen. “What an angry face. No, I’m not reporting to your parents. I can see how it would look like that to you.” She rolled her eyes and muttered, “Teenagers.” 

“Well, what do you mean then?” he said impatiently. “I trusted you, and you contacted my parents.”

The doctor leaned forward, her red eyes flashing. “Yes. I contacted your parents to tell them that their child, a _minor_ was going to be participated in a clinical trial for an experimental drug. I asked for your medical files to be sent to me, and that I be approved as your primary care physician while you are in Tokyo. I asked if you had any allergies, medical conditions, or family medical history that you may not be aware about. And your parents, fully aware of my reputation as the Plague, consented to transferring your care to me _and_ your participation in the clinical trials.” 

She ran her fingers through her short hair, pushing the dark strands out of her face. “Do they know that you come to me to purchase medicine for who knows what reason? No. Did I tell them about how often I’ve treated you in the last two months for suspicious wounds? Also no. Do I intend to tell them about _any_ of that?” She paused, waiting until Ren’s fearful eyes met her own before she answered, her voice soft. “I only intend to tell them if you come to me in a potentially life-threatening situation, or if I need to transfer your care elsewhere. And believe me, my little guinea pig, I do _not_ intend to transfer you to anyone else.”

Ren released a breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. 

“I don’t intend to betray your confidence, my cute little guinea pig. But I also don’t intend to lose my license, put this medicine at risk, or allow negligence to get you hurt. I need you to understand that I am not one of your school friends. I am an adult, and a professional. There are going to be certain things that you may not like or agree with me doing, or that you may not understand my reasons for doing.”

“Why is this so important to you, Takemi-sensei?”

Her smile held no mirth, and her youthful face appeared to age in moments as she answered. “Among other things, because I was hurt by adults when I was a child. If I am in a position to make sure that doesn’t happen to you, I will do everything in my power to make it so.”

Death: The end of one phase in life and the beginning of another. Transformation. The continuation of a cycle of death and rebirth, change and renewal. Never-ending growth through cycles of hardship and struggle. 

In reverse, it represents stagnation and resistance to change, reluctance to let go of the harm from the past in order to grow.

“Can you accept those conditions, my little guinea pig? Can you allow yourself to have a relationship with someone who refuses to see you as an adult, but will still stand by your side?”

Later, Ren would wonder what made him say yes. If it was the desire to see Takemi-sensei’s quest through with her until the end, if it was a prompt from the Matador that slept inside of his soul, or if it was just the desire to take a leap of faith and to trust her. 

Subject: **Don’t hit me!**  
Ann: _Thanks for waiting!_  
Ann: _If this information gets leaked somehow, you’re dead_  
Ann: _That’s a direct message from Makoto, by the way._  
Ren: _Thanks, Ann. Heading to Kichijoji now._  
Ren: _I promise not to misuse this information._  
Ren: _Morgana will never find out._  
Ren: _Ryuji will never even know I asked._  
Ann: _He better not!_  
Ren: _I’ll even delete the chat after I pick up what I need._  
Ann: _You’re the best, you know that?_  
Ren: _I know._  
Ann: _Dork._

Subject: **Expect a call…**  
Ren: _I know that you’re busy lately… Sorry for interrupting._  
Ren: _My physician will be contacting you about our sessions._  
Maruki: _It’s no bother, Ren. I appreciate you letting me know._  
Ren: _Her name is Takemi Tae. Please hear her out before dismissing her because of her reputation, Maruki-sensei._ m(_ _)m  
Maruki: _The name sounds familiar. Don’t worry, Ren, I will hear her out._  
Ren: _Thanks, Maruki-sensei_  
Ren: _Do you have time this or next week?_  
Maruki: _I think I will. Let me get back to you tomorrow._  
Ren: _Okay. Have a good evening, Maruki-sensei._  
Ren: _Good work today._  
Maruki: _My progress is all thanks to you, Ren._

While he was in Kichijoji, he sold a variety of clothing he’d been carrying around with him from the Palace and kept some of the gold stained clothing that looked like it might be worth salvaging. He spent some money on some more expensive accessories and gifts, also taking advantage of the extra space in his bag to restock some supplies that he knew they would be running low on. He had one more stop to make, then he’d be done with his little shopping trip and have the rest of the evening free.

Ren looked down at his phone and opened a new chat.

Subject: **Hey, actually…**  
To: Ann, Ryuji, Yusuke  
Ren: _Wanna meet for a game?_  
Ren: _I’ll pay back your fare, Yusuke_  
Ren: _I know I told everyone I was taking tonight off so it’s my treat_  
Ann: _I’m in!_  
Ann: _See you soon!_

Ren closed the app, knowing that he’d get a notification if Ryuji or Yusuke replied. He had one more stop to make before Ann got here, and there was barely enough time if he wanted to have everything ready for their infiltration tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takemi had _a lot_ to say. She honestly wasn't supposed to dominate this chapter, but the writing gods had other plans than I did. I adore her, but one of the things that I dislike in the Persona series is that the player, a teenager, is able to romance adults. Like... adult-adults. Otherwise not-shitty adults. I also drew on my own feelings as an adult who is frequently in a position of authority with children in this chapter.


	6. Transformation of Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A risk pays off. The Thieves infiltrate Kaneshiro's Palace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I already say we're entering canon divergence territory? I've been daydreaming about one of these scenes since the idea popped into my head. I hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 6** : _Transformation of Heart_

In the end, he waited until they met up at the hideout before the infiltration of Kaneshiro’s Palace to give Ann her gifts. He was a little nervous about it, because it didn’t exactly fall under the typical “armor” category, but when he had been browsing through the various shops in Kichijoji a couple of weeks prior, he knew that Ann needed to have these. For thief purposes, yes, but he thought that she might appreciate them outside of their Phantom Thief exploits.

Plus, he had a Metaverse theory that he wanted to test. 

Stepping off the platform in Shibuya, he crouched down and let Morgana out of his bag. “Go ahead without me, Morgana. I need to make a stop really quickly.”

“What?! Ren! You can’t just do this to me. What if I get lost?” The cat yowled.

Ren smirked. “The great phantom thief, Mona, get lost? Never.” He shrugged, standing. “But... If you want to come with me to the restroom, then be my guest. I thought you wanted to give me space when I do that kind of stuff, though. You suddenly want to keep me company, do you? I guess that can be arranged, but you have to close your eyes. Human-turned-cat or not, I do value my privacy.”

Morgana huffed. “You should have done that before we got on the train,” he grumbled, sticking his nose in the air. “Fine. I’ll be the responsible one and meet up with everyone first. Don’t be late or we’re leaving you behind!”

Ren waved as the cat scampered away, weaving effortlessly through the crowds of Shibuya. Then, when he was sure Morgana was out of sight and hearing range, he pulled out his cell phone and opened a new chat with Ann.

Subject: **Before we meet**  
Ren: _I know it’s cutting it pretty close…_  
Ren: _Can you meet me before we meet up with everyone else?_  
Ren: _I wanted to give you something privately_  
Ren: _I think it will help with today’s infiltration but I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up if it doesn’t work out the way I think it will_  
Ann: _On my way!_  
Ann: _Where should I meet you?_

Ren sent her the directions, deciding that he would wait for her over by the Hachi statue since it was less crowded at this time in the afternoon, and soon she was running up to him, waving her hand in the air. He lifted his in return.

“Ren, hey!” she called, once she was close enough for him to hear her. She grinned at him. “You said you brought presents?” Her voice was eager, her face curious, and her eyes sparkled in the afternoon sun.

Ren shrugged, suddenly feeling self-conscious. He held up the large paper shopping bag he was holding. “I couldn’t choose which one would suit you best, so I brought them all. I know how uncomfortable you are with your Panther outfit, so I thought maybe this would help. If you don’t like it, I can return it.”

“Ooooh, now I can’t wait to see what it is! Ren, can I look?” Ann lifted her hands, wiggling her fingers. “Gimme, gimme!” She said, giggling.

Ren smiled. “Yeah, here. Like I said, if it’s not something you like just let me know.”

The bag was pulled out of Ren’s hands before he even finished speaking, Ann’s excited squeals filling his ears. 

She pulled them out one at a time, her face lighting up with each item. The first was a bright red, cropped leather jacket with multiple zippers and big, silver buckles. The second was the same as the first, only in black. The third item she pulled out of the bag was a close-cropped black leather vest with buttons that snapped as well as a zipper to hold it closed.

“Oh, Ren, these are so _cool_!” She wasted no time tugging the vest on over her uniform shirt and snapping it shut. As she snapped each button closed, she stood straighter and pushed her shoulders back, standing with a grace and confidence that usually only manifested in the Metaverse. “I want to put the jacket on, too - do you think it’s a bit much?” Ren shook his head, and she pulled the red jacket on over the black vest, zipping that shut as well and buckling the belt across her chest. “I love it, Ren. I really do!” She struck a couple of poses. “I’m not sure how this will help in the Metaverse, but I see why you said you were getting armor - I definitely feel like I can take a couple of Bufu spells wearing this!”

Ren smiled, nodding. “I figure you could just wear it when we go in today, and we’ll see if anything changes. You like how it feels, right?” She nodded. “Does it make you feel a little more… powerful? A little more… Panther?”

“Honestly, Ren, I feel like I’m ready to kick some Shadow ass! Put me in first today, because I am _ready_!” She punched the air, grinning.

He chuckled. “Sounds like a plan to me. And - about the Metaverse? I have a theory, like I told you earlier, but I don’t want to say anything just in case it doesn’t work out.”

“Fine,” she sighed gustily and linked her arm with his, startling him and pulling him forward. “I’ll wait for the surprise, then. I’d like to keep all of them, though, if you don’t mind?” He shook his head. “Great! Now let’s go meet up with everyone else. I think Makoto-san is going to want her own jacket, though.”

Ren smirked. “I expect she will. But she’s the newbie on the team- she doesn’t even have a code name yet. That means that she doesn’t get veteran Thieves privileges yet, either.”

They entered the Metaverse.

“Whoa.” Skull’s eyes were wide behind his mask, jaw dropping as he stared at her.

“What just happened?” Makoto asked, looking back and forth between the grinning Joker and the screaming, giggling Panther. “Is that normal? Please tell me that this is normal.” Makoto’s voice was high and thin with nerves.

“Lady Ann, you look _amazing_! A true Phantom Thief, willing and able to change their disguise at the drop of a hat!” Mona cackled, standing taller and waving his hands around.

Panther couldn’t hold back her huge grin as she twirled around, getting a feel for the way her new outfit moved with her. The moment they entered the Metaverse and the transformation took form, she felt her new clothes changing with her and noticed the bright light of Joker’s star glowing.

“Ren, it worked!” She giggled, jumping for joy. She jumped again when she realized she could do it without worrying about her breasts spilling out of the opening of her catsuit. “Oh, this must have been what you were talking about! I can’t believe it worked! Thank you, Ren, this is _amazing_!”

Her Thief’s Outfit had transformed. Gone was the skintight, red leather cat-suit, cut so low in the chest that she had to move carefully in battle so her nipples wouldn’t slip out, showing so much cleavage that she felt like she was on display. An inauthentic form of her rebellious soul - yes, she wanted to be sexy, and yes she wanted to turn the tables on all the men who looked at her and saw nothing but her body, but she did not want to do it by catering to their lusty gaze. 

The cat ears and tail were all that remained untouched from her original Panther outfit, along with her signature long, wavy blonde pigtails. The red leather cat-suit had been transformed: instead of being the signature piece of her entire outfit, it had become an accent to the rest, spilling across her body underneath the black of her other clothes. The red was a bit more muted with the change of fabric, now similar to her red leggings in texture as well as look, a black mesh netting over the exposed fabric on her belly and thighs. 

She was thankful that neither her boots nor her gloves seemed to changed that much, as she enjoyed the hot pink accent of her gloves. The boots, now a match to the gloves in hot pink, ended high on her thighs instead of her calves, clinging tightly just underneath her new black leather short shorts. The hot pink pleather gloves she had grown to love over the past two months crawled up her arms, now cinching tightly around her biceps. 

Covering her chest was an amalgamation of the jacket and vest that Ren had gifted her not thirty minutes previously. It had fused into a cropped black jacket, the leather shining in the eerie light of the Metaverse. The neck was high, left unbuttoned just enough to show off the red leather choker wrapped around her neck, a silver ring shaped like a heart decorating it. The bottom of the jacket was cropped close to her ribcage but was cut so it naturally flared out around her body. The only skin exposed on her entire body was the bottom half of her face, not covered by the iconic red mask that inspired her code name, and the hollow of her throat underneath the choker.

She had never felt more dangerous. She had never felt more sexy. She had never felt more in control.

Takamaki Ann - Panther - felt like she could destroy the ruler of this Palace with her hands tied behind her back. Beneath her red mask, her smile was a bloodthirsty grin with teeth bared.

This was her _true_ rebel’s soul made flesh.

“Are we ready to kick some ass?”

“Hell yeah!” Skull shouted.

Makoto cleared her throat, which made Panther blush underneath her mask. Right. They had a few little things to take care of first - like explaining how a heist worked on the inside and giving their newest member her own code name - before they could destroy the piece of shit that was Junya Kaneshiro.

But after _that_ , she was going to kick some shitty adult ass.

It was a long, very hard day, but with both Joker and Queen shouting orders and managing the strategy for each battle and part of exploration, they were able to finalize their infiltration route in one day, as well as steal all of the Will Seeds to complete what would soon become the Crystal of Gluttony.

Even with her spiritual energy completely depleted, Ann felt like she could have kept fighting if they needed her to. Instead, she wrangled the team together and treated them all to ramen as a celebration that the boys most definitely needed.

They agreed that Makoto and Ryuji would handle sending the Calling Card, and that they would send it out sooner rather than later to absolutely minimize the chance of the photos being leaked. Ann knew a thing or two about the threats of compromising photographs being leaked, and as much as she disliked Makoto until literal days ago she was more concerned about the impact that it was having on her.

Once the desperation to prove herself had faded away, Queen’s fierce confidence and certainty had been revealed to them all. Her strategies were sometimes risky, but they always pulled off and she could always back them up with logic and reasoning. The only one who seemed to remember the strengths and weaknesses of each Shadow they faced so well was Joker, and when Ann asked him for the secret, he had told her that since they were all Personas he could wield it was the same as her instinctual knowledge of Carmen’s spells - only, he had such a huge collection to draw from, sometimes it was difficult to express his strategies to the others. A problem Queen was not having.

Ann was looking forward to changing Kaneshiro’s heart, but she knew that her teammates needed to rest and recover from their hard push today. She was confident that, whatever he threw at them, they would prevail.

This was the true “strength of heart” that she had been searching for.

The battle with Kaneshiro’s Shadow was long and arduous. It seemed like, no matter how many spells she cast, Panther wasn’t able to do any serious damage. Thankfully, his Shadow was not immune to her sleep spell like so many of the more powerful Shadows tended to be, so they were able to grasp victory with some creative teamwork.

After, when they were splitting up and heading home after meeting up at Leblanc, and Ren was seeing both boys off downstairs, Ann asked Makoto to wait up. She patted the spot on the sofa next to her, but Makoto remained standing.

“How are you holding up, Makoto?”

“I…” Makoto wrapped her arms around herself, looking uncomfortable. “I’ll be fine. It’s just a lot right now. I’ll be all right by the time I get home.” She rolled her eyes. “Not that Sis will be there or anything.” 

Ann reached up and tugged Makoto closer, pulling her down to the sofa and wrapped her arms around her once she felt the way Makoto’s body was shaking. She held Makoto close, running her hands up and down her back and arms until the stiffness had drained from her body. Soon, she was turning her head and sobbing into Ann’s shoulder. 

“I was so _scared_ , Ann,” Makoto whispered, her fists gripping the white of Ann’s uniform shirt. “That was nothing like what we’ve faced before.”

“You’re not alone anymore, Makoto,” Ann replied softly, pressing her lips to the braid in Makoto’s hair. “It’s okay to be scared.You’re safe now. We’ll take care of you.”

It was a few minutes before Makoto settled down, pulling herself together and building up the walls that supported the persona of the Student Council President that they were starting to know so well. She pulled away from Ann slowly, but stayed sitting closely.

“I apologize, Ann. But, also, thank you.” Makoto’s smile was a fragile thing, still stiff and uneasy.

Ann had no qualms about smiling, or being vulnerable with her fellow thieves, and her smile was quick and easy. “Nothing to be sorry for, Makoto. Do you feel a little better now?”

“Now that you mention it… I suppose I do feel… lighter.” Makoto said slowly, blushing.

“Yeah! A good cry will do that,” Ann spoke from experience, “but if you hold it in, it just gets heavier and heavier. I’m trying not to do that anymore.” They were quiet for a few moments, then Ann said softly, “You don’t need to hide with us, Makoto.”

A quick knock sounded from downstairs, and Ren’s voice called up from the stairwell. “Ryuji and Yusuke have left. Is it okay for me to come up, or do you still need a minute?”

The girls looked at each other and Makoto cleared her throat, her entire face going red. “You can come up, Ren!” she said hoarsely.

A few seconds later, Ren’s messy black hair could be seen in the stairwell and he poked his head into the room. Seeing both girls sitting together on his sofa, he smiled softly and stepped into the room fully. He kept himself by the stairs, hovering around the corner of the table as he addressed them.

“I have Bubbly Hills 90210 or Guy McVer. I had to return The X Folders already, since there was a waiting list for that one. I can make some coffee if you want, too,” he offered, a small smile on his face as he observed Makoto pulling herself together.

“That’s—”

“—perfect, Ren, thank you,” Ann interrupted. “I vote for Bubbly Hills!”

He nodded. “Bubbly Hills it is, then. Morgana will be up shortly, and he’ll be telling us to go to bed not too long after that. He will _definitely_ fall asleep during the show, though, so I wouldn’t worry too much about him.” He laughed briefly. “Do you want to sleep over, or do you want to catch a late train out after the show finishes? I don’t mind walking you to the station if you do want to leave afterward.”

“I’m kind of tired already, so if you’re okay with it I vote for the sleepover!” Ann bumped her shoulder against Makoto’s. “Do you think your sister would be okay with you staying over at my place tonight?” Ann smirked, “Of course, we’re actually staying here, but she doesn’t need to know that.”

“I. Um. What?”

“Call her and ask, would you? Oh, but if you don’t want to have movie night, that’s fine too.”

“The first Palace is always really rough on you,” Ren explained gently. “We all had awful nightmares afterward, so we try to hang out for as long as we can the night we steal the Treasure. It never really seems to get easier, so it became a tradition. Same thing with long Mementos trips. See?” He held up his phone, showing the girls a chat message from Ryuji. “Yusuke and Ryuji are having a sleepover of their own tonight, so you don’t need to worry about them being left out.”

“It’s best not to be alone once everything starts to sink in,” Ann added softly. “On top of that, Ren likes to spend some time getting to know the new team members outside of battle and school.”

The silence filled the attic between the three of them.

“I… probably won’t be sleeping much tonight, to be honest. So if you two want to keep me company, I’d appreciate it.” Ren looked away, uncomfortable. “Especially after that comment about the other Metaverse user… I feel like I’m going to be thinking about that a lot tonight.”

“Boss won’t mind you staying over, either!” Morgana yelled from the bottom of the stairs. “I’m coming up now!”

“Then… Thank you. I’ll call my sister and tell her that Ann and I were going to stay late studying, and she invited me to stay over.” Makoto nodded and stood, walking around to the other side of the stairs to call her sister, frowning severely when it went straight to voicemail. She left the message anyway, fighting to keep her voice steady and calm, and hung up before turning back to the other Thieves.

“Shall we make popcorn?”

Ann and Ren wore matching grins at her question, and Morgana cheered in triumph.

Later that night, Ann and Makoto were curled around each other in a nest of pillows and blankets on the floor, and Ren had managed to fall asleep in his bed, a book lying open across his chest, his phone in his hand, and Morgana purring beside him. 

The chains around Ren’s arms and legs felt heavier than usual when he awoke on the cot in his prison. As the Master addressed him, he felt the pressure of his presence weighing on his body, making it difficult to move. His thoughts were weak and sluggish, and he felt like he was forgetting something important.

_Focus,_ he thought to himself, desperately. _Something important is happening here. Pay attention._

The pressure pushed in against his body on all sides, and shaped him into the form that best suited Igor in this moment. He tried to resist, tried to call on the strength of his heart, on his Rebel’s Soul, but Igor’s expectations were too strong and he felt himself shifting again.

Caroline and Justine remained eerily quiet, their mismatched golden eyes watching over him. Their golden eyes were the last thing he saw as his eyes were closing and he was allowed to return to his waking life. 

His Rehabilitation continues, but what form will he take when he has been fully Rehabilitated?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time I played through Persona 5, I wasn't a huge fan of Ann. By my second playthrough of vanilla P5, I loved her and thought that ATLUS did her dirty. By the time I'm writing this, I have Strong Feelings about her and decided that I'm going to correct some things. For example: I was a 16 year old girl with large breasts...and I wanted them covered. We protect teenage girls in this house.
> 
> For anyone wondering about Ryuji: at this point in the story, I usually have Ryuji's Confidant at Rank 8 or higher. I anticipate he'll get more screentime in the future, but right now he's so focused on the track team storyline that he's not ready to look at anything else. I'm focusing a lot on Ann for now, and I think that as she grows she will be able to redirect some of Ren's focus from her and encourage him to focus on himself in a way that she wasn't able to do in the game.


	7. Connections, made and missed and lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter: Akechi Goro, for all the good and bad that comes with him.

**Chapter 7** : _Connections, made and missed and lost_

Akechi Goro was a dangerous, intriguing, and captivating person. 

For all that he put on the face of a pleasant boy, the honor student with a successful budding career as a detective, the media’s sweetheart, there was something about him that drew Ren in, as a flame draws the moth.

“I don’t like this,” Morgana hissed.

“Then don’t come.” Ren’s frown was severe, and his reply was sharp. “I’m going.”

Knowing that it was a losing battle, Morgana signed and asked Ren to put him down so he could step out of the bag. “I’ll wait for you to come back. But I still think that you shouldn’t meet with him! After all, he heard my voice…”

Ren let him down and paused at Leblanc’s door when he heard Morgana call his name softly. He turned his head and saw his friend sitting on the bottom step of the stairs that led to his attic bedroom, looking worried.

“Just… be careful, okay?”

Ren softened, allowing a smile on his face. “I always am,” he said before leaving.

Just because a person doesn’t have a Palace, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t dangerous.

“Oh, Amamiya-kun! You came! Thank you for meeting with me.” Akechi’s smile was bright like the sun. It chased away the cold and lit the path ahead, but if you stared at it too long, it would blind you.

Ren felt a smile being pulled from him, lighting up his face in return. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Hey Akechi.” He tilted his head. “You said you have time tonight?”

“Yes!” the detective chuckled, covering his mouth self-consciously. “Unfortunately I don’t get the entire evening off, but I do have a little bit of time until I’m needed.”

“Wanna go back to that cafe, then? Or do you want to play a game of billiards since we’re right here?” 

“If we played billiards, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to step away for the filming,” Akechi sighed, looking longingly at the door to Penguin Sniper. “We should get something to drink. I could use a nice break like that with you, Amamiya-kun.”

Ren nodded. “It won’t be anywhere near as good as my coffee, but chatting with you in a cafe does sound like it would be nice.” Ren chuckled, a thought striking him. “You invited me out but didn’t have something in mind, Akechi? That seems… unlike you.”

Akechi blushed, his lips curling in an embarrassed scowl. “Yes, well. I hadn’t truly expected you to come all the way out here on such short notice, did I? Next time, I will know better and plan accordingly.”

Somehow, the expression suited Akechi’s face better than the smile did, and Ren felt his heart warm, his own smile turned fond. 

“Lead the way, Detective.”

There was never any need for a Persona to speak up when he interacted with Akechi - it had only been a few meetings, but he noticed that they tended to speak up a lot around his other friends, offering helpful nudges or advice, and go silent when he was around Akechi. Even though he had acquired a Persona of the Justice Arcana — multiple, in fact — the mask within his soul remained silent while spending time with Akechi Goro.

It was almost as if Akechi didn’t want anything from Ren except that he be himself. That, maybe, Ren was “enough” and the answers that _Ren_ chose to give would be sufficient. No reminders were needed, no nudges in the right direction, because Akechi didn’t want Ren to be anything in particular — he only wanted Ren to be _himself_.

But who was his “self”? He felt the he would come a little bit closer to the answer tonight in the same way he knew that he was going to get closer with his new friend soon.

If he followed the path that led to Akechi Goro long enough, maybe he would finally find the answer to his question.

“Maybe next time, you’ll come to Leblanc and I can make you a good cup of coffee,” Ren said, taking a sip of his drink. “Not that this is… bad, or anything. But Boss’s coffee has a certain Charm to it, and I think I’m coming close to mastering his method.”

“Oh? I haven’t been there often, but I do admit I’m curious about how your take would taste.”

Ren leaned forward, his eyes flashing in joy. “Boss complimented me last time,” he confessed, eager to share his accomplishment with someone who would understand what it felt like to take pride in their work. “Not only that, but he’s started to teach me how to make curry.”

“Oh?” Akechi mirrored Ren, leaning forward and lowering his voice. “I’m afraid I still haven’t had the pleasure. Though, I must confess, I’m not a fan of spicy foods.”

Ren grinned, “Mine would be perfect for you, then. Boss is always complaining that I don’t make it spicy enough.” He nodded to Akechi’s coffee, “You’ve ordered it with cream and sugar this time. Do you prefer sweet things, then?”

“Sometimes I like my coffee sweet, but other times I like it bitter. I suppose it depends on the time of day,” Akechi mused, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip. “Like I said before, it’s not so much about the taste as understanding how a fad becomes popular. Coffee began like that for me, and soon became something that I genuinely enjoy.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Ren said, nodding. “You seem like you’re the kind of person to take it black in the morning and let the bitterness wake you up a little bit, then switch to something a little more sweet after dinner.”

Akechi’s eyes widened. “That’s it exactly. But I am positive that we have never discussed this before…”

Ren’s smile was slow, his eyes heavy lidded. Every inch of him was screaming satisfaction in the same way that a cat’s did after they had caught the mouse or finished the last of the cream. “You’re not the only one who can read people, Detective.”

“So I’m learning,” he murmured behind the ceramic mug, his eyes flashing as he studied Ren in turn.

Most of their conversations so far had been through the chat, due to Akechi’s chaotic work schedule. It had been awkward at first, trying to navigate what topics were safe. Akechi didn’t really like talking about his work unless he initiated it, and Ren had asked that they stay away from the topic of the Phantom Thieves unless it was work related. Their schedules never quite lined up, either, and Ren had to dodge Morgana if he wanted some privacy.

After what Morgana was calling “The Pancake Incident,” Akechi had become someone suspicious to Morgana, and rather than a potential friend Morgana encouraged Ren to treat him as a possible enemy. Morgana learned quickly that the topic of Akechi was off-limits if he wanted to maintain a peaceful relationship with Ren.

Ren sent the first message frequently enough, usually not getting a response for a couple of hours when he did, but Akechi would message him almost exclusively in what Ren had soon learned to be his only free time. All hours of the day, if Akechi had a single moment free, Ren would find a notification on his phone about an incoming chat.

Ren’s favorite messages were the ones Akechi sent to him in the middle of the night. They were often full of long, rambling questions or observations about the world. They alternated between the dark, despairing questioning about the true worth of humanity for all of it’s darkness, asking if there was still good in the world if all he ever encountered was the filth, and the idle meaningless chatter about nothing and everything that came when you were too tired but couldn’t fall asleep. 

The inherent philosophical discussions of teenagers at 3 in the morning with a person that they want, so desperately, to trust. The vulnerability that came with secret conversations when the rest of the world was asleep, when it seemed like only the two of you existed.

Let me tell you about my world, and maybe I’ll show you my soul.

Akechi: _Do your friends know about me?_  
Akechi: _About our friendship, I mean._  
Ren: _No._  
Ren: _Just my cat, and I swore him to secrecy._

Ren could hear him now, in a voice that he’d never once heard Akechi use, fuming and hissing: “ _I refuse to be kept as anyone’s dirty little secret_ ,” he imagined.

Ren: _My friends have big mouths and I didn’t want to risk the tabloids learning more about your personal life than they already do._  
Ren: _and is it selfish of me to want to keep you all to myself?_  
Ren: _Detective Akechi, who? I just want to see Goro._  
Ren: _you’re the only thing in my life that’s just for me. I don’t want to share you with anyone if I don’t have to._

Ren was asleep before he received a response.

Akechi: _I don’t want to share you, either._

“Thanks for coming, Ren,” Maruki-sensei said as he settled into his chair. “I have some apple juice today, and some more of those Donut-Worrys that you liked last time. Help yourself — they’re on sale right now so I was able to buy a lot.”

Ren nodded and sipped at his juice. “You said that Takemi-sensei called you?”

Maruki-sensei chuckled. “She did, indeed. That woman… she sure is something, isn’t she?” Ren agreed. “I don’t know how you met her, but I can certainly tell you this: no matter what she does or does not tell you, you have definitely found a fierce protector in that woman. Oh, but Tae-san has always been like that.”

“You knew Takemi-sensei?” Ren asked, setting his juice down on the table.

“Oh, yes. We were classmates for a time in University. Ultimately, she decided to pursue pharmaceuticals and physical medicine where I deviated to psychology and our paths diverged, but every now and again after that we crossed paths.” Maruki-sensei shook his head, a fond smile on his face. “That woman… she’d rather swallow a needle than tell you that she’s worrying over you. But she certainly worries a lot.” He cleared his throat, blushing. “Well, that’s probably not something I should be talking to you about, anyway.”

Ren laughed. “Would she kill you for telling me?”

Maruki-sensei nodded seriously, helping himself to a snack. “Absolutely. So don’t tell her, will you?”

The two of them sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, eating their snacks before Maruki-sensei spoke again.

“Takemi-sensei asked me about payment, and told me a little bit about the arrangement you have with her. She said it’s split about 50/50 between you paying her cash for treatment and you volunteering at the clinic. Does that sound about right to you?”

Ren nodded, surprised that she would phrase it that way. “I help her out after school when I have time, but I work 3 part-time jobs so I can pay sometimes too.”

“Well, if that’s the case, would you like a similar arrangement? I know that we briefly talked about your potential to be a therapist in the future, and I had jokingly offered you a position as my assistant… but at least your assistance with my research has been invaluable. I won’t be able to offer any clinical experience or payment, like I said before, but I can certainly make your assistance official and put it on the books.” Maruki-sensei adjusted his glasses. “I honestly hadn’t thought about it until Takemi-sensei called, and I apologize. It was unprofessional of me, and her concern was valid. I certainly never intended to come across as taking advantage of you.”

“I don’t think you’re taking advantage of me at all, Maruki-sensei!” Ren interjected. “I don’t really get why Takemi-sensei is so focused on this, but I know that she’s doing it because she’s worried about me. I’m not worried though.”

Maruki-sensei smiled. “Thank you for your trust, Ren. Still, as an adult I think that Takemi-sensei is correct. I should also have called your parents or at the least contacted your guardian to receive consent for treatment before we began seeing each other in this context. I do plan to reach out to your guardian… Sakura-san, was it? Takemi-sensei told me that your parents have already given her permission to oversee your medical treatment, and that the mental health treatment would fall under her umbrella of supervision.”

Ren looked down. “I just… I’d rather my parents don’t find out about it,” he mumbled. “At least, not more than what the school said was mandatory.”

Maruki-sensei’s face softened. “You’ve been worrying about that a lot, haven’t you?”

Ren nodded. “Honestly? I had expected the court to make therapy part of my probation. Especially since they tried to make me out to be a dangerous, violent person. I was kind of hoping for it, I think.” He looked away, twisting his hair. “I think… I think I’m a little messed up from it, Maruki-sensei. That whole night is really blurry to me, and it’s hard for me to think about. But if I said that I wanted to talk to someone about it… Well. Inaba is a small town, Maruki-sensei, and word travels fast. It was bad enough already that I got in trouble — my family sent me _here_ , after all, and they believed that I was innocent.”

Maruki-sensei nodded. “It definitely sounds like it was traumatic for you, and having an unclear memory is a common trauma response. I’ll talk it over with Takemi-sensei for you, and let you know what decision we come to regarding telling your parents. We both respect your position, and we care about you so we will try to make it work. Does that sound fair for you?”

Ren bit his lip and peeked up at Maruki-sensei through his bangs. “Can I… can I hear what you decide before you do anything?”

“Of course, Ren.” Maruki-sensei said softly. “You know that I would never do anything that might cause you pain.”

Ren’s chest warmed at the admission. “Thank you, Maruki-sensei.”

That night he was asked to help out at Untouchable. 

Truth be told, Iwai-san still made him nervous, but he was starting to become a person that Ren admired. More than just the lessons in Proficiency, weaponry, and shop ownership, Iwai-san was a steady presence for him.

So, when Iwai-san mentioned how hard it was to come back after having your reputation destroyed, Ren tried to confide in him.

 _Connect,_ he thought desperately. _I want you to connect_.

If there was any adult that could lead him in the right direction, maybe it was Iwai-san. A person who clearly disliked the system and wanted to change it, to the point that he had rebelled against it in the strongest way possible in his youth by joining the Yakuza — _Yakuza!!_ — but was now trying to move on from that path. He was so close to the path that Ren was currently walking, Ren was sure that his input would be invaluable.

“Don’t gimme any details, I don’t want to know.”

It was amazing how 5 little words, spoken by someone who could make a difference in the path he was walking, really changed everything. In a moment that they could have connected, and Ren could find someone to lead him — a moment that he reached out to an adult for help in an area that actually _mattered to him_ — the dismissal burned through him and left him breathless.

Subject: **Something happened. Advice?**  
Ren: _Sorry to bother you this late at night, Maruki-sensei_  
Ren: _Something happened tonight that’s bothering me more than I expected it to._  
Ren: _Do you have time to meet, or talk over the phone about it tonight?_

Ren sent the messages to Maruki-sensei while he was on the train back to Leblanc, half-hoping for a positive response, and half-hoping that Maruki-sensei wouldn’t receive the message until tomorrow, when he would have had time to pack it away in the dark corner of his mind that he tried to pretend didn’t exist.

Stepping off the platform in Yongen-Jaya, Ren’s phone chimed with a response.

Maruki: _How unusual for you to ask for help. Kidding._  
Maruki: _I have time tonight, Ren. Would you like me to meet you?_

Ren felt Nigi-Mitama spinning in delight inside of him, the echo of praise flowing through his body. _Good job!_ it said gently.

Ren: _If it wouldn’t be any trouble, would you meet me at Leblanc?_  
Ren: _I’ll send you directions, and I can make you some coffee._  
Ren: _There might even be enough ingredients in the fridge for me to make some curry, if you’re hungry. It’ll be my treat this time, since you’re always giving me snacks while listening._  
Maruki: _Thank you, Ren. Maybe I’ll take you up on the curry another time, but the coffee would be greatly appreciated._  
Maruki: _I’ll see you shortly._

“Hey Sakura-san,” Ren greeted, raising his hand when he entered the empty cafe. He dropped his bag into a booth and cleared the table on his way over to the carafe, absently wondering which blend of beans Maruki-sensei would like the most.

“Well, hey yourself, Ren,” Sojiro said, his eyebrows raised. The kid was being politer than normal. “You gonna make coffee this late?” Ren nodded. “Didn’t you just get back from work? Take the night off, kid!”

Ren shook his head, pulling on his apron once he’d deposited the dishes into the sink. “I asked a teacher to come over and give me some help with something tonight. It was unexpected and super short notice, but I don’t think it can wait.”

“Oh?” Sojiro made sure his voice stayed even as he pulled a cigarette out and placed it between his lips. “Is it your homeroom teacher, or is it a different one?”

“Uh.” Ren blinked, his entire face heating up. “It’s not… it’s not Kawakami-sensei this time.”

Sojiro nodded, shrugging as he lit the cigarette. “Not really my business if you’re getting extra tutoring at night on the weekends, is it? Your grades have gone up, and you’re staying out of trouble, so I didn’t say anything before.” He took a drag, blowing the smoke out in a long stream. “This some other teacher, then?”

Ren nodded, wondering how much he could tell Sojiro. He picked some beans, aware that he was nervous and fidgeting. “Maruki-sensei was brought in after everything with Kamoshida. I’m helping him out in the clinic at the school sometimes,”

“Like with Takemi?”

Ren blushed, uncomfortable that Sojiro seemed to know so much about his activities without Ren ever telling him. _Maybe I misjudged him,_ Ren thought. _Maybe he does care._ “Kind of like Takemi-sensei. Only, I’m a regular patient with him, too, not just a volunteer.”

His expression still carefully blank, Sojiro nodded. “Therapy, huh? Good for you, kid.” He took another drag on his cigarette, raising his brows at Ren’s incredulous look of shock. “What? I got something on my face?”

Ren shook his head, unable to say anything.

“I’ll get out of your hair, then. Make sure you lock up afterward, okay?” He reached for his hat and looked back over his shoulder at Ren just before he left, his concern clear on his face. “Today must have been really rough if you’re calling him for an after-hours session. I’m calling you in sick tomorrow, and I’ll keep the cafe closed, so get some rest, okay kid? See ya.”

Ren was still staring at the door, speechless and wide-eyed, when Maruki-sensei stepped through ten minutes later.

“So, I recently started a part-time job.”

“Another one? Ren, you’re already working so much… and on top of school.” Maruki-sensei was aghast. “At this rate, you’re going to burn yourself out, if you haven’t already.”

Ren shrugged, returning his attention to the rag he was using to wipe the counter. “It’s partially a job, partially a favor.”

“You seem to have an awful lot of those,” Maruki-sensei observed. 

“I like to help, and sometimes I need help with things that I can’t do by myself. It seems to work out in my favor a lot of the time. Well enough, anyway. Today, Iwai-san sent me a message. Since he felt like he could trust me, he was going to teach me about the shop. Today was my first _official_ day on the job, but I had been allowed to help out a few times until now.”

Maruki-sensei nodded. “Kind of like a probationary period, or an internship?”

“You could call it that, I guess.”

“So tell me about tonight, Ren. It sounds like you were excited to start?”

Ren nodded. “Oh, yeah. I was definitely excited to start. I mean, I recently got into model guns, you know, and this is a model gun shop. They’re just so cool.” Ren blushed, looking up at Maruki-sensei. “I’ve even started collecting them,” he confessed quietly. Maruki-sensei didn’t say anything, just smiling, so Ren continued, bolstered by the lack of judgement. “Iwai-san is really rough around the edges, you know, but I feel like he’s a really kind person deep down.” Ren sighed, “I guess he wasn’t ready to meet me there, I guess.”

“Hmm? Tell me about what happened.”

Ren fixed his own coffee and took a seat at the counter next to Maruki-sensei, taking a sip as he tried to find the words to explain what had happened.

“A competitor started spreading false rumors about the shop, and Iwai-san was worried about how it was going to affect his business. Not just him, but also his son.”

“’False rumors,’ huh?” Maruki glanced sideways at Ren. “Something you have a fair bit of experience with, yourself.”

Ren nodded, the corner of his lips tugging up in a wry smile. “That’s what I thought. So, I told him that I know how it feels to try and shake off a bad reputation.”

“Didn’t go well?”

“He shut me down right away,” Ren confessed quietly, staring at the black well of coffee like it could give him all of the answers. “It’s not like he didn’t believe me. Not exactly. But I tried to open up to him about it and… he said that he didn’t want to know.”

Maruki-sensei hummed. “I’m sorry to hear about that, Ren. How did it make you feel when that happened?”

Ren took another sip, considering. “I… was disappointed. Definitely disappointed. I thought… I had though that he might have some advice for me, you know? An adult that’s in a similar situation as I am… maybe he would be willing to listen to me. But instead, he brushed it off.”

“I can definitely see how that would be disappointing.”

“I thought… maybe I could connect with him. Learn from him. Maybe I could look up to him? I’m not sure what I really wanted.”

Maruki-sensei looked at Ren, saw the way his entire body seemed to droop. “Do you think that, maybe, part of you just wanted for him to see you?” Ren shrugged, and Maruki-sensei continued, leaning back. “Let me explain a little bit what I think, then. Does that work for you?”

Ren nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

“So, what I see, is that you’ve met this older person. Iwai-san, you called him. And you think that he’s got a similar sort of situation as you, right?”

“Yeah. We both have to figure out how to come back from a bad reputation that neither of us really earned.”

“Right. So, you’re clearly going to look up to him, aren’t you? He’s in the same sort of situation — or at least similar enough — as you are. Does this seem like it’s a first for him, or is it something that he’s dealt with a couple of times? What do you think?”

“It seems like this isn’t the first time he’s dealt with it,” Ren admitted. “I think that’s why I thought I could open up to him about my experience and that he’d be able to help. Because he’s done it before.”

“That makes sense to me. You have said that a couple of times — your intention to “open up” to him.”

Ren nodded, looking down at his coffee. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to tell me a little about what you mean?”

Shrugging, Ren took a sip of his coffee. “I guess I just mean open up to him.”

“Okay. Let me ask it this way: what were you planning to tell him?”

Ren set his coffee down on the counter and clasped his hands, threading the fingers together as he asked himself the same question. “What… was I meaning to tell him?” He hummed. “I guess… I don’t know. I guess I was going to say ‘I got a criminal record because some guy fell down and accused me of pushing him, so I know what that’s like’ or… something. I’m not actually sure what I was going to say.”

“Hmm. That’s fair. But you wanted to share your past with him?”

Ren nodded. “I thought… maybe he would listen. And, maybe, he would get it.”

“So you wanted to be heard?” Ren nodded slowly. “That’s absolutely understandable, Ren. I can see how that would hurt to be shut down like that.”

“I’m mad at him, Maruki-sensei.” Ren confessed. “And I think… I think I’m mad at myself, too.”

“That’s a natural human reaction,” Maruki-sensei said softly, his voice calm. “Tell me about it.”

Ren looked at his hands, the knuckles turning white as he squeezed his fingers together. “I just… wasn’t he in the same kind of position I was — am — in before? He’s made some mistakes in the past, Maruki-sensei, and he admits to it freely. He’s fought back, and been hurt, and now it looks like he’s trying to move on with his life and do something different. Better. But the things he did before keep coming back to bite him now, when he’s close to being out and moving on.” Ren gritted his teeth. “I don’t know how he can do that and turn someone away when they wanted help.” Ren’s voice raised the more he spoke, the words spilling out faster and faster.

“He’s a different person than you are, Ren.”

“But he shouldn’t have shut me out!”

“No?” Maruki-sensei asked softly. “Is this because _you_ wouldn’t have shut _him_ out if you were in his position, or is this something else?”

Ren thought of Caroline and Justine, of Jose, how young they looked but how old they must have been, and the way his heart hurt when he thought he wouldn’t be able to help them. The extra time spent in Mementos to gather flowers just because it made Jose smile. The trips he took with Caroline and Justine, the way their eyes lit up every time he fused the Persona that he requested exactly to their specifications. 

The thought that something or somebody might be hurting them made something in him scream in fury. He thought about what he would do if they were real children in this world, if he found out that something had been hurting him. What would he do?

What would he do if _he_ were the adult in a situation similar to this, where a child had come to him for help? Even if the child had only asked for him to _listen_ , how would he respond?

“I would want to do everything that I could to help,” Ren said through gritted teeth.

Maruki-sensei nodded, a small smile on his face. “I would, too. But not everyone is like you and me, Ren. Some people need to focus on their problems, and they don’t have the ability to look at what is going on with other people.”

“It’s wrong.”

“For you and me? Yes. That’s not the kind of people we are, is it? We want to help people. It’s written into the very core of our being, I expect. But not everyone is like that. Is it wrong for someone to be anything less than their truest self, Ren?”

Ren’s eyes were steel. “If they’re hurting people, they’re wrong.”

“I think you should think on this some, Ren, and decide if you still agree with that statement once you’ve calmed down some. Your anger is absolutely valid, and you are hurting, but you are both very different people. I highly doubt that this Iwai-san that you look up to and speak so highly of would intentionally snub you just to hurt you. He has his own reasons for doing what he was doing, and unfortunately it hurt you.”

“I… Iwai-san is a good guy, Maruki-sensei. I know he is.”

“And I’m not doubting you, Ren,” Maruki-sensei said softly. 

Ren leaned forward, the angry energy seeming to flow out of him as he pushed his coffee aside and he rested his head on the counter. “I’m just so tired. I wanted him to listen to me, and tell me what I could do, Maruki-sensei. I think I’m disappointed.”

“In him? In yourself? In the situation?”

“That I don’t have an answer.” He turned his face so he was facing Maruki-sensei. “Why do hard things need to be so hard, Maruki-sensei?” Ren complained.

“There are certain lessons that need to be learned, I guess. Who can say? I wish that I could make it easier for you, Ren.”

Ren hummed. “Sometimes I wish you could, too.” He sighed. “But that’s not the way life works, so I guess it doesn’t do much good to dwell on it. Right?”

Maruki-sensei’s smile was sad. “Right.” He sighed. “I think you’re still talking around what’s really bothering you about tonight. Do you want to keep talking about it? Or do you think you’ve kind of settled what was happening earlier?”

Sitting up, Ren stretched his arms behind his back and exhaled, long and slow. “I’m not sure, Maruki-sensei. On the one hand… it feels like he left me behind? On the other hand… was it really going to go any other way?”

“Like he abandoned you, Ren?”

“I, uh.” Ren blinked. “Yeah, I suppose.”

Maruki-sensei nodded, looking like some of the pieces of the puzzle that was Amamiya Ren had come together and were starting to form a picture. “That fits a little bit with what we have talked about before. Does it feel like he chose something else over you, Ren?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it feeling kind of like this thing was more important to him than your relationship with him — or rather, more important than you?”

“…yeah.”

Maruki-sensei laced his fingers together in front of his face, looking at Ren for a long moment before he spoke quietly. “It looks like this is going to be a conversation you and I have earlier than we expected, doesn’t it? Like maybe… the thought of someone leaving you, or that you aren’t the most important thing to them, is more painful than you expected it to be, and it can come up in many more ways than you ever anticipated.”

Ren nodded wordlessly, frowning. “If that’s what this is… I didn’t think it was a problem, Maruki-sensei.”

He shook his head. “No, you wouldn’t think it was a problem until it showed up somewhere unexpected, would you? But now you know what the thought was, underneath all of this pain.”

“I… was afraid that he was going to leave me?”

“Maybe. Or maybe, by pulling away from you when you were prepared to reach out and make yourself vulnerable, it aggravated old wounds that haven’t been healed.”

Ren shifted. “I don’t know,” he said.

“You don’t need to know right now. But you should think about it a little for next time. I’m curious about what you’d come up with.” Maruki-sensei yawned and covered his mouth, blinking in surprise before he laughed. “Well, Ren, I think it might be best if I get going. It is… quite late. Even with coffee, tomorrow is going to be a difficult morning, I think.”

Ren nodded, standing up himself and walking with Maruki-sensei to the door of the cafe. “Thank you for meeting with me tonight, Maruki-sensei,” he said quietly. “I know you didn’t have to, but I appreciate it.”

Maruki-sensei’s smile was soft but bright. “Of course, Ren. I’m so proud of you for reaching out to me, and I think that you did some really good work tonight. Get some rest, okay?”

“Goodnight, Maruki-sensei.”

After cleaning up the cafe, Ren went upstairs to find Morgana curled up and sleeping on his pillow. Mind still buzzing, and skin prickling, Ren changed into his pajamas and settled in his bed next to Morgana, checking his phone.

The multiple messages he had waiting from him from Akechi Goro made him smile, the prickling in his body fading as he opened the chat and read them.

Ren: _I just saw your messages._  
Ren: _Clearly, Red is the superior Featherman in any universe, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I found your argument for Black as the best character compelling._  
Ren: _As a human being I can definitely understand why you’d find that to be a reasonable response to the situation. But since you value your career as a detective, I think I have to vote for you not committing mass murder._  
Ren: _No, I haven’t mastered that trick shot yet, and I have no idea what store you’re talking about. If you could either send me directions or take me there next time, I would appreciate it._  
Ren: _Also, any book recommendations you can make would be fantastic, even if you think they’re above my reading level. I would also definitely appreciate it if you could lend any of your books to me._  
Ren: _Also, I’m insulted. I scored in the Top 5 of my class at midterms, and I’m expecting to take the top spot for finals soon._  
Ren: _To date, I think I have 4 part time jobs? Maybe 5? I honestly can’t keep track of them anymore, and some of them are unpaid or unofficial so I’m not sure if they really count. I just started my 4th official part-time job, but I don’t know if I can disclose the location at this time. I’ll ask my boss and let you know if I’m allowed to have visitors while I’m working._  
Akechi: _Amamiya Ren, you are not supposed to be awake at this time. Why aren’t you asleep? Go to sleep._  
Ren: _I had a rough night at work, so I called a friend over to help me with some stuff._  
Akechi: _The blond one? With the loud mouth?_  
Ren: _Ryuji? No. Good guess though. I’m impressed you remembered my friends so clearly, especially after only meeting them that one time._  
Ren: _Can you keep a secret?_  
Akechi: _For you? Absolutely._

Ren blushed, his heart beating hard in his chest at the immediate response.

Ren: _I see a therapist. That’s who I had over tonight._  
Akechi: _I see. Thank you for confiding in me, Amamiya-kun. I promise to take the secret to my grave._

Ren smiled. Akechi was so serious, even well after midnight.

Akechi: _Can you keep a secret?_  
Ren: _For you? Always._

Ren’s response was instantaneous, his smile growing. He had only met Akechi Goro recently, but he knew that they would become close friends.

Akechi: _I used to see a therapist._  
Akechi: _Of course, it didn’t last too long, as I had to… relocate… shortly after I began seeing them._  
Akechi: _I was a child at the time. All I clearly remember was drawing a lot of pictures with the onee-san and sometimes getting ice cream together during our weekly meetings. They were always very kind, and I remember that they asked a lot of questions, but not what they were about._  
Akechi: _If you have decided to focus on your mental health, Amamiya-kun, I will not look down on you for seeking professional help._  
Akechi: _And, if you ever decide that you would like to talk to me about the things that are bothering you… I would listen._  
Akechi: _Oh_  
Akechi: _I apologize, that was incredibly long-winded._  
Akechi: _I fear I am more exhausted than I realized, so I will be going to sleep now._  
Ren: _Akechi_  
Ren: _Thank you._  
Akechi: _Of course, Amamiya-kun. Good night._  
Ren: _Ren._  
Akechi: _What’s that?_

Ren blushed deeply, his fingers having typed the message before he’d realized his intention.

Ren: _Call me Ren from now on._

He wondered what face Akechi was making on the other end of the phone.

Akechi: _Very well._  
Akechi: _Good night, Ren._

After that, Ren was able to fall asleep very quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some formatting issues while posting this chapter - hopefully they're all fixed now~!
> 
> Also, does anyone else miss paused/reversed arcana?


	8. Mercy or Destruction?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hard choices need to be made. Not all relationships are easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to preface this chapter by saying that I adore Makoto, but all actions have consequences.

**Chapter 8** : _Mercy or Destruction?_

After Kaneshiro’s Palace was cleared, the pictures were destroyed, and the police managed to arrest him, the Phantom Thieves of Heart were facing their biggest challenge yet: Final Exams.

Ren, who had been studying steadily the entire time he’d been enrolled in Shujin Academy, wasn’t too concerned. Makoto, who didn’t know him very well yet, was trying to convince him that he needed to spend more time studying and less time focusing on everything else.

Everything else, in this moment, was Ren standing over a hot stove with his tongue sticking out between his lips as he focused on making the best pot of curry he had made yet. Makoto was sitting at the counter, trying to convince him using words that he needed to focus on his academics instead. It was annoying, but he was able to mostly tune it out.

Ann and Ryuji, who knew better and whose reassurances had fallen on her deaf ears, were sitting across from each other in a booth trying desperately not to laugh at the situation while Morgana groomed himself, immune to the high school shenanigans happening around him.

Yusuke sat at the counter, eagerly anticipating his helping of curry and sketching the entire scene around him with a fond smile on his face.

“How are you going to prove your innocence to the school if you fail your final exams, Ren?” Makoto’s voice was loud, and exasperated. “A criminal record is one thing, but I can’t abide by failing grades as the student council president.” All sound in the cafe seemed to stop at her snappish comment.

Ren stood straight, his shoulders pushed back, and gently set down the spoon he had been stirring with. Even Morgana had stopped grooming himself to scamper away, taking refuge under the table between Ann and Ryuji’s suddenly still legs as Ren turned to face Makoto with a look on his face that was seen more often on Joker, the usual target being the Shadows in the Metaverse.

“Nijima-senpai,” Ren said quietly, “if you are going to accuse me of something without checking the facts, I’m going to have to ask you to leave now. I will contact you when we meet to decide our next target, or when we decide on the celebration party for Kaneshiro.”

“But I—”

“I’ll walk her to the station, Ren-Ren,” Ryuji said, standing up and stretching his arms behind his head. “I need a break, anyway.” His face was serious as his eyes met Ren’s and he nodded. “C’mon Makoto, I’ll carry your bag for you.”

In the moments that passed since Makoto had spoken, Yusuke had gathered everything that had been spread out between them and packed it away for her. Now, he silently passed the bag to Ryuji with a cold look on his face. Ryuji nodded in thanks, throwing the bag over his shoulder and walking towards the entrance, trusting that Makoto would be following behind him.

Confused, but receiving impassive glares from everyone around her, she followed Ryuji.

“Another cup of coffee, Ren?” Yusuke requested quietly, once both Ryuji and Makoto had left the cafe. His gentle request broke the tension in the air, and chased the dangerous gleam from Ren’s eyes.

“Stir the curry first, Ren!” Morgana called, leaping up onto one of the bench seats and resuming his grooming. “You don’t want it to burn.”

Subject: **Am I overreacting?**  
Ren: _…so that’s the situation._  
Akechi: _Nijima-san has been like that for as long as I’ve known her, so it doesn’t surprise me that she jumped to her own conclusions without checking the facts first._  
Akechi: _Having said that, I’m not clear on the situation as it stands within Shujin. Do they have a particularly bad opinion of you?_  
Ren: _You didn’t look me up?_  
Akechi: _Should I have?_  
Akechi: _Anything important to know, I trust you would tell me, Ren. I’d rather hear the truth from your own mouth than believe in rumors and hearsay._

Ren had to blink against the sudden heat that rose behind his eyes, clear his throat around the lump that formed. Nobody had asked him for his side of the story before getting the information from someone else. Not even in Inaba — they all heard from someone else, and even his old friends hadn’t cared to know his side of things.

Akechi: _Still, I have never believed that you would be the kind of student to flunk your tests, and you have told me that you placed rather high for midterms. I find it unusual that Nijima-san would believe what she heard before investigating it for herself._  
Ren: _Do you think I should forgive her?_  
Akechi: _Is what she did truly unforgivable, Ren?_  
Akechi: _I suggest you give it some time and space first. Analyze your own feelings before coming to a conclusion. If, in the end, you find that you cannot be friends with someone who acted this way, then part ways with her. If, instead, you decide that mercy and forgiveness are an appropriate response, then act on that instead._  
Akechi: _Whatever you decide, Ren, remain true to yourself and you will make the right decision._

It was a few days later when Ren received a long message from Makoto, apologizing for her harsh words as well as for jumping to conclusions. Until he received that apology, Ren wanted nothing to do with her outside of the Phantom Thieves, and none of the other Thieves went out of their way to contact her either.

Akechi did say it was up to him whether or not to extend the forgiveness, after all. Would he choose to extend the hand of mercy, or would he choose instead to extend the fist of discipline?

He ended up forgiving her, and hoping that he was making the right choice for all of them.

Despite messaging each other multiple times throughout the day, when Ren and Akechi were able to meet up in person, things were almost painfully awkward between them. Brief moments of connection when they happened to take the train at the same time, or when their paths crossed while Ren was out shopping.

Settling into a table together at Jazz Jin while the singer performed and they drank their purple drinks, it seemed like they were starting to learn how they meshed with one another in the real world. Finally, they were approaching something more natural as they exchanged grins and discussed topics that were usually reserved for 1am.

Ren could see Jazz Jin becoming his new favorite place, outside of Cafe Leblanc, and with that fond thought in mind he explained his entire story to Akechi, who listened patiently and interjected only to express his support for Ren.

By the time they left Jazz Jin, Ren felt like he and Akechi understood each other a little bit better, and he had even more motivation to master making a curry that Akechi would be able to eat. Not that he could cook too many things, but the fact that Akechi led such a busy life and seemed to survive only on microwaveable frozen meals left a pit of discomfort in Ren’s stomach.

Maybe next time they met, Ren would be able to convince Akechi to meet him at Leblanc.

They tried another study session at Leblanc, and this time when Ren said “I don’t need to study,” Makoto held her tongue.

Ren did, however, sit down at the booth with the rest of the group to complete his homework and help both Ann and Ryuji with what they were having trouble with. His participation seemed to ease the lingering tension in the Cafe, and though he would rather be spending his time making tools for their next Metaverse operation — a Mementos run, from the looks of it, since he needed to stop that abusive boyfriend for Chihaya-san and replenish his funds from purchasing that awful “Holy Stone” scam — he decided to lead by example.

Makoto, at least, seemed to appreciate his participation.

Soon enough, Ryuji was starting to get distracted and wanted to talk about their celebration. After they decided that fireworks was the best bet — even in this heat — he decided he had participated enough, his homework complete, and asked Ryuji to let him out of the booth, homework in hand as he headed towards the stairs.

“Ren—” Makoto started, her voice sharp as she called his name.

He whirled, his grey eyes cold when they met hers in challenge. “I have infiltration tools to make for our next Mementos run, and then I’d like to clean up the shop while Sojiro-san is gone. Unless you intend to restock our supply of Lockpicks and Smokescreens to make the infiltration easier for us, Nijima-senpai?”

She wilted, the bite in his voice catching her off guard. “N-no, that’s not something that I can do.”

Ren grinned and it was more teeth than smile. The flash of Joker’s dagger made manifest in the real world. “That’s correct. I allow you some lenience within the Metaverse, but out here? My life remains _my life_ , Nijima-senpai, and I intend to live it as I please. Ryuji and Ann need your help with studying more than I do, and if you had actually checked my scores on the midterms you would know that my academics were never going to be in danger, even if I didn’t study once for our final exams.” Ren walked up the stairs, not sure if he was going to bring the supplies downstairs or if he would rather take advantage of the privacy in the attic to calm himself down.

Silence reigned.

“Makoto,” Yusuke’s voice was politely distant when he addressed her, “Does Joker typically give warnings in battle?”

The sudden change of subject surprised her and she shook her head, her reddish eyes wide. “N-no.”

“Hmm, that’s correct. He doesn’t _typically_ give warnings.” Yusuke tilted his head, observing her with narrowed eyes. “So far, he has given you two.” He touched his pen to his chin. “Do you expect a third?”

When Makoto joined Ren while he was walking to school the next day, she briefly mentioned their plans for fireworks, and instead of threatening that it would not happen if they failed their finals she held her tongue.

When she mentioned going to see Maruki-sensei, Ren didn’t tell her that he was taking advantage of the counselor’s sessions and finding them to be quite helpful. He also didn’t tell her that Maruki-sensei was making him an assistant, nor anything about the mental training exercises that he was learning to assist the Phantom Thieves.

In another universe, with a Ren who was less aware of himself, he might have shared those secrets. In this one, Ren considered if he had been too hasty by trusting someone who had blackmailed them. If, perhaps, their Advisor was going to turn them in to the police after all. If, perhaps, he had made a mistake by choosing mercy over discipline.

The High Priestess, when in the reversed position, can be a sign that one needs to withdraw and reconnect with their own intuition rather than being swept up in the current that was other people’s opinions. Left unchecked, one may become fearful of the judgments of others, become paranoid, and withdraw from both the outer and inner worlds. Disconnected. Isolated.

Alone.

The day that the traffic accident occurs, Ren receives so many rambling, disjointed messages from Akechi that he needs to silence the notifications on his phone. Worried, he checks and responds to every message throughout the day, wondering what he could do to comfort a detective who tries to keep him at arm’s length.

Subject: **After school today…**  
Ren: _Pancakes? You seemed to like that cafe from before. They had a full menu._  
Akechi: _I don’t want to impose. You were going to study for finals today._  
Akechi: _I promise I’ll be fine, I’m just under a bit more stress than usual._  
Ren: _I want to treat you. Please?_  
Ren: _If you insist that I study this afternoon, you can help me._  
Ren: _Teach me, senpai!_  
Akechi: _…has anyone told you how annoyingly persistent you can be?_  
Ren: _Is that a yes?_  
Akechi: _I’ll meet you at Shibuya Crossing in 15 minutes._

Yoshizawa-san was an unexpected addition to their afternoon plans, and by the end of the afternoon Ren really couldn’t blame Akechi for bringing up the Phantom Thieves, starting a debate, or for his vaguely annoyed expression. His face was otherwise picture-perfect and camera-ready, but for a Ren who had been looking for signs of stress, it was clear that he was fraying a bit around the edges, fingers tapping impatiently. He asked questions to which there was no good answer, and challenged Ren to make it work.

It was afternoon, but he’d ordered his coffee black.

So when Yoshizawa-san said that she needed to leave, Ren remained seated and waved at her instead, a bland smile on his face. “I haven’t finished my drink yet, and I think I’d like to try a snack from here. I’ll be rooting for you, though! You got this, Yoshizawa-san!”

When she left, Ren turned to Akechi with a wide smile on his face. “Shall we? I promised you pancakes, and I intend to deliver.”

If Akechi’s mask blurred around the edges, or his lips trembled when he smiled, Ren would never mention it.

Ren had barely gotten on the train when his phone buzzed with a new message:

Akechi: _Thank you, Ren_

He smiled all the way home.

Subject: **It’s okay if you can’t**  
Ren: _Live performance at Jazz Jin tomorrow night, if you can make time._  
Ren: _You deserve a real break. Somewhere you’re comfortable._  
Ren: _I really enjoyed the performance with you last time._

Akechi’s enthusiastic response was delivered over a phone call that lasted two hours, while Ren washed his clothes in the public laundromat with a gentle smile on his face.

He thought that, maybe, he was finally starting to hear the true Akechi Goro.

Makoto was studying at home when her phone rang, an unexpected name flashing on the screen. Surprised, she answered the phone. “Hello?”

Ann’s voice was quieter than expected. “Hey Makoto. Can you make time to talk right now? It’s… kind of important. Thief business.”

Makoto’s heart leapt to her throat and she stood quickly, walking towards the door with long strides. “Yes, absolutely. I’m on my way now. Where are we meeting?” She checked, but Sae was nowhere to be found, her shoes not near the door even after 10 in the evening. As she was pulling on her shoes, she briefly wondered if she should leave a note, her mind swirling with possibilities for a Phantom Thieves meeting at such a late time.

“No, Makoto. It’s just me, we’re not meeting up anywhere right now.” Ann’s exhale was loud through the phone. “Actually, it would be more difficult to have this conversation face to face, so I’m taking the coward’s way out.”

Makoto paused, her cell phone pressed between her ear and her shoulder as she leaned on her arm, balancing on one leg while pulling her shoe on. “What… do you mean, Ann?”

“I mean that this is your last chance to be a member on this team, Makoto. So if you want to repair your relationship with Ren before he decides that you can’t be trusted, you better _make_ time to talk to me right now, no matter what you’re doing, and figure out what your intentions towards him are before it’s too late for you.”

Makoto dropped her foot to the ground, allowing herself to slide slowly to the floor in the entryway, both hands clutching at her phone as the world around her seemed to tilt on it’s axis. “Wh-what?” She cleared her throat, trying to kick her brain into gear. “But Yusuke said—”

Ann interrupted. “If Ren’s preparing for a Mementos trip, that means you only have a couple of days to prepare yourself.”

“Prepare myself? For what?”

“To meet Joker.” Ann’s voice was deadly calm, and colder than Makoto had ever heard it. “And Joker doesn’t give warnings or second chances.”

For a reason that she couldn’t justify, Makoto felt her entire body go cold with terror from the tone of Ann’s voice. “But what does that _mean_ , Ann? Ren and Joker are the same person—”

Ann laughed. It was not a nice laugh. “Are they? Is Makoto truly Queen? Is Ann the same person as Panther? Are Skull and Ryuji the same person? No, senpai. You need to listen to me, and listen carefully. If Ren is preparing infiltration tools, you have less than a week to figure out how you’re going to fix your relationship with him before we enter the Metaverse.” Her voice went quiet again, and Makoto was beginning to suspect that a quiet Ann was never an Ann she wanted to be around. “If Ren has already decided that you are not trustworthy, you won’t have a _chance_ with Joker. And if _Joker_ decides you aren’t trustworthy, well. You’ll never see _him_ coming.”

Makoto dropped the phone to the floor, vaguely responding in kind to Ann’s “ _Goodnight, senpai_ ,” and wondered how things had gone so poorly while tears began to roll down her face.

Ann was right: Queen and Makoto were two very different people. How had she thought that it would be any different with Ren?


	9. The Right Vehicle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes the right vehicle to deliver understanding and forgiveness, as it takes the heart time to grow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to personally thank my tarot deck for helping me through the absolute creative trainwreck that was chapter 8 and chapter 9 of this story. At the same time, ouch, you don't pull any punches. (I've included the cards pulled in the end notes, though I have not included my interpretation of the reading at the time of posting.)
> 
> I do try to fuse my tarot knowledge, but at the same time I don't want to overdo it. Definitely let me know if you want to see more of this because _hoo boy_ I can definitely add some really fun stuff.

**Chapter 9** : _The Right Vehicle_

It was late at night when Ren’s phone chimed, a notification of a new chat message from Nijima Makoto coming through. Morgana’s half-asleep grumbling almost convinced him not to open it, but in the end it was the fledgling bond that stretched between the two of them — Priestess and Fool — that convinced him to open the chat and see what she had to say.

Subject: **I don’t understand**  
Makoto: _Once again, I would like to apologize for repeatedly overstepping. I admit that I am not sure what exactly I am doing wrong, but I am willing to listen to what you have to say and adjust my behavior._  
Makoto: _As we discussed previously, my experience with people our age is... limited, and not very positive. I do not have the easy camaraderie that exists with you, Ann, and Ryuji, and I admit that it makes me feel both frustrated and envious that even Yusuke and a cat respond better to you than I do._  
Makoto: _Can you spare me some time tomorrow and hear my request?_

Ren put the phone down without answering, his lips drawn in a severe frown as he considered whether he even _wanted_ to meet with her outside of the Metaverse. He had promised her a place on his team, and she was a valuable ally in battle, but he did not need to associate with her outside of the Phantom Thieves if he did not want to. 

And right now, he did not want to. He would worry about it in the morning, and only if he did not receive any more tempting offers.

As it stood right now, the High Priestess arcana was blocked from further advancement, and Igor was unable to provide any extra bonuses for fusions until the situation resolved. When he had asked, Caroline had been quite strict with him, advising that once he formed a bond with someone of a particular arcana, none other would be able to fill that space in his life. He could meet and befriend many who held the arcana within their hearts, but his existing bond could not be overwritten once the contract had been sealed. Any bonuses would have to come from that first contract he held within his heart.

_Otherwise it’s cheating, Inmate!_ Caroline had scolded.

His Justice was Akechi Goro, who was a potential Metaverse user and possibly his enemy. His Fool was Igor, someone who he did not fully trust for reasons that he was not able to name. And now, his Priestess was Nijima Makoto — a person who was currently unable to see him as a person outside of the rumors that surrounded him. 

He truly wished that he was able to choose his Confidants, and overwrite the ones that were only causing him pain. If these were the representations of his soul’s path, if these were the connections that he made to change his destiny, Ren wondered if he would be successful. He wondered if, with these allies beside him, he would have a chance to win this unwinnable game, or if the allies he had chosen would be his downfall. 

It took him a long time to fall asleep as he considered this.

Makoto’s phone rang early in the morning. After the nightmares that had followed Ann’s phone call the night before, she almost did not want to answer when the screen showed her the name “Sakamoto Ryuji” but she took a deep breath, gathered every bit of Guts that had allowed her to face Kaneshiro directly, and answered the phone.

“Hey Nijiima-senpai. What’s bonkin’?”

“Good morning,” she responded neutrally.

“You got a sec? I just finished up my training, so now’s the best time for me to chat. It’s, uh. Kind of important. So if you could make some time, that’d be great.”

How... familiar.

“A moment. My sister is home, so I’ll step outside for privacy.”

“Okay.”

Makoto closed her bedroom door behind her, walking quietly through the apartment. Her sister had fallen asleep, suit and all, on the sofa the night before, so she was extra cautious as she made her way through the apartment. She slipped her shoes on and closed the door quietly, walking outside and slightly away from the apartment. There was nobody around this early in the morning.

“I believe I have as much privacy as I am going to get, unless you would prefer to meet up this morning.”

“Nah, this shouldn’t take long. I guess that depends on you, though.” She could hear Ryuji shrug. “I guess I’ll just get to the point. Ma wanted my help with somethin’ today anyway, and I don’t think this is gonna be fun for either of us. Since it’s Thieves business, yanno? But I figure if you’ve already talked to Ann, and you’ve already talked to Yusuke, I’m the only one left who can knock some sense into you.”

Makoto blinked. “Literally, or figuratively?” She asked slowly. 

“Whichever one it has to be to get through to you, Nijima-senpai,” Ryuji’s voice was flat, quieter and more serious than she’d ever heard it.

Taking a deep breath, Makoto nodded. “You would never hit a girl outside of the Metaverse, so I suppose if this doesn’t work out, we’ll be heading out for a special Mementos trip?”

“Got it in one, senpai. But you’re smart, even if you’re actin’ really dumb right now, yanno? I’m not super smart, or great with people, but I’m the last one you got who might be able to help you out so I’m gonna give it a go and hope that you finally get your act together before it’s too late.”

Ann’s voice echoed in her mind. _“If Ren has already decided that you’re not trustworthy, you won’t have a_ chance _with Joker. And if_ Joker _decides you aren’t trustworthy... well. You’ll never see_ him _coming._ ”

Perhaps it was already too late.

Makoto swallowed the angry retort that wanted to crawl up her throat and out of her mouth in favor of the productive response. “I’m listening, Sakamoto-kun. I... appreciate your advice regarding the situation.”

She could hear rustling on the other end of the line and imagined Ryuji running his fingers through his bleached hair as he let out a gusty sigh. “Okay, so... this isn’t gonna be easy, senpai, okay? But you gotta understand that there’s a lot of stuff going on that you don’t know about — and you’re _not gonna_ know about until it’s too late to do anything about it.”

“That’s... understandable, I suppose. As much as I dislike it, I certainly understand that I do not have all the information.”

“And you’re not gonna get any of the information you want if you keep going the way you’re going, senpai.” Ryuji sighed again. “Man, I hate having to be the sensible one,” he muttered.

Makoto smiled softly. Sakamoto Ryuji would always be Sakamoto Ryuji. “I appreciate your assistance Ryuji,” she said gratefully, her voice warm.

“Oh no. Nuh-uh. We are _not_ on first-name basis right now, Nijima-senpai. Ren-Ren made that clear, and he doesn’t need to give us orders for us to follow them. We respect him too much to do otherwise, and he’s our Leader, yanno? So you’re gonna have to remember that I’m doing this without his permission, and I’m tryin’ to help ya, but we’re not on friendly terms right now. Got it?” Again with the serious, cold tone that she wouldn’t expect to hear from Sakamoto Ryuji.

“I understand,” she said softly. She bit her lip and listened quietly, wishing she didn’t feel so weak that those words twisted in her heart.

“I don’t really know how to say this without hurtin’ your feelings or anythin’, so I’m just gonna say it the best I can. And you gotta listen, okay? Pretend that it’s part of a instruction manual for bein’ a Phantom Thief or somethin’ if you gotta, but listen.”

“I’m listening.”

“Okay. So.” Ryuji growled, impatient with himself. “You’re just gonna make Ren-Ren mad at you if you keep scolding him like this, yanno?” He bit out. “Dude _seems_ chill, but he’s got a lot going on. He won’t tell you what’s going on, either, so you really gotta pay attention. You harpin’ on him about finals? Tellin’ him that he needs to pay attention to the rumors and try _harder_ to ‘clear his name’ or whatever? ‘S bullshit like that ‘ll make him lose all the trust in you he gained in Kaneshiro’s Palace. He don’t need someone tellin’ him to pay attention to what’s goin’ on around him - he needs someone who will have his back no matter what sorta shit they’re talkin’ and _believe him_ when he says that he’s got his shit handled.”

The words seemed to come more naturally now, and for that Makoto was glad. She was able to follow him, too, as he was laying out her transgressions clearly.

She hadn’t truly realized until he called attention to it that she was misreading Ren’s responses. She thought that maybe he was being too relaxed about his studying, but she didn’t stop to think that maybe there was a reason for it. She thought that maybe he didn’t care about what the rest of the school said, when maybe she should have considered that he cared a lot more about what they said than he was letting on. 

Looking at it from that angle, she could see how she was a failure as a friend, and she felt shame — hot and ugly, a feeling she was used to — uncurling in her chest, spreading through her.

“Ann said she called you last night and warned you, but Ann’s too nice about it. You already lost his trust, Nijima-senpai. But you didn’t really have it in the first place, and I think you forgot that.”

“What do you mean, Ryuji—Sakamoto-kun?”

“I _mean_ when you blackmailed us into helpin’ you when you coulda just asked. Shit’s fucked up, dude. But I’m not the leader — and I don’t wanna be. So I didn’t say nothin’ cuz I trust our leader. I trust Ren’s decisions, but he gave you a chance and you blew it— twice. So you’ve got three strikes against ya, senpai, and it’s barely been a week since you joined our team. ” He paused, letting the words sit between them. 

It had barely been a week since her Awakening. Within days they had defeated Kaneshiro’s Shadow. 

Had it only been a matter of days? Had she truly forgotten about the blackmail, her underhanded methods, and expected that they would do the same?

“I _also_ know that you’ve had a warning from everyone on the team ‘sides Morgana and Ren about what you’ve been pullin’ and you gotta know that means you’re really close to being voted off the team. Yusuke stuck his neck out for you, then Ann, and now me, yanno? We don’t _want_ you to leave, but we don’t wanna lose Ren over you causing him pain. We gotta choose him over everything, yanno?”

Makoto nodded silently, though she knew he couldn’t see it. Ren had earned her loyalty, too, even in such a short amount of time. For people who had been by his side since he transferred, how could she expect anything less than absolutely, unwavering loyalty?

She was envious. She both wanted to have that kind of loyalty, and receive it. One day, would she have such a close relationship with anyone?

“Ren... He’s a smart guy. Suuuuuuuper smart, Nijima-senpai. When you joined us, it was almost like we had two of his brains on the front lines but three times as much chatter, cuz you actually explain your strategies and stuff to us, and tell us why a Shadow’s gonna be weak to my Zio.” Ryuji laughed. “Ren just tells me which Shadow to target, and lets me know if it needs to be Zio or physical or whatever. You give me a little more to work with than that. But without you on the team, we’re still gonna be okay. It’ll take a little longer, and Joker will probably be more tired all the time. But we can do it.”

“Even without my Nuke skills?” The question was out of her mouth before she could stop it, and her cheeks burned.

Ryuji laughed. “Nijima-senpai, I don’t think you have a clue how... what’s the word... flexible? Eh, close enough. How flexible Joker is. There ain’t a single element he can’t use—even Frei. Hell, he’s got so many Persona he can use that he can _change his weaknesses_ at will. He’s even got some Hama and Mudo skills kickin’ around somewhere... not that he usually uses them.”

He was quiet for a moment, somehow realizing that she needed the time to let the message soak in before he continued.

“You’ve seen him knock plenty of Shadows on their asses, and since you were there last time he was kind of focusing on playing defense, yanno? You have the potential to be a real heavy hitter but I promise that we can get by without you. We want you on our team, but we don’t need you.”

Shame. Guilt. Fury.

Even after her Awakening, she was still _useless_.

It took all of her self control, but she held her tongue, swallowing her comments down. Right now, it was important that she hears what Ryuji says. More important than railing against the thought that she was useless.

_You can still be true to yourself,_ she heard Johanna whisper within her. _There is a third path. Between these two extremes._

Makoto breathed deeply, as she did during a particularly stiff day during Aikido practice when the stretch would hurt if she did not yield. “I am not useless, Sakamoto-kun, no matter what you believe. I can make myself useful to you if given the chance.”

Ryuji’s voice was surprised. “What? No, senpai, that’s not what I’m sayin’ at all! You’re super useful!” He breathed, too. “What I’m _sayin’_ is that if Joker decides you’re not gonna work with the team, we’re not in such a bad situation that we’d be in danger, senpai. Havin’ you around is mega helpful, but we’ll _survive_ without you.”

She heard his words but still felt the heat that had prompted her Awakening, felt the stirring of Queen underneath her skin, the rumble of Johanna underneath her.

Remembered that, of everybody, she was speaking to someone who could understand the way her Will of Rebellion crept up on her and wanted her to shout and fight and _destroy_ whatever stood in front of her and blocked her path.

“It seems that this is still a difficult topic for me to discuss, Sakamoto-kun, though I assure you I am doing my best to push past such feelings.”

“Difficult to—oh! Right, I remember now. Sorry, Queen. I don’t mean that you’re useless. Not like that.” He sounded genuinely apologetic, and that was enough to help her soften towards him. “I guess I just mean... it’s a team, yanno? And no matter how awesome you are, if there’s no _teamwork_ it’s not gonna work.”

The words were a breath of fresh air as his meaning hit her.

Of course.

Teamwork.

Makoto hadn’t even really considered the problem from that direction.

She had proven herself as a useful member of the team, but only as an individual. She had yet to show herself as a valuable _teammate_. Joker, who was endlessly versatile, did not need a valuable individual as much as he needed teammates that he could trust and depend on.

He needed her to trust him as a leader, and instead she questioned his every motive and decision. He needed her to believe in him as a friend, and instead she listened to the rumors that others spread about him as if they were the truth, despite the contradiction within her own experiences. He needed her to prove herself, show that she had grown, and instead she failed every challenge that he put in front of her.

She had been _so confident_ in her superiority, so confident that she was correct, that she had not even looked up his midterm scores.

“Sakamoto-kun,” she started, her voice soft. “Can you... What was Amamiya-kun’s midterm score?”

“Oh, that?” Ryuji laughed. “He was, like, 3rd in our class or something. He missed the top 2 by a point, and he was so angry when we got our scores back that we spent the next week either in Mementos or trainin’ at the gym.”

And she had insinuated that he was going to fail his finals.

She started laughing, and it was only a few minutes until her laughs turned into tears and she was thanking Ryuji, hanging up the call before she began sobbing in earnest, pressing her face into her knees.

Subject: **I am truly sorry**  
Makoto: _It seems that my heart is still weak despite my Awakening_  
Makoto: _I would like to apologize to you in person when you have time_  
Makoto: _I have had long discussions with both Takamaki-san and Sakamoto-kun regarding my behavior towards you, and I believe that I am starting to understand how greatly I have wronged you. Though you have no reason to believe me, I want to assure you that it was never my intention._  
Makoto: _While I have done nothing to deserve your forgiveness, I wish to earn it as well as your trust. As a person as well as a Thief._  
Makoto: _One day, I would be honored to stand by your side as a friend, if you would have someone like me._  
Makoto: _I promise to work hard until that day, Leader._

The resolution of an Inverted Arcana felt like a soothing balm applied to an aching wound deep in him that, no matter what he had tried, had been festering. No other remedy would soothe the pain that he felt from that injury within himself. 

The Isis that was born from deep within his soul had stepped towards him with tears in her eyes, arms open wide as if to embrace him before she disappeared in swirling, sparkling blue.

It felt like forgiveness when he welcomed Isis into his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Makoto, okay. I do. I also highly, highly relate to her and her entire storyline. But when she joins, she is rigid and overbearing, and she tries to force her own ideals on other people. Also, was the blackmail thing ever brought up again?? I feel like it wasn't... and that won't fly for me. That, by itself, would start her off in negative trust zone. (I played through June/the beginning of July while writing the past couple of chapters and I was struck by how awful Makoto is right after she joins...)
> 
> In a world where Ren has a stronger sense of Self than he does in the game, Makoto joining the team was never going to be without conflict. She has some growing to do. This storyline is not completely wrapped up, but now we have a Makoto who is getting an idea of what she's done wrong, and a Ren who can accept her as she is, with hope for what she will become. 
> 
> For those curious about the tarot cards drawn for the past 2 chapters:  
> Chapter 8 -- Justice Reversed, Knight of Swords Reversed, 9 of Wands Reversed; Queen of Swords Reversed, King of Swords, The Tower Reversed  
> Chapter 9 -- Chariot, 5 of Wands, 9 of Pentacles


	10. acting according to your values

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His Priestess has returned to the upright position, but that does not mean all is well between Ren and Makoto. Humans, unfortunately, will forever be humans. Thankfully, that also means that there are people who are willing to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took me 3 days to write and it was like pulling teeth. please take it.
> 
> enjoy~
> 
> details in the ending notes

**Chapter 10:** Act According to Your Values

In the end, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to respond to Makoto, worried that he would reply too harshly. Though he _had_ been able to truly forgive her, his feelings were still hurt. Maruki-sensei, when asked at lunch time, had responded that his anger was a valid emotional response, and asked if he wanted to stop by after school today to discuss what had happened.

Ren declined, thinking that this was a situation he would rather work through by himself. Maruki-sensei had smiled softly at his response, and made a comment about how much stronger he seemed to be becoming these days.

The comment was puzzling, but something that he didn’t want to take the time to figure out right now. There was too much he wanted to do before he took the group into the Metaverse later on in the week. _If_ he was still taking them into the Metaverse this week, what with finals happening. 

He had sent some messages to Akechi throughout the school day, remembering the tenseness that had seemed to swallow him up the last time they met. The memory of his stiff, sunny smile was haunting him.

It was unusual that Akechi left all of his messages unread, but Ren tried not to worry too much, keeping them light-hearted and nothing too urgent. When the bell rang, signaling the end of the day, he found Ryuji waiting for him in the hallway.

“Yo, Ren-Ren! I’ve got something I wanna talk to you about,” Ryuji had greeted him, stretching a little bit. 

“Track team?”

“Yeah, that too. You mind hearin’ me out?”

Ren smiled easily. “Let me send Morgana home and I’ll go with you.”

Ryuji cheered. “Yeah! Let’s go get some Monja - I’ll treat this time, but don’t get used to it.”

Though Ryuji had offered to pay for the Monja, he had ended up forgetting to bring his wallet. Half-expecting this turn of events, Ren easily offered to pay for their meal and Ryuji showered him with gratitude. They chatted for a little bit while eating, mostly about final exams and other things that weren’t important, before Ryuji directed the conversation.

“So, about the track team: I got a text from Takeichi. He said the track team’s gonna try ‘n ditch Yamauchi. They wanna start practicin’ without him.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! They’re trying to get their old coach back, too! The one from before Kamoshida.” Ryuji’s grin spread wide across his face. “Looks like they’re finally walkin’ their own path,” he said fondly.

“Walking? Not running?” Ren grinned at the joke, enjoying Ryuji’s groan. “So, you’re satisfied now?”

Ryuji thought a moment. “Hmm, yeah, I think so.” He paused, leaning back. “You know, they asked me to come back?” He saw a look crossing Ren’s face and continued quickly, before Ren could interject, “Not that I’m _gonna_ go back. No way, man. It feels kinda bad sayin’ that, but that’s not where I really belong, yanno?” He studied Ren for a moment, the way his entire body had tensed when he thought Ryuji was going to rejoin the track team. Decided _Might as well say it_ and continued, his voice somewhat softer.

“When you first came to Shujin, people were talkin’ so much shit about you.”

“Hasn’t changed much.”

“Right? Not that it’s changed much. But it’s _changin’_ , my man. For real, it’s changin’. But they’re talkin’ all this shit about you, and you just took it in stride. Doin’ whatever you thought was cool, you didn’t really seem to care what other people said about you… I think that might be why people kinda… get pulled towards you, man. It’s like… wherever you decide to be, that’s where you belong.

“Does it look that way to you?” Ryuji nodded. “I… never realized that.”

“Yeah, man. It’s a big deal. Back before I met you? I kept just makin’ excuses for why I couldn’t fit in. Always ‘cuz of someone else… Kamoshida, the track team… Hell, I even blamed my dad. Even after he wasn’t around, I kept blamin’ him. I was such a freakin’ loser, doin’ that.” He groaned, looking up at the ceiling as he reflected a moment. “But now? As long as I’m bein’ myself, I’ll always have somewhere I can fit in.” He grinned at Ren. “It ain’t really the same place as before, but it’s damn good. I’m just glad I found it. I figure, right next to you, or with you maybe a little ahead of me? Something like that. That’s where I belong.”

Ren smiled, his grin large and crooked. “Sounds good to me, Ryuji.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Ren spoke again, his tone a little subdued compared to before as he peeked through his bangs to consider Ryuji, who was absent-mindedly grilling toothpicks now that he was out of Monja. “If you’re gonna stay by my side, you gotta promise me one thing, Ryuji.”

“Hmm? Anything. What’s up, Ren-Ren?”

Ren felt his lips turn in a frown. “That,” he said pointedly, straightening up. 

Ryuji felt the change coming over his friend, the air crackling between them as if electrified as Ren pulled on the inner strength that made him become Joker, and he straightened his back too, looking their leader in the eyes. A moment that could have passed by so easily had it not been for the bond they shared. Something that most of the team still struggled to notice until it was almost too late. Something that Ryuji found himself mirroring in these moments, donning the mantle of Phantom Thief between one breath and the next. Something that was becoming easier than breathing.

Joker’s eyes met Skull’s, clear and composed as he addressed both his friend and teammate. “If you intend to stand by my side, you need to stop calling me that. Sometimes it’s okay, but most of the time I don’t like it. Not because we aren’t close, but…” Joker’s certainty wavered, and Ren shrugged, unable to find the words.

“Hey, no worries, Ren. Ann’s never liked nicknames, either. Said they make it harder to be herself when someone else is tellin’ her who she is, or somethin’.” Ryuji’s smile was soft and easy, similar to how he looked at Ann when she wasn’t paying attention.

It helped Ren feel more at ease, and he smiled back.

We discover our values, and decide to act in line with them through the Lovers arcana, but it is through channeling the energy and momentum of the Chariot that we are able to take action. The Chariot is known for it’s show of willpower, determination, and strength.

“So, about Nijima-senpai.”

“Hmm?” Ren paused outside of Leblanc, turning his attention fully back to the conversation he and Ryuji were having on the phone, a silence filling the space between them after the update about the track team.

“I think she’s gonna be good from now on. It’ll take a little bit for her to adjust, but I just have this feelin’ about it, yanno? Like… she’s starting to figure out where her place is, but she didn’t know how to do it before.”

Ren considered it quietly for a moment, feeling the hum of a fledgling bond with Makoto and the serenity of Isis sleeping within his soul. He compared it to the certainty of his bond with Ryuji, the growing trust he had with the struggling Yusuke and the warmth of the bond with an Ann who had found her own path forward. He traced his bonds until he found the tether of a connection with Chihaya, how weak and uncertain it was before the connection had truly been made.

“She apologized to me, and I think this time she means it,” he said slowly. “But it’s going to take more than just an apology.”

“Think she’s gonna work for it?”

The bond was still dull between them, but he felt Makoto’s renewed determination buzzing in it when he thought of her.

“Yeah. I think she will. So, we’ll be fine.”

Ryuji’s grin could be heard through the phone. “Glad to hear it, dude! My ma’s callin’ me so I’m gonna see what she needs, ‘kay? Keep on bonkin’! Later.”

The line went dead between them and Ren shook his head, grinning as he entered the cafe. There was something holding Sojiro back from deepening their bond, but Ren thought his company might be appreciated anyway. Maybe he’d stay in, tonight, and they could make coffee together or he’d clean up the cafe a bit. 

Before he pulled on his apron or had fully decided on what he was going to do, he sent off a quick message to Akechi. Just in case.

Subject: **Plans for tonight?**  
Ren: _Was thinking about working on a new batch of coffee and curry tonight. I know you’re busy, but feel free to bring your work to Leblanc. I’ll keep a booth open for you while I’m working tonight, just in case._  
Akechi: _Actually, if you have time, could you meet me in Kichijoji?_  
Akechi: _Ah, my apologies. You just said you would be working. Maybe another time._  
Akechi: _I appreciate all of your messages from today, by the way. It really helped lift my mood. I do apologize for having worried you, Ren._

Ren grinned, looking up from his phone. He didn’t even need to open his mouth to tell Sojiro his plans had changed — the man was already chuckling and waving him off.

“You’ve had such a worried look on your face the past couple of days,” he said, “go on, get out of here. Lock up when you get back, and don’t cause any trouble. Be a kid for a little bit.”

Ren met up with Akechi outside of Penguin Sniper, surprising the detective again, and they ended up going to the arcade. Afterward, they found themselves walking around Kichijoji together and chatting about various things — Akechi answered some of Ren’s questions that he’d sent throughout the day, or responded to some of his messages that had struck him.

“Has everything worked itself out, Ren?” Akechi asked him. “From what you were messaging about before, with Nijima-san?”

Ren considered the question quietly for a few minutes before he ultimately shrugged. “Too early to tell, really. A lot of things have happened since we talked about it.”

Akechi made a curious sound, inviting him to speak more about it. “I’m willing to listen, if you’d like. Sometimes it can be valuable to speak your thoughts aloud when you’re working through a problem. You taught me that.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes before Ren decided to confide in him a little. He tipped his head to the side, “We should find somewhere to sit down, then.”

By the time they’d found a somewhat secluded place to sit, Ren had thought about how much detail he wanted to go into, and had decided what he was comfortable sharing. He sat slouched at the table, fiddling with his hair and refusing to meet Akechi’s eyes. 

The images replayed in his head as if on loop: Akechi, gun in hand, focused and serious while expertly hitting the targets. No smile on his face while he said “ _I’ll need as much practice as I can get if I’m going to take you out._ ” 

Choosing to trust Akechi was a risky decision, but Ren was willing to make that choice again and again, even arguing with Morgana about the danger of associating with the detective and other Metaverse user. What Morgana didn’t understand — and likely _couldn’t_ understand — was that Akechi allowed Ren to exist only as _Ren_ in times like these, never asking him to be something that he was not. That alone made it worth the risk.

But finding the words was difficult with that image of Akechi so fresh in his mind.

“Shall I bring us some drinks?”

Ren shrugged in a way that Akechi was learning to mean “I don’t care” and “probably not,” so Akechi didn’t go anywhere, instead just sitting patiently and waiting for Ren to speak. It was a comfortable silence.

When Ren started speaking, he did it slowly and he spoke like he was pulling each individual word from within him. Slow, stilted sentences until he was speaking more regularly again. Finding the comfort in _this_ Akechi, trusting in memories of a message promising to keep his secrets, Ren was able to confide in him, putting words to the emotions he tried to pretend didn’t exist.

Akechi listened quietly, interjecting when Ren paused with a knowing look on his face.

“What about it has been really bothering you, Ren?”

“I don’t know.”

“Liar,” Akechi’s voice was fond, and his reply instant.

It made Ren smirk. “Maybe.”

They were both liars in this relationship, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended this to be longer, and Ren was going to confide in Akechi on camera (for reasons associated with tarot-Justice rather than Persona-Confidant-Justice it _has_ to be Akechi) about what's going on with Makoto but every time I sat down to write something of substance I wanted to delete the entire chapter and start over. Since I don't _actually_ want to do that, I chose to post a short chapter.
> 
> Also, I realized that I was cutting it really close to in-game final exams (did I forget about skipping a few days in an earlier chapter? you betcha) so their Mementos trip happens after finals. I also realized that Ren has **a lot** more going on inside him emotionally with Makoto's storyline than I had expected (or intended) and while the original miscommunication and understanding is cleared up, real humans have complex feelings and he's going to need some time to work through it. 
> 
> Regarding the Makoto storyline, I realized that there was _a lot_ happening in the past few chapters, and that there are many things that need to be read very carefully or they can get missed or misconstrued. I'm torn between going back and rewriting it to be clearer and... leaving it just as it is because a) I like it the way it is and b) I want you, the reader, to follow along and figure things out as we go on this journey together. If you're someone who wants to go back and reread the chapters, especially the sections written in Makoto's perspective, I'd encourage you to remember that we were seeing with her eyes and her biases and shift out of her narrative a little. If not, then I hope you keep reading. I'm like 90% certain that this means our Priestess Confidant storyline is going to be mostly, if not completely, different than in the game. Sorry, Eiko, Makoto can work through your storyline on her own time.
> 
> ALSO CAN WE GIVE RYUJI SOME APPRECIATION??? He's at rank 9/10 now (though by this point in the game I always have him completely maxed) so I'm not going to be going through his Confidant but he is absolutely going to be showing up for other people and it seems like he's showing up more frequently.
> 
> I'm attempting to plan for what happens later on in the story, but ultimately I'm still taking it chapter by chapter for now. Please feel free to speculate in the comments, ask questions, or suggest things that you'd like to see (whether they already exist in the fic or if they're things you'd like to see added) because I do truly enjoy hearing from you. 
> 
> Okay, rambling over. Also sorry-not-sorry that my replies to comments are long. I'm very excited and I have a lot to say, and I'm a people-pleaser so I don't want to tease you and say "wait for the next chapter" or "reread chapter x to find the answer" when I can just... connect with you and tell you. Your comments help me figure out some things in the story, more than just being a hit of validation... I've always believed that storytelling is a collaborative effort and I'm really glad to have you along as a collaborator :)


	11. Learn To Bend, Before You  Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do we like monster chapters around here? I hope so. This chapter is a BEAST, and I'm pretty proud of it as well as frustrated by it. So, please enjoy! More notes at the end of the chapter!
> 
> As always, please read carefully! There's a lot going on between the lines in every chapter, and I'm starting to follow through on some things that were hinted about earlier.

**Chapter 11** : _Learn To Bend, Before You Break_

It had taken her longer than expected to finally visit Maruki-sensei, but at long last Makoto was sitting in the nurse’s office, speaking with the man. Though she had initially been very uncomfortable, he was quick to put her at ease and she found herself confiding in him more and more easily. He was quick to praise her, and quick to challenge her arguments that she was not as good as she seemed, but he did it in such a way that it seemed to be entirely genuine.

“Getting help isn’t a bad thing at all. In fact, it’s wonderful that you have a support system, Makoto-san.”

Makoto rubbed her arms, looking away from Maruki-sensei. “Indeed,” she said. “Especially lately. I feel like… I can’t do anything right by myself nowadays.” A wave of discomfort rose within her. When she tried to tackle problems by herself, lately it seemed to be getting her into more and more trouble. First, the Phantom Thieves, then Kaneshiro, now her relationship with Ren… She felt lost in this new world.

“Oh? Did something go wrong for you recently, Makoto-san?”

She winced. “Yes… but it’s nothing major.” She sighed. It was a lie, and she amended, “Or rather, I’ve come to understand, all too well, that it’s a bad idea taking on more of a burden than one should. I am now bearing the burden of my actions having consequences, and finding some of the consequences to be more… severe than others. While it doesn’t seem like it should be such a big deal, it certainly is taking more adjustment than I had expected.”

Maruki-sensei smiled wryly and shook his head. “You really do seem like someone with a mature sense of responsibility.” He frowned and continued speaking in a gentler voice, “That may be why people around you — especially the adults who should be protecting you— rely on you so much, Makoto-san.”

Makoto’s brows drew together. “Adults… who should be protecting me?” She tilted her head to the side, considering this. It did make sense, though. Her sister had stepped up to take care of her after the passing of their father, yet she clearly had not been ready to step into a parental role herself. If it had been the adults’ job to protect and guide… yes, perhaps that was why Sae seemed to be so strained all the time. 

Though she was older, Sae was still young when their father had died. Sometimes Makoto forgot that.

“Regardless of how reliable you are, and how mature you seem, you are still a _child_ , Makoto-san. It is our duty as adults to care for and protect you — that is why the parents typically work so hard to provide for their children.”

“Had I been clever enough to understand that earlier, perhaps things may have gone a bit differently for me.”

“You think so?” He asked, then he considered her file on his clipboard. “Oh, you live alone with your older sister. I see. Is that who you are referring to now?” He looked back up at her and saw her nod. “Pardon my saying so, Makoto-san, but it seems like you have been though a lot. Especially lately. It did not escape my notice that you were recently trying to help your fellow students with their troubles — far beyond the scope that the student council president will typically go, at that. And, ah — it says here that Principal Kobayakawa had asked you to lead a school-wide investigation into the Phantom Thieves as well. That certainly is a lot of pressure, especially for a third year.”

“Honestly? It only felt like the norm to me. Thinking on it now, perhaps our lack of adult guardians has been hard on my sister… even now. And I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard for me, too.” She closed her eyes, feeling the old pain rising up.

If, at least, her father was still there… how different their lives would be.

Instead of conversations focusing on school, studies, college, and her future, perhaps she and Sae would have been able to connect with one another on a deeper level.

Sisters rather than over-worked caretaker and worthless burdensome child.

Maruki-sensei could tell this was a difficult topic for her and spoke gently. “Do you remember them, still? Your parents?”

“Yes.” She closed her eyes, trying to imagine them. “Admittedly, not much about my mother. But my father… without a doubt.” She sighed, opening her eyes again. The picture of her mother had been unclear, but her father’s face had appeared in her mind as clearly as if she had seen him yesterday. “Thinking on it now, it may be that I have grown to be a bit uptight because of that.” She sighed again. “What I thought to be an admirable quality is now starting to cause problems in my life.”

“Oh?”

She nodded and held herself a little more tightly, feeling the prick of her dull fingernails against the skin of her arms. “My father… was a great man, and I thought very highly of him. My sister, as well. But he was always somewhat strict. Rigid, perhaps?” She smiled. “I looked up to him… though I was lonely because of how much time he spent at work, watching him tirelessly pursue case after case was nothing short of incredible. I meant to emulate him in that way, and I’m sure my sister did as well.”

“It sounds like it is still very painful for you, Makoto-san. The loss of your parents, I mean.”

“Yes. The loss of my father has hit my sister and I especially hard.” She looked up at Maruki-sensei and saw only his kind, open face. “Our mother had passed away many years before, so after my father… it was just my sister and I. And all the responsibility and pressure of being a parent fell on my sister…but I know that she had never intended to become a parent so young. So, I wanted to lighten the burden on her as much as I possibly could. To her, I know I am a burden. Perhaps this was why I tried so hard to help the students lately, only to fail.”

Maruki-sensei made an inquisitive sound, and Makoto continued.

“My father… when he died, he was investigating a particularly notorious gang. Something of a specialty for him. He died instantly, hit by an errant truck in the course of his investigation.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “What we first thought to be an unrelated accident was suspected to be an assassination by a gang member.”

“I am very sorry to hear that, Makoto-san. A violent death like that…” Maruki-sensei shook his head. “It certainly is hard on the family left behind.”

“I wanted to continue his work, but there was nothing that I could do by myself. If not related to the gang that had ultimately killed him, then at least in some other way. So when Principal Kobayakawa asked me to look into the Phantom Thieves… I threw myself into it. And, of course, anything that came up while I was working on the student council, I devoted myself to. I thought perhaps my father and sister would approve of me using this position to truly help those who were in need, and at the time… it was my classmates who needed help the most.”

“It sounds like it was quite painful for you, Makoto-san. I can tell that you loved and respected your father dearly.”

“I did, yes. And, in fact, that was why my sister became a prosecutor. She, like my father, couldn’t stand by and watch as evil prevailed over justice…”

“Much like yourself, Makoto-san.”

She nodded. “Perhaps. But in the end, what could I do by myself? Who would expect a third year to win against someone like that Kaneshiro, anyway?” She laughed bitterly. “It seems we have the Phantom Thieves to thank again — first Kamoshida, then Kaneshiro. They were situations that I was meant to deal with, only for them to step in and save me.”

“You did your best, Makoto-san, and that is all anyone could truly ask of you,” Maruki-sensei spoke softly.

Makoto shrugged, and they sat quietly together for a little longer. Makoto reached for her apple juice and quietly sipped it, her eyes far away.

Suspecting that she was at her limit talking about her parents, Maruki-sensei asked:

“And are you doing okay now? Is your support system adequate?”

Makoto bit her lip, leaning forward to set her cup on the table again. “It… it’s not as if I have a team of employees or anything,” she hedged. “I do have people that I’m able to rely upon.”

“You seem hesitant, Makoto-san. Has something happened with that group recently that is causing you some stress?”

“I’d never think of them as _replacements_ for my father or for my sister— no one could replace either of them. What I’ve lost won’t ever come back.” She nodded firmly, meeting Maruki-sensei’s eyes. “I just need to keep my chin up and push towards my future.”

“That seems like a rehearsed statement, Makoto-san.” Maruki-sensei’s voice was quiet but firm.

Makoto averted her eyes. “It… is what my sister advises me to do, when I come to her for things like this.”

“Hmm. She does seem like a wise woman, saying things like that. However, if you don’t actually feel the truth in it, does it really help you to repeat those words?”

“I— I am trying, Maruki-sensei, but I cannot help but feel like a failure that it does not bring _me_ the same comfort as it seems to bring her.” Her voice was quiet.

Maruki-sensei nodded. “That makes quite a bit of sense to me, Makoto-san and candidly speaking, I don’t think you are a failure at all. Your sister is a very different person than you are — it would seem that your requirements would be different as well. If you don’t mind, I would like to circle back around to something you mentioned earlier.” Makoto nodded and he continued. “You mentioned that a certain quality of yours has been leading to some problems in your life. Would you care to talk it out a little bit? I certainly have the time right now. Perhaps discussing it with someone who is unrelated to the situation will help.”

The smile that Makoto gave him was unlike any expression she had shown him thus far. Small. Brittle. Her eyes were moist and her chin seemed to tremble when she held the expression. She hadn’t even shown this expression when she was confiding in him about her father, or her sister.

She was so, so vulnerable in that moment. Maruki-sensei’s heart ached for her. He wanted to help her however he could.

“There… is something, yes.”

Maruki-sensei kept silent, and it was that more than anything that prompted Makoto to speak.

In halting, stammering words Makoto laid out her relationship with Ren thus far, though she did not use his name. The story eventually came out, though Makoto kept most of the damaging, specific details to herself and avoided the topic of the Metaverse entirely.

_“I used damaging information against him to make him meet me the first time, knowing that it would cause him pain, and threatened to release the information in order to convince him into doing what I wanted him to do.”_

_“I tried to push him into doing something that he said he didn’t want to multiple times because I thought that I was right. When he told me off for it, I pushed harder instead of respecting his boundaries.”_

_“Despite my friend telling me that I was wrong, I refused to see his position and believed in my superiority above all. His close friends tried to help me and told me I was overstepping, but I didn’t listen to them.”_

“I think I broke what could have become a fantastic friendship with him, Maruki-sensei,” she said quietly, her voice thick with emotion and brushing tears away from her eyes. “I know that it’s selfish of me to want to salvage this relationship.”

“So, you _do_ still want to be friends with him, Makoto-san?”

“I do,” she said softly. “I really, really do. And I’m afraid that I may have lost my chance.”

He hummed, tapping his finger against his lip while he thought. “You may have damaged your relationship, but I don’t think it’s unsalvageable. You are still young. You can change. More than that, I believe if you meet your friend and truly apologize and explain yourself — have an actual conversation about it — you may find that your connection grows stronger.”

“That seems impossible.”

“Ah, but it’s not impossible, Makoto-san. It is, however, very difficult. Especially when being vulnerable is something you are unused to. Tell me: have you let yourself be vulnerable with this friend and truly expressed to them that your actions were your way of trying to become closer to them?”

“I… No, Maruki-sensei. I thought that it would be clear once I apologized.”

“Apologies are very different for everyone, Makoto-san. For some, it is enough that you request forgiveness, or express regret. In many cases, it is a requirement that you accept responsibility for your actions. For others, they require restitution or a show of genuine repentance — more than promising not to do it again, your friend may need to see proof that you have truly changed to believe you and accept your apology. It is possible that this is a situation that only time may heal.”

Makoto appeared to be deep in thought, mulling over his words.

“Humans are not mind-readers, Makoto-san, no matter how much we wish to be.” He smiled softly at her. “You realized that you were out of line and you have apologized to your friend. Now, you need to take care that you do not repeat the actions that have caused damage to the relationship in the first place. Give it time.”

“What if I don’t have enough time?”

He frowned. “You cannot rush the healing process, Makoto-san. Let me try and express it more simply, if you will permit me: for some people, they would believe that a person who truly cared for us could not have done anything that would hurt us. Therefore, if we have done something that hurts a precious person we must take the responsibility on ourselves to make sure that they know they are loved. Does that sound like a situation that may apply with your friend?”

“Yes, Maruki-sensei. That… sounds about right.” She took a deep breath and exhaled it, feeling some of her anxiety disappearing with the breath. “In this case, you suggest that I simply… keep trying, correct?”

Maruki-sensei’s smile was soft. “If they are truly important to you, Makoto-san, then yes. If this is a person that you care for — and they, in turn, cared for you — what kind of message would your friend receive if you gave up now?”

“They… may believe that I do not value them, wouldn’t they?” Makoto whispered. “Thank you, Maruki-sensei. I think— I think I will take your advice.”

The bell rang, and it startled Maruki-sensei so badly that he jumped. “Ah, I apologize. I will not keep you any longer today. Please feel free to come back in the future if you’d like to discuss anything further.”

Makoto stood up and bowed to him. “Thank you very much, Maruki-sensei. I… I may come back again. But for now, I do intend to take your advice and talk with my friend. I fear that I may have been too hasty in my judgments, and I intend to make it up to them. I do not intend to give up on this precious relationship.”

Maruki-sensei’s smile was kind. “I hope that you found our time to be useful, Makoto-san, and that everything goes well with your friend.” He waved at her. “Take care going home today! Oh, and good luck on your exams.”

“Ren,” Morgana whined, “You should stay home today and study for your finals! They start tomorrow, you know!”

“I’m not worried,” Ren said to the cat, rolling his eyes. “You know how much I’ve already studied. You’ve quizzed me about a million times. Some last minute cramming isn’t going to make much of a difference, and might actually make me perform worse on the test tomorrow.” He thought of the impromptu lesson about short and long-term memory and nodded to himself. “Yup, cramming would definitely hurt my performance.” Ren reached for his white button up shirt, pulling it over his shoulders as he spoke, facing away from Morgana.

“But—”

“Morgana, I know you care, but I’m not Ryuji.” Ren felt his temper flaring, and some of the irritation slipped through. He exhaled deeply, forcing himself to speak slowly and calmly. “I don’t need you to force me to study, and I don’t need you to babysit me. My exams are going to go fine. I promise they will. They would go fine even without you whispering to me from inside my desk. Have some faith in me, okay?” 

“You— Ahh! Fine! I won’t help you anymore!” Morgana hissed, his fur standing up and his tail flicking.

“Morgana?” Ren turned to see that his friend was more upset at the comment than expected. He felt a little bad about his temper flaring. “I appreciate your help. You know I do. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings—”

“My _feelings_ aren’t _hurt_!” he spat.

“Okay, I haven’t hurt your feelings. But it’s—” Ren struggled to find the words, knowing that if he didn’t clear this up with Morgana it would only get worse in the future. Thoughts of his friend and partner leaving him made his chest ache. “If _you_ don’t believe I can do it, out of everybody, and you spend the most time with me, how can I be confident in myself? I need you to believe in me, Morgana. Trust me.” A thought crossed his mind and made Ren smirk, “The fate of the Thieves depends on your trust in me,” he said seriously.

“Y-you mean it?” Morgana’s fur settled and Ren kneeled down in front of his friend.

“I absolutely mean it.”

“You rely on me that much?”

Ren nodded. “I do. And if you doubt that I can handle something so mundane as an exam, how am I going to believe you when you say that I can defeat our next target? Or a Shadow that we’ve never seen before? You’re my rock, Morgana.”

With each word, Morgana stood a little taller, puffed his fur up a little more. “I guess I _am_ pretty important.”

“Of course you are. I couldn’t do this without you, Morgana. You’re irreplaceable. Indispensable.” Ren could hear Morgana start to purr as he preened and started to groom his paw. “And you are entirely too responsible for a _normal high school boy_ like me. You are a good friend, and I don’t know where I would be without you.”

“Well, of course! I _am_ The Great Phantom Thief Morgana, after all!”

“Yes, you are. So trust me when I say that I learned from the best. Your protege is going to be just fine.” He reached out his hand and pet Morgana on the head, making sure to scratch him behind the ear and under his chin the way he liked.

Once Morgana was thoroughly lost to the pleasure of the pets, Ren stood up and reached for his backpack, walking quickly towards the stairs. “For now, I’m going out! I’m not sure if I will be back by dinner time today, but I will definitely be back early enough to go to sleep!”

“Wha—Ren!”

“Bye, Morgana!”

With that, Ren made his escape and left Leblanc.

It was the first day of exams. Morgana had kept his word, not saying anything about the exams or asking any questions. He was settled in Ren’s desk, and flicking his tail anxiously. Finally, he had to speak.

“Ren, are things okay?”

Ren moved his left hand so he could pet Morgana in the desk, quietly answering another question on his exams. It was almost too easy, and he was able to finish more quickly than usual without reading the question out loud to Morgana.

“I didn’t realize how much I relied on talking to you during the day until now. I think I’m doing it for me, not because I think you’re not good enough. It can get kind of lonely in here. I’m sorry, Ren.”

As a reward, Ren scratched Morgana under the chin. “I’ve seen all these questions before. I think I’ll get a perfect score.”

Morgana purred.

For the rest of the exam period, Ren read the questions out loud to Morgana the way they normally did, and answered them on his own. Finishing a little more slowly was a small price to pay to make sure that his friend felt cared for.

In the evening, Morgana was able to convince him not to meet with anyone. Instead, they crafted infiltration tools — and Ren was getting much better at making lockpicks — and worked on perfecting Boss’ curry recipe.

“Can I at least meet with Maruki-sensei?” Ren asked Morgana on Friday once they were done with exams.

“Do you still feel like we just defeated a Palace Ruler?” Morgana shot back.

Ren scowled, hiking his bag higher on his shoulder and hearing Morgana yelp. “Yes.”

“Then we’re skipping for today. You can see him on Monday, before fireworks. Remember our deal?”

They had renegotiated the terms of their cohabitation after their latest big argument. They were arguing more and more about how Ren spent his time after school, and it had started to impact their friendship. Realizing how often they were snapping at each other, Ren had sat down with Morgana right before bed the night before finals began and they had talked about it. Morgana hadn’t realized how much Ren was chafing under the restraints, and Ren hadn’t realized that Morgana was so concerned about his health suffering.

Now, Ren had more control over his time, but if his exhaustion was anywhere near post-Metaverse levels Morgana had permission to step in and overrule Ren’s judgment. It was a new arrangement, but it already seemed to be serving them well.

“He said he’d meet you outside of school, right? Do that over the summer, too.” Morgana was quiet for long enough that Ren thought he was done talking. “I… am glad that talking to him is helping you, Ren. You seem more solid now. Even though you’re more Joker than Ren sometimes.”

Morgana and Jose had both made that comment to him: sometimes he— or at least his existence, his being, his person-hood, whatever they wanted to call it at the time — seemed to flicker. He had wondered, for a moment, if it was something to do with being a Wild Card, but Igor had not answered his question when he asked, and neither Morgana nor Jose had been able to explain what they’d meant by it. He would think about it later.

For now, he was going to go home and take a nice long soak at the bath house and then go to bed early. He wouldn’t even try to read or make tools. Morgana would certainly be pleased.

After the last of the exams ended, Ren left his classroom and stretched his arms high above his head, breathing deeply. That first lungful of post-exam air was always the best. He heard a couple of girls talking just around the corner and decided to listen, curious what they were saying.

“Do you think they’re talking about exams?” Morgana asked. “It might help with studying later if you listen to what they say now.”

Obediently, Ren listened to them talk about the exams, feeling bored. That is, until a familiar name came up in their conversation. 

“…Yoshizawa-san. I heard the school moved her exam period. Must be nice getting perks like that…”

_They moved her exam period? Oh, probably because of the meet. I should ask her how that went next time I see her…_

He didn’t want to listen to some random girls talking badly about Yoshizawa-san, especially not because she seemed to be so kind and didn’t deserve it, so he was going to leave until he noticed Maruki-sensei approaching. Maruki-sensei was waving to him before Ren could leave, pretending he hadn’t seen the doctor.

“Hey there, Ren! Congrats on surviving finals. Today was the last day, right?”

Ren nodded. “I aced them, Maruki-sensei. Definitely aced them!” Ren pumped his fist.

Maruki-sensei chuckled. “Glad to hear it! Let me know what your scores were once you get them back and we can celebrate a little, okay? Maybe I’ll get the expensive snacks for the occasion…”

“Hey, ask him if he would treat us to sushi instead!” Morgana suggested eagerly.

“Or we could get sushi?”

Maruki-sensei blinked and laughed again. “Or sushi. Conveyor belt only, though. And only if you get number one, okay?”

Ren grinned and heard Morgana’s cheering in his bag. “Deal.”

Maruki-sensei sobered. “Say, Ren. Would you happen to have some free time right now? There’s something I’d like to discuss. I promise it’ll just take a moment.”

“Sure.”

Maruki-sensei smiled. “Thanks! I know you’re exhausted, so I’ll try to make this quick.”

The two of them walked to the nurse’s office, chatting about the weather and getting snacks until both of them were comfortably settled around the low table, taking the positions that they had grown used to after months of meeting for sessions as well as research assistance.

“As I’d mentioned, there’s something I’d like your opinion on.”

Ren smirked. “Money troubles?” he joked.

For a teenager who had 4 legal part-time jobs, 2 volunteer clinical research placements, and a political assistant position — not to mention the odd jobs he did outside of the metaverse, the Phantom Thief business, and the various Mementos requests and Confidant-related tasks — he _certainly_ had a fair amount of experience with money.

Maruki-sensei frowned. “There’s a subject where I could _definitely_ use some input, but that’s not what I’d like to talk to you about at the moment. Though… I do wish you would lighten your own load, Ren. I worry about you overworking yourself. I know we talk about this a lot.”

Ren softened his features into a smile. “Thanks, Maruki-sensei. I appreciate the worry. But I’m doing fine. Oh! You’ll be glad to know that I _did_ actually talk about my stress levels with someone I’m close with, and they’re going to watch out for me pushing myself too far. No more raccoon eyes, promise.”

Morgana might kill him if he ever got that bad again.

Maruki-sensei smiled and clapped his hands. “Well done, Ren! I’m very proud of you. I know that asking for help is difficult for you, but this is one area that we’ve acknowledged you do not have the… best judgment, shall we say.”

Maruki-sensei had threatened to ‘kill him with kindness’ if he didn’t start taking care of himself better. Something about _in loco parentis_. Something about the image of being tucked into bed and forced to sleep until he was well-rested was thousands of times scarier than the threat of Morgana’s claws digging into him.

“Well, anyway. I’ve had something on my mind lately, and I want to hear your take on it.”

Settling a little more comfortably in his chair, Ren nodded.

“Okay. Here goes. Oh— and this is all hypothetical, mind you. For confidentiality reasons, I cannot discuss or disclose any information about my clients. Even with you. Understood?”

Ren thought quickly, following the implied message, and nodded. _I’m having a difficult time moving forward with a client and need an outsider’s opinion._ It was a little dangerous, but Ren felt the trust Maruki-sensei had in him and felt a surge of pride. 

“Even as your assistant, Maruki-sensei?”

“As my assistant, discussing such things with you is not _exactly_ outside of the realm of possibility. But I want you to treat this all as hypothetical and approach it as if it were an academic question rather than related to any potential patients. Okay?”

“I understand, Maruki-sensei. You can rely on me.”

Maruki-sensei smiled. “Yes. I am learning that.” He sighed. “I do wish that you young people could sit back and enjoy life without us adults placing our burdens on your shoulders, though.” 

“Hmm?”

“It’s nothing too serious, Ren. Recently I have encountered many young people who have grown used to bearing the burden of adulthood, is all.”

Ren nodded, shrugging as he spoke. “It’s been happening for so long, it’s the norm. I’m certainly used to it.”

Though he chuckled, there was no joy on Maruki-sensei’s face. Only a deep sadness. “That’s the same thing that they had said, too. Maybe one day, we adults will be able to take that burden from your shoulders. Perhaps with my studies I can lessen the—”

“Maruki-sensei, focus.”

Maruki-sensei blushed. “Right. Sorry about my tangent. What was I—”

“Your hypothetical, very-not-patient-related problem, sensei?” Ren was smirking.

Something had changed between them that made Ren feel comfortable enough to tease Maruki-sensei. Part of him wondered if it was spillover from the Nigi-Mitama he had dismissed from his active roster of battle-ready Personas but still felt sleeping within his soul, or if it was the hum of their strong Bond stretching between him.

It felt… safe.

“Okay. So, imagine that there’s someone for whom you have high expectations. They’re trying their _absolute hardest_ to meet those expectations.”

That was incredibly easy to fill in with the face of a possible patient — Ren imagined Yoshizawa-san’s earnest, determined face. Then, he imagined the weight placed on Makoto-san’s thin shoulders, how she had roared when she tore off the mask of the honor student. Akechi’s brittle public persona, the way he clung to it even in private, as if a single slip would make him shatter beyond repair.

“Now, this person receives an awful lot of special treatment from people so they can perform to the best of their abilities. So, what do you think those people will do if the expectations leveled on this person aren’t met?”

Ren didn’t even have to think about it, remembering the way that his own friends had turned on Makoto-san before her awakening, unwilling to believe that she was trying her hardest because the problem hadn’t been solved to their standards. Remembering some of the late night messages from Akechi, how he so rarely said anything negative about his fan-base but always seemed to be so exhausted, how he had confessed to a fear of not being camera-ready at all times. 

The commentary from the girls outside of his classroom about Yoshizawa-san.

“They’ll be disappointed, and they’ll definitely turn on that person…” he said quietly.

Maruki-sensei nodded, his face solemn. “When you work as a counselor, you always think, _I have to help this person so their heart doesn’t break_ but… that’s easier said than done.”

Something about the way Maruki-sensei spoke made Ren pause. Something about the phrasing he used felt odd to Ren. Like it was slightly off, or not quite what he would expect Maruki-sensei to say. But it wasn’t serious enough to focus on, not right now with Maruki-sensei asking him for help, and he returned his attention to what Maruki-sensei was talking about.

“This world really is a callous one. No matter how much positivity or dedication a person has… just a _bit_ of influence from their peers can easily mess with their heads. Every time I’m confronted with such a situation, I can’t help but grasp the _limitations_ of therapy as a profession.”

There it was again — the frustration that Maruki-sensei so rarely showed or admitted to. It made something twist inside of Ren, and he felt uneasy. He wanted to reassure Maruki-sensei that things would be okay, and that he didn’t need to try to be something he wasn’t.

“You just have to keep trying, Maruki-sensei.” He thought a little bit about how his different Confidantes responded differently to him based on the way he presented himself. Tried to put what he did into words. “Maybe approach it from a different perspective, or try a new angle. Maybe other people will say it’s not the job for you, but I believe you can help people, Maruki-sensei. _Please_ don’t quit.”

“Oh! Well. Thank you, Ren.” He smiled. “I’m not sick of this job or anything like that — don’t worry. I’m not ready to give up yet.” Maruki-sensei’s smile shifted slightly, narrowing. “There you go again, trying to take my worries onto your own shoulders and reassuring me.”

Ren shrugged. He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry, and he couldn’t bring himself to stop. “What _did_ you mean, then, Maruki-sensei? If you weren’t talking about quitting.”

He thought for a moment, and Ren gave him the time to arrange his words. “I suppose… What I meant to say was, if we want to _truly_ help people who are stuck in that kind of predicament, we need an absolutely fundamental solution.”

Ren nodded. “Like what?” he asked, genuinely curious. 

“Hmm, nothing really comes to mind at the moment.” He rubbed his chin, still deep in thought.

A little voice spoke from the back of his mind. _Some people would say it sounds like he could be suggesting a change of heart… if he knew what that_ truly _was._ The voice sounded like Akechi, questioning the ethics of the Phantom Thieves on television. Their motive was pure, but could the same be said about their methods?

Ren dismissed the thought immediately. That’s not how the change of heart worked, anyway, and Maruki-sensei was too… pure to consider asking the Phantom Thieves. He valued the hard work that other people put into their own lives to meet their own goals too much. Maruki-sensei must have known that it wasn’t how things worked, so he would never seriously consider a change of heart as the solution.

“This is just a thought, but what if we got the Phantom Thieves to change our hearts?” Maruki-sensei nodded, following the path the thoughts were taking out loud, unaware that those words caused a sinking feeling in Ren’s belly. “Maybe we could have them shift our feelings so we won’t lose to this unfair reality? It _would_ ultimately be for the positive.” The more Maruki-sensei spoke about this idea of his, the worse Ren felt. 

“Is that _really_ a change of heart, though, Maruki-sensei?”

“Good point, you’re right. Sorry, I was just thinking out loud. Wishful thinking, for sure, nothing serious.” He sighed, scratching his chin. His eyes caught sight of the clock and widened. “Oh, but look at the time. I should be getting back to work. Our conversation has been very enlightening, Ren. Thank you. And enjoy your vacation!”

 _Wishful thinking_ , Ren repeated to himself, desperately. _That’s all it was._

The frustration from a man who was trying his absolute hardest to meet the expectations placed on him from his patients. Ren let that thought sink in, looking at Maruki-sensei like he was one of them. Impossible expectations placed on his shoulders, but still trying his best to meet them.

Wasn’t _he_ allowed to hope a little, too? And, weren’t the Phantom Thieves supposed to be a beacon of hope for those who felt powerless? In this moment, with this problem, wasn’t Maruki-sensei feeling a little of that same powerlessness that kept Akechi always on guard, Yoshizawa-san pushing forward, Makoto-san up all night studying? Working so hard to fulfill the expectations placed upon them?

Ren paused at the door of the nurse’s office and turned back to Maruki-sensei. For a man who cared about his patients so much, couldn’t he find the compassion to forgive a moment of weakness?

He didn’t need Saki-Mitama or Nigi-Mitama in his heart to tell him that he would forgive it, extend the same compassionate hand to Maruki-sensei that he had been extending to Ren all this time. He didn’t need to feel the hum of their Bond within him, the tendrils wrapping around him like multiple arms pulling him into a hug, brushing away any doubts within him the same way he had hoped for someone to brush away his tears.

For this man, Ren could forgive just about anything.

“Maruki-sensei?” Ren called, “One last thing before I go.”

“Sure, Ren, what is it?”

“Is it okay if we meet up over vacation? Not to go over research or anything, but… I do think that our sessions have been very helpful, and I’d like to continue them. Like you were talking about before. Outside of school.”

Maruki-sensei’s smile was so, so soft. “Of course, Ren. Would you like to meet up on Monday?” Ren nodded. “Then, I’ll send you the details for our appointment. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to pop in like you do at school over summer break.”

Ren expected to feel the overwhelming, mind-numbing blankness that came with his anxiety. When all he felt was relief, he smiled widely. “I think I can handle an appointment, sensei.”

Maruki-sensei met his grin. “Well, then. You surely have grown so much in such a short amount of time. I truly am proud of you, Amamiya Ren. Excellent work.”

Ren couldn’t help but to stand up straighter, pride rushing through him. Maruki-sensei’s praise felt warm and soothed an ache that he had been trying to pretend didn’t exist for so long.

Ren was sitting on his bed, chatting with Morgana while they prepared to go to sleep when his phone rang.

“Hey, it’s me—Sorry for callin’ so late. I wanted to ask you about that summer festival. You remember, the one I told you about?” Ryuji sounded genuinely apologetic.

“…I think so,” Ren yawned. “Sorry. Was going to sleep. Can it wait until tomorrow?”

“I feel you, dude. We’re all tired from exams and shit.” Ryuji sighed. “So like… I completely spaced on it until now, but… the festival’s tomorrow.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Sorry, man! See why it couldn’t wait?”

 _Yeah, but I’m still pretty tired,_ Ren thought. _Let me sleep!_

“So, you wanna go?”

Ren thought about the homework he still had to do and desperately wished for just _one day_ that he could have to himself. Thought about how he’d already promised Ryuji time for the festival, and sighed. “Fine, fine.” With any luck, he could send Morgana to Ann overnight during summer break and he could get some time to himself then.

Ryuji let out a whoop. “Let’s make sure we invite Yusuke too! He’s always down to chow.”

Ren cracked a smile. “If you didn’t say that, I was gonna. Yusuke needs to eat more.”

“I hear ya! I’ve been tryin’ to take him out for dinner a couple times a week.” 

Ren laughed. “I’ve been taking him out for dinner, too. Must be different days than you two go out, though, since he never tells me no.” Ren paused a moment before correcting himself, “Well, he always says no at the beginning, but it’s… not a real no? It’s like he thinks that he’s bothering me or something, even though he really _wants_ to go.”

“Right? And get this — at first Ma was kinda worried that someone was takin’ my money, thought maybe I was a victim of that scheme or somethin’ right? But then I told her a little about Yusuke’s situation, right, and now she’s havin’ him come over for dinner some nights too! _And_ ,” Ryuji stressed, sounding incredibly pleased, “Ma started givin’ me a little extra money to make sure we were eatin’ more than just cheap ramen or those Big Bang Burgers. So now I don’t _have_ to get a part time job if I don’t wanna, an’ there’s enough left for any extras that we need for infiltrations!”

“That’s pretty awesome, Ryu-Ryuji. Sorry.” Ren was interrupted with a yawn. “Though if you got a part-time job that would help me out a bunch with preparations.”

“All right, all right,” Ryuji laughed, “I’ll let ya get to sleep, man. You’re startin’ to talk nonsense. See ya tomorrow! G’night! Oh, and g’night Mona-Mona!”

Ren hung up his phone and settled himself in his bed, Morgana hopping up on his chest to cuddle with him. The cat’s blue eyes studied Ren’s face for a few minutes before he spoke up.

“You guys sure do seem to care an awful lot about Yusuke,” Morgana said.

“Hmm? Of course we do. He’s our friend.”

“Friends, huh.”

Something in Morgana’s voice caused him to look seriously at the cat on his chest, who had averted his eyes. His tail was flicking restlessly. What was it that was going on with him? Resentment? Jealously? A lack of human understanding? Whatever it was, Morgana was thinking something that would need some time to work through, and the only thing Ren could do was explain his “humanness” and offer his silent support.

“Yup. Friends.” Ren smiled fondly, patting Morgana briefly. “It’s important to take care of our friends, especially when they can’t take care of themselves.”

Ren stopped talking. He had intended to say more, but something about the words he just spoke had his mind whirling despite his overall exhaustion. He felt his eyes go wide as he recalled the words that Eligor had spoken to him what seemed to be a long, long time ago now. Shortly after meeting Yusuke, hadn’t he had a conversation much like this?

“ _Will you not care for him when he is incapable? Will you abandon him in his time of need when you are able to help?_ ”

Though it had been Eligor who spoke the words originally, it was now Setanta who echoed them, the warrior prince’s words vibrating inside his body, causing an ache in his bones.

“ _If the knight cannot care for themselves, it is the duty of the lord to care for his vassal._ ”

“Lord, huh?” Ren murmured. 

“Hmm?”

“Nothing. Just a thought. Good night, Morgana.”

“’Night Ren.”

Ren couldn’t decide what was the worst thing about the festival: the crowds, the lines, or the overwhelming heat. Festivals in Inaba could get busy, but it was never quite _this_ bad. As much as Ren was coming to love the city, events like this were still overwhelming to the country boy.

Listening to Ryuji babble to the reporter about the certainty of a hot December, and how they were actually lovers of fruits and sweets despite attending a meat festival, he decided that this had to take the cake.

Or the kebab, as it was.

He had _really_ wanted that kebab.

Hell, he would even settle for a steak skewer with cheap meat from Junes at this point.

Instead, he had his shaved ice — though that, too, was quickly lost to gravity.

By the time they made it over to the stadium to check on the construction progress, all three of them were hungry again. Morgana, the lucky one with the body of a cat, never seemed to really eat much to keep his energy up, eating mostly for the enjoyment of it.

“Yusuke,” Ren interjected into the conversation he had only been half-listening to, “why doesn’t Ryuji go with you to get your art supplies? He can help carry them, and you guys can get lunch together while you’re out.”

“That does sound wonderful, and I would like to extend our time together, but the summer festival has drained my coffers. Even if I did grab a bite, all I could order would be water and a hot towel.”

Ryuji and Ren exchanged glances, their conversation from the night before was fresh in both of their minds. Lips tightening for a moment, a determined look on his face, Ryuji walked forward and threw his arm around Yusuke’s shoulders. 

“It’s my treat today! Come on, man. You can tell me all about your summer projects ‘n shit.”

“I— I really can’t impose,” Yusuke objected, his eyes wide. 

“No worries!” Ryuji jostled Yusuke and grinned up at him. “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it. Oh, and hey — maybe we can talk more about those cool moves you were coming up with earlier!”

A familiar sparkle entered Yusuke’s eyes. “Why, that _would_ be wonderful.” Clearly thinking about the upcoming discussion, Yusuke nodded. “Very well, it would be my pleasure to join you for lunch. As long as you truly do not mind treating me again, Ryuji?”

“It would be my pleasure, dude!” Ryuji’s grin expanded, battle won. “Hey, Ren, you wanna come with?”

Ren was about to respond when he noticed Yoshizawa-san approaching the building. He felt a tug on his bond with her, a request for him to check on her, and he realized that she seemed a little less energetic than usual. 

“Nah, you two go ahead without me. I want to stop somewhere on the way back home, and I have a part-time job tonight anyway.”

“If you’re sure, man?” Ren nodded, meeting Ryuji’s serious brown eyes. The air between them crackled and the energy disappeared again when Ryuji smiled. “All right, then. We’ll catch ya later! Oh — the photo!”

“Send it later, Ryuji, it can wait.”

Ryuji nodded, accepting that. “Okay. Later!”

“Goodbye, Ren. Enjoy your afternoon, and do try not to work too hard this evening.”

Ren smiled. “Thanks, Yusuke. Have fun.”

He turned from his friends and started walking towards Yoshizawa-san, chuckling to himself about how Yusuke had never tried to shake Ryuji’s arm off of his shoulders.

“Yoshizawa-san?”

She whirled around to face him and he noticed that her eyes were red and slightly puffy, like she had been crying. “Oh! Hello, senpai. Did you come to see the stadium, too?”

Ren nodded.

“Same here. I… needed to give myself a pep talk.” She seemed less energetic than usual, her eyes downcast.

“A pep talk?” Ren pressed.

“Mhm. Sometimes, when things get me down, I come here. Although, that doesn’t really answer your question, does it?” She laughed quietly. “I know this may get in the way of your plans, but would you be willing to join me for lunch?”

Ren nodded, and they chatted about finals as they made their way from Odaiba to the diner in Shibuya. Ren offered to help her study, as her final exams had been rescheduled.

She really was doing her best, after all.

“Phew! That was delicious!”

Ren was still having trouble believing his eyes that she had eaten all of that food. He was sure that if he ever took her and Yusuke out together, his wallet would be empty no matter how many Shadows he got money out of beforehand — and the owners of the diner would likely ban him from ever stepping foot in the building again.

“You sure packed it away, Yoshizawa-san,” Ren said, still bewildered. He wanted to take her next door and see how she did with the Big Bang Burger challenge. “I’m impressed.”

That was an idea — maybe he’d take Yoshizawa-san and Yusuke out at night and all three of them could attempt the challenge. It would feed them all and save his poor wallet.

“I’m always like this after a meet, senpai.” She also seemed significantly more cheerful now that she had eaten. She looked down at her empty dishes. “In all honesty, I’d like to keep going… but any more will end up harming my performance.”

“Oh?” He couldn’t see how eating more when she was clearly still hungry would hurt her performance, but didn’t push the subject. “Was it worth it? The meet.”

“Simply put? It was a disaster, senpai.” She frowned. “I’ve been feeling like I’m getting back into the natural flow of things thanks to you, senpai. But when the moment of truth arrived, my body still wouldn’t move the way that I wanted it to…” 

“Is it more of a mental thing? I’ve heard of that happening before.”

“I think… that’s a big factor.” She nodded. “Something similar happened to me in middle school — oh, but back then, I had someone by my side that kept me going.”

“Oh? Who was that?”

“I have a younger sister.” Yoshizawa-san looked uncomfortable. “We promised each other that we’d win international gymnastics competitions together. But this spring, she… died, in an accident. I promised her we’d take gold for our routines across the world, but I can’t stop worrying about my lack of improvement lately.”

An accident earlier in the spring, where the victim was a teenage girl? Though there had been many accidents around the time he arrived, that one specifically stood out to him. It was at the corner of his memory, but it was just out of reach. He knew if he thought about it enough, he would remember, but Yoshizawa-san was still speaking.

“I’ve really been throwing myself into practice, but I wonder if even that won’t be enough…”

“Is this really your limit, Yoshizawa-san?” Ren asked her softly. “You really are doing your best, I can tell. It’s not over yet. And I’m cheering for you.”

“Senpai?” Yoshizawa’s dark eyes were wide. With such a simple statement, he saw her transform in front of his eyes, sitting taller and her eyes brightening, a smile taking over her face. “You’re right. It’s just getting started! You just keep on rescuing me, don’t you?”

Ren shook his head, confused, but she didn’t explain what she meant by that.

“Okay— no more brooding. There are still more meets left this year. I’m going to start from scratch and train as hard as I can.” She smiled at him. “Thank you so much for listening to all that. Now I feel like I’ve been recharged. Mind, body, and spirit—” a loud growl interrupted them and she looked down. “”Well, at least my mind and spirit are recharged!” She nodded, decisively. “The best way to stave off hunger is with some vigorous activity! I’m going to jog home. Take care!”

She stood up, but he raised his voice just slightly and called her name. “Yoshizawa-san.”

“Yes, senpai?”

“At least let me buy you dessert to celebrate your renewed determination.”

It was still too early for him to go meet Yoshida-san and help with the speech he knew was going to take place today. He thought about heading back to Leblanc to make a cup of coffee while he waited for the appointed time. Maybe he’d even get a start on his homework. Or, since he was in the area, he could head to Protein Lovers and get a quick workout in.

While he was trying to decide, he received a notification of a new chat and checked his phone.

Subject: **How could you?!**  
Mishima: _How could you, Amamiya?!_  
Ren: _How could I what?_  
Mishima: _If you were going to the summer festival, why didn’t you invite me?!_  
Mishima: _They’re showing it on TV._  
Mishima: _Something about it being hot in December, or saying sweets are “to die for” …?_  
Mishima: _There’s a bit with Sakamoto saying some really crazy stuff._

Ren sighed and typed back a reply.

Ren: _Mission failed._  
Mishima: _Mission? What are you talking about?_  
Mishima: _Look, my point is, next time you guys are going out to have fun, can’t I come along too?_  
Mishima: _I’m the Phantom Thieves’ producer, you know!_

Ren closed his eyes, trying not to sigh. He failed at that, too. He really wanted to like Mishima, but this whole producer thing was getting really annoying. He’d intended to talk to him about it before now but… other things were always more important, and Mishima was content to just contact him about new cases and happenings on the Phan-Site by himself.

He started typing his reply, sending multiple messages in quick succession before he put his phone away and continued walking.

Ren: _How is that festival related to the Phantom Thieves?_  
Ren: _Stop deciding things by yourself._  
Ren: _I was invited to go hang out with my friends, so I was spending time with my friends. You don’t act like you want to be my friend, so you didn’t get an invitation._  
Ren: _I wanted to get to know who you were outside of the Phantom Thieves, Mishima, but it doesn’t seem like you want to know me as a person too. It’s always about the Phantom Thieves or the Phandom with you._  
Ren: _If you want to be my friend, then be my friend. If you don’t want to know me outside of the Phandom, fine. But you need to decide what you want, and it’s not a decision I can make for you._  
Ren: _If you had been acting like a friend all this time, I definitely would have asked about inviting you. But since you’re only the producer for the Phantom Thieves, I only contact you about Thieves business._  
Ren: _When you make up your mind about what’s more important to you — Phantom Thieves or friendship — let me know._

He may have said more than he intended to, but he thinks he made his point clear.

At this point, homework sounded wonderful. He would probably replay the whole chat conversation in his head if he went to the gym, and he really wanted to move on from it and pretend that he was unworried about the state of their relationship.

Ren was starting to notice that some of his friends and Confidantes didn’t appreciate it when he spoke up about his own preferences. If he let them dictate how they treated him, or if he bent to fit the space they allowed him to take up in their life, it was fine. But the moment that he asked them to allow him to be his own person, he felt their Bond tremble like a warning bell tolling in his mind.

Ren was able to get a fair bit of his homework completed before his phone chimed with new chat messages. It was Sunday, so he was planning to assist with Yoshida-san’s speech as he always did, but he paused on the message from Iwai-san.

He still hadn’t been able to bring himself to visit the airsoft shop since their last meeting. 

Gathering his homework, he smiled at Sojiro-san and headed upstairs to put it away before sending Yoshida-san a text letting him know he was on his way to the Square.

“I’m leaving, Sojiro-san.”

“Be careful out there, kid.” Sojiro-san was far less strict with him since that day he’d called Maruki-sensei over for an emergency therapy session, Ren noticed. He had started responding positively to Ren’s manners, and Ren didn’t think it was his overflowing Charm that was doing the trick.

They met with the Dietman, Matsushita-san, after the night’s speech was over and learned about Kuramoto-san’s duplicity and ultimately betrayal of Yoshida-san. After the two adults spoke for a time and Yoshida-san gave his answer, Matsushita-san left.

Yoshida-san stretched and let out a large sigh.

“My friend is trying to take advantage of me, while my former mentor is trying to win me over. To achieve my dream, I have to set aside my beliefs. What should I do?” It wasn’t a real question, but Ren thought about it anyway.

If there was one thing that assisting Yoshida-san had taught Ren, it was that sticking to one’s own convictions was the most important thing, and he told the older man so. 

It was truly the only answer.

Yoshida-san smiled, “Yes, you’re right. Betraying myself means betraying my supporters… which also means betraying you.” He chuckled. “For some reason, just talking with you always helps me make up my mind. Why, it’s as if my heart is being manipulated.” He turned to face Ren fully. “Perhaps… If the Phantom Thieves truly do exist, then I’m sure they’re very much like you.”

Ren took his hands out of his pockets, standing very straight and meeting Yoshida-san’s eyes through his glasses. His heart was pounding in his chest. He shook his head. “Not me.”

Yoshida-san continued in the same quiet, warm voice. “For some reason you stood by me, No-Good Tora, who didn’t have any supporters. Actually, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. You must have experienced cruelty and injustice in this life, Ren. I can tell by the look in your eyes.”

Ren could feel a lump forming in his throat from the kind look on Yoshida-san’s face as he spoke. His heart racing, palms sweaty.

What would they do if he got found out as the leader of the Phantom Thieves?

“That’s why I sense your desire to help the weak. And the strength to stand up to the hecklers, to Matsushita, and to Kuramoto’s grandson. You are no ordinary high school student. Even I know that much.” His voice gentled. “Would you care to… talk about it?”

Ren struggled for a long moment, biting back the two harsh statements that wanted to fly out of his mouth, sharp and painful: _so what if you’re right?_ and _what good would talking about it do?_. 

But Yoshida-san had been nothing but kind to him, and the man deserved better from Ren than a fit of teenage temper.

“Just kidding. I apologize. I crossed the line there.” Yoshida-san was laughing. “I’ve always lacked restraint in these situations— see what I did there, my young friend? I relieved the tension by making fun of myself. Please think of it as an advanced technique for winning people over.”

“Yoshida-san?” Ren’s voice was soft, tentative. With anyone else, it would not be enough to interrupt them, but Yoshida-san stopped speaking immediately and turned focused, kind eyes on Ren, patiently waiting for him to find the words he wanted to say. “If… if you weren’t wrong… and if I wanted to talk about it… would you have some time to talk after this?”

Yoshida-san just gave him a kind, understanding smile. “Of course, my friend. Come, let me treat you to dinner somewhere quiet, where we can speak privately about the things that trouble you.”

In the end, Ren spoke very little about his experience as the leader of the Phantom Thieves, and more about the troubles that had landed him in Tokyo in the first place. His frustration at the entire legal system, the police, and every adult that he met who not only allowed the corrupt systems to exist but enforced them. He spoke, too, about his frustrations with Iwai-san, and how he was worried that he might not be able to return to the airsoft shop until he had resolved them within himself.

Yoshida-san’s eyes blazed, but the man had made it clear he did not intend to speak until Ren indicated he was done. Instead, he listened quietly, clenching and unclenching his fists.

“—and all this time, I think I just wanted someone to look up to, you know? Someone who has been through something similar and could show me what to do next. Or, you know, what not to do. And instead when I think I find that person…” Ren grit his teeth. He held his breath for a few seconds and exhaled slowly, trying to force the frustration to go with it. “So, that’s my situation, Yoshida-san.”

“My dear, young friend. Thank you for sharing with me.” Despite the fire in his eyes, Yoshida-san’s voice remained kind and patient. “You have indeed been through a lot, especially these last few months.”

Ren shrugged and took a sip of his water.

“I am pleased to see that your strength of conviction and desire to remain true to your own beliefs is not a recent addition. Tell me: was the decision you made back then wrong?”

Ren sat up straight, his gray eyes wide as Yoshida echoed Arsene’s words back to him. Wordlessly, Ren shook his head.

“I see. I would agree with you, of course, that you did the right thing. It is clear that there is far more going on behind the scenes than either you or I are aware of. But Ren,” Yoshida-san leaned forward, “you are no longer alone. Though I am only able to fight for you on this side, I will fight for you in any way that I am able. Do you understand? If there is something that I, No-Good Tora, can do for you, please let me know and I will do everything I can to help.”

They talked for a long time after that, Yoshida-san offering gentle advice on how to handle certain situations, asking after some of the other people that Ren had forged connections with and how their relationships were developing, echoing the caution that Takemi-sensei had stressed. They talked about the justice system as he had experienced it, and what needed to be changed so another case like his would not slip through the cracks.

They also talked about Iwai-san, and the way Ren’s emotions were still all tangled up about him. How the thought of responding to one of his messages about work, of all things, made Ren nervous.

They even talked a little bit about the thoughts and fears that Ren had been keeping secret from everybody, even Morgana, and what he might be able to do to help his friend.

“Yoshida-san… thank you.”

The Bond that stretched between them felt strong — unbreakable, even. More than that, the decision to confide in Yoshida-san had been entirely his own, and he did not have any prompting from any Persona that rested within his soul. The Bond he shared with Yoshida-san filled him with confidence, courage, and the determination to see this through to the end, whatever that end may be. Yoshida-san had seen Ren as he was and accepted him, never asking Ren to become something that he was not.

On the way back to Leblanc once he and Yoshida-san had parted ways, Ren gathered his courage to send a message to Iwai-san. 

Subject: **About work…**  
Ren: _Today was the last day of finals, so I think my evenings will be more free in the next couple of weeks. Apologies for making you wait, Iwai-san._  
Iwai: _Kaoru has exams too, so I get it. Don’t forget to be a kid every now and again._  
Ren: _If you don’t mind, I can start working most Sundays regularly once my summer break starts._  
Iwai: _That would be a big help._

Ren pauses, wondering if he should say what he really wanted to say, or if it would be better to keep their relationship professional. He already had the message typed out, but his thumb hovered over “send” as he questioned himself. A part of him wanted to forge ahead but wondered if he had the Guts to follow through.

Remembering that Iwai-san appreciated it more when people were straightforward with him, Ren sent the message anyway. It was awkward, but truthful.

Ren: _I haven’t been very comfortable around you since last time, so I apologize for avoiding you. I had a different expectation of you, and when you didn’t meet that expectation I was upset about it. I promise that I will do better going forward._

Iwai-san’s reply was a long time coming, and Ren was almost at the stop for Yongen-Jaya when he received it.

Iwai: _If you’re uncomfortable working with an ex-Yakuza like me, don’t worry about it, kid. You don’t gotta force yourself to be around me if it makes you uncomfortable. I’m not that hard up for help that I can’t survive without you._

Ren, surprised but also half-expecting that response, responded immediately.

Ren: _The Yakuza part isn’t what I was worrying about, though that was a little bit surprising. I was talking to someone about the situation today, and I think I was looking for a mentor in you. It was unfair of me to put you on a pedestal or place you in a role like that without knowing how you felt about it, so when I was confronted by that I was upset about it. I took it out on you, so I’m sorry._  
Iwai: _I ain’t fit to be anyone’s mentor. Now you know._  
Iwai: _So just forget about it, kid._  
Iwai: _Let me know when you’re ready to work again._

It was as close to forgiveness as he would ever get with Iwai-san.

A voice within him that sounded very much like Yoshida-san spoke up from within, _There was never anything to forgive, you silly boy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Makoto + Maruki scene was a BEAST and it would NOT END. We're starting to see her looking into herself more and soon she'll be growing. I'm so excited.
> 
> Also, as I write more Maruki scenes I feel like I need to tell people that I am NOT a therapist of any kind, but I have a fair bit of therapy experience as a patient. One of the things he referenced in this chapter is the 5 Apology Languages - which was incredibly helpful when my own therapist brought this up to me.
> 
> I also have Ren taking up his own space here, and he'll be doing so much more regularly. This, of course, begins causing problems with other Confidantes (like we see with Mishima and Morgana in this chapter, as he doesn't just... do what he's told).
> 
> One last note before I post this: I have started to realize that I'm not going to be able to write every event or Confidante that I'd planned to write. For example, Ohya hasn't made an appearance yet but in my mind Ren has visited with her since the timeline of this story has begun. So we're going to assume that some things are continuing, and I'm going to kind of... leave it to the imagination how they play out.
> 
> Oh -- just kidding, I had another thing I wanted to say -- the tags may not be completely accurate or up to date at the moment. Especially regarding the relationships. I intend there to be relationships, but this is primarily a Ren-focused story, with any romance taking the backseat.


	12. Fireworks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fireworks festival and surrounding moments go a little bit... differently than expected. Ren is very, very tired and would like some time to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took time off from writing after hitting my 50k for NaNoWriMo because Words Are Hard. This was actually the chapter that I was working on when I hit 50k! Then, I took about 2 weeks off of writing AND reading, then came back and finished the chapter all in one sitting!
> 
> Thankfully, I'm back at it with 4 different writing projects in the works, including this one, and a brand new podcast!

**Chapter 12:** _Fireworks_

Ren had barely finished breakfast and been getting dressed for the day when his phone went off, a notification from Mishima. He frowned at it before opening the chat and reading the messages.

Mishima: _Hey, I saw some disturbing news online._  
Mishima: _It sounds like it’ll be really bad if it turns out true._

Ren’s frown deepened, and Morgana hopped up on his lap, asking who it was. Ren turned his phone so Morgana could see the photo of Mishima in the chat.

Ren: _What’s this about? I’m in a hurry so I don’t have time to chat right now._  
Mishima: _Sorry, Amamiya. I’ll make it short._  
Mishima: _It seems like an insane group is getting ready to declare war on the Phantom Thieves._  
Mishima: _I was afraid to just hold on to the information myself, so I wanted to tell you at least._  
Mishima: _Sorry to bother you on your day off. And… I promise, I’m thinking about what you said before._  
Ren: _I’m glad you’re taking it seriously. Thank you for the warning._

“What could he mean by an insane group…?” Morgana asked.

Ren shrugged. “I think I heard something about this on the TV but I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m not too worried.”

Morgana nodded. “All right then. Let’s think about this more after we get back. We don’t have much time, so let’s get going. Oh! And remember to leave your glasses at home today!”

Finally, the day of the fireworks festival had come. Ryuji, Ren, Morgana, and Yusuke were waiting for Ann and Makoto to arrive, chatting amongst themselves.

“So, I know that it has been some time — I had intended to ask you yesterday — are you truly okay with Nijima-san being here, Ren?” Yusuke spoke up.

Ren nodded, still trying to see through the crowds for the girls. There were many women walking around wearing brightly colored yukata, but none of them seemed to be their girls. “She apologized and meant it. I know that it will take some time for us to get used to each other, but I feel a lot better about it now than I did before finals.”

Yusuke’s smile was serene. “Wonderful! I had been worried. Still, as always, we will follow your cues, Joker. Lead us and we will not hesitate to follow.”

Ryuji groaned, complaining about the heat, and the topic was successfully changed, nobody worrying about any lingering tension getting in the way of their celebration. Multiple young women approached them, all commenting on Yusuke’s yukata and many of them trying to get them to go to the fireworks together.

Yusuke and Ren quickly shut down every attempt, though Ryuji was loudly and eagerly willing to go along with them. More than once, he suggested going with them rather than waiting for their friends. 

Combined with the heat, the crowds, and the constant rounds of attention from strangers and continuous complaining from Ryuji about everything under the sun, Ren’s nerves were shot and his patience was low. 

“We’re waiting for Ann and Nijima-san,” Ren said, his voice sharpening. “Stop disrespecting our friends just because you want to hang out with a pretty stranger.”

“I’m not disresepectin’ ‘em, man, I just want some arm candy for once, yanno?” Ryuji whined.

“I’d rather have the company of Ann and Nijima-san any day.” Ren stood up straighter, the mantle of Joker donned between one breath and the next as he frowned at his best friend. His voice sharper, frown more severe, eyes dark and unyielding, his gaze cutting through layers of masking and misdirection to see the truth that hid beneath the surface.

“As would I. Ryuji, please. This behavior is quite repulsive.” Yusuke’s frown was severe and the air around him cooled as he regarded Ryuji. He placed his hands within the long sleeves of the yukata and turned away from them both, walking a short distance away to continue looking for the girls.

Yusuke had said all he had to say on the situation. Ren found Fox’s quiet dignity quite admirable, and hoped one day to replicate it within himself. He could feel his understanding of Charm increase at the admission.

“C’mon, man, you’re supposed to back me up here! We see them, like, _all_ the time! What’s wrong with wantin’ another pretty girl on your arm, huh? With your looks, you could have anyone you want!”

The thin thread of patience Ren was holding on to snapped. He wasn’t sure what was the final straw: the whining, the heat, or the insistence that Ren would follow where Ryuji leads even if it was against his own beliefs and morals.

“Arm candy, Ryuji? Is that truly what you want?” Ren’s voice was quiet, and the air between the two of them was buzzing with energy, like a Zionga beginning to charge. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d think you were starting to sound like Kamoshida.” 

Ryuji winced and hung his head. “Low blow, man.”

“Is it? Would you rather spend time with those girls who cave to society’s expectations? Or would you rather spend time with _our_ girls?” Without the glasses, Ren’s glare was fierce and made Ryuji feel like he’d been attacked by a triple-strength Garudyne. “If you want to go watch the fireworks with them, that’s your choice. But leave the rest of us out of it.”

Ryuji groaned. “Aw, man, you know they’re not gonna go with just me. It’s gotta be all of us!”

“That’s not my problem, is it?” 

“Ah, I can see them coming this way!” Yusuke called, his voice excited and warm. It was a welcome interruption. “Yes, what a fantastic image they make. The grace, the beauty — our Ann and Makoto truly do honor their yukata!”

Ren looked in the direction he’d turned, and had to agree. The girls coming towards them were breathtaking, and attracting attention from the crowd they were trying to push through to meet up with them.

Not all attention was good attention.

Ren stepped away from the column and raised his hand in greeting. “Let’s go meet them, Yusuke. Stunning girls like ours shouldn’t have to force their way through a crowd.” He glanced over his shoulder at Ryuji. “You can come with us if you want to, or you can watch the fireworks with another group. But you won’t talk about girls like that around me, and I know your mama wouldn’t want to hear you talking like that around her, either.”

He left Ryuji behind with long, quick steps and offered his elbow to Ann once he reached her. She eagerly accepted, lacing her arm through his and beaming up at him.

The girls must have been close enough to them to overhear at least part of their conversation because their faces were flushed pink and they both had embarrassed, pleased smiles on their faces.

Ren walked away with a girl on each arm, and Yusuke gushing loudly about how he would love to paint such a scene, while Ryuji stayed behind, mouth agape as he tried to comprehend what had just happened.

By the time he realized they were leaving him behind, the crowd had closed off in between them.

“Wait for me!” he yelled, pushing through the crowd.

He could think about how his Ma would act later. For now, he wanted to spend time with his friends.

One thing that nobody warned the Phantom Thieves about was how the Metaverse could bleed into their mundane life. How it could change their perception of everyone and everything around them, including themselves. How the lines between “self” could easily become blurred.

Some performances can dig their claws into the depth of you without you realizing, and soon the act becomes your reality. But if you’re already used to wearing the mask in one context, would you complain when it becomes easier than breathing?

Would you even notice?

In the end, they all stood together to watch the fireworks, but they couldn’t get a good spot to see because of the crowd. It was only a few minutes before the sky opened up and the downpour started.

Their celebration was canceled because of a heavy rain and flood warning.

Ann lifted the skirt of her yukata and attempted to wring the fabric dry, Ren and Yusuke kept their eyes carefully averted, but Makoto noticed Ryuji’s eyes straying to her friend’s long legs.

“Looks like you need some help, Ann…” Ryuji said, when he was caught looking.

Ann gritted her teeth and stepped close to him, grabbing on to his shirt. “If you wanna help, then why haven’t you bought me a towel, huh?”

“W-well, why don’t we do that now? There’s a convenience store right here, after all…”

Soon, the group found themselves inside the crowded store, one of many groups that decided it would be the perfect place to get out of the rain.

“We made such a commotion with the public, and this is what we get?” Ryuji scoffed. “Laaaaaame.”

“Ryuji!” Ren hissed, his eyes narrow. “We’re in public.”

“Yeah? So? Ain’t like nobody’s gonna know what we’re talkin’ about. Besides, ain’t heros that lurk in the shadows boring?”

Ren shook his head sharply. “That’s how it should be, for things like this. And if you’re not careful, you’ll get us all caught.”

“Would that be such a bad thing, though? I mean… I wanna change the world with a loud bang, like a huuuuuge firework!”

“That may be so, but Amamiya-kun has his probation to consider. If it even _looks_ like he has stepped out of line, he will face dire consequences. Isn’t that true?” Makoto met Ren’s eyes and he nodded, smiling gently at her in gratitude. 

Ryuji groaned. “I guess… and, well, I suppose we aren’t gonna find someone bigger than Kaneshiro that easily.”

“Ryuji!” Makoto and Ann hissed. 

Yusuke sighed, shaking his head. For a person who understood _people_ so well, Ryuji had some blindspots that could end up getting them all in trouble. He looked outside and noticed the rain had lessened. “The rain is letting up. Though it’s regrettable, we should go our separate ways for today.”

“Yeah, let’s go home!” Morgana agreed.

Ren nodded, but turned a considering eye on the group. He didn’t move to walk away, and none of them did, either. There was something in the back of his mind that he’d been pushing away, and if he could only grasp it and address it now, perhaps they would be saved a lot of hardship in the future. But what was it? And why now?

“I wonder if we’ll be on the news again tonight? Wouldn’t that be sweet?”

Ah. That was it.

This focus on fame and glory had been bothering him. Surely, if Ryuji felt that way, the others may have similar ideas?

“I think it bears some repeating that The Phantom Thieves came into being as a way to _help people_ ,” Ren kept his voice as light and carefree as he could make it, his quiet voice cutting through the chatter amongst his friends and turning their attention to him. “The fame feels good, and it’s validating, but that is _not_ the reason we do this. As we are deciding our next target, I think it is more important than ever to keep that in mind. And to stay _quiet_ about it.” Ren’s gaze met and held Ryuji’s until Ryuji looked away.

It was an overall more subdued “yes, Leader!” that followed, but Ren felt good about speaking up. A small voice within him cheered, as if that one act — speaking up — had corrected the course of events that would one day take place.

His heart was pounding in his chest, but it was worth it to see his teammates stand a little taller and raise their heads with pride in their eyes rather than the desperate grab for fame that could have taken hold of them.

_An unjust game,_ that tiny voice said, _but that does not mean it is impossible to win._

The weight of Yoshida-san’s bond pressed on him, reminding him to stick to his convictions, and he felt himself settling more deeply into his own skin.

The Phantom Thieves were just.

He barely heard Makoto calling his name when he turned and started walking away. He glanced over his shoulder at her, curious.

Makoto’s face turned a delicate pink that matched the large flowers on her yukata, and her hands were pressed together in front of her body. “May I have a moment of your time? Privately, please?”

Ren breathed deeply, holding the breath for a moment before letting it out. It felt like it had been a long time since he had a moment to himself, and even longer since he and Makoto had been alone together. He nodded.

“Morgana? Will you go ask Ann if you can stay with her tonight?” Ren let Morgana out of the bag and the cat just blinked huge blue eyes at him before scampering away. “Shall we walk to the station together, then, Makoto-san?”

The blush on her face spread until her entire face was pink, and her eyes went impossibly wide as a smile grew. “Just Makoto, please. And, yes, I would like that, Amamiya-kun. Thank you.”

He felt the hum of their bond in his mind and smiled gently at her. “Just Ren, in that case. Shall we go?”

He offered her his arm, and she took it gently.

They walked quietly for a time, as Makoto gathered her thoughts. Ren didn’t mind the quiet — he actually enjoyed the feel of her arm pressed against his, the lightness of the bag on his shoulder, the realization that she didn’t expect him to fill the silence between them with chatter.

The relief felt like her cool Diarama settling over him. Morgana’s healing spells always felt a little rough, like his tongue when he forgot himself and licked Ren like the cat he swore he was not. Ann’s always held the warmth of her passions, sometimes smothering him like a hug he was unprepared for. Makoto’s was like a cool breeze on a warm day, distant and composed but no less caring, at the same time a refreshing burst of unrestrained freedom. 

The freedom to be oneself, to cast off all restraints, to break free of overbearing expectations.

“Ren?” Her voice was tentative.

“Makoto?” He answered lightly, making a face. They stopped.

She giggled. “Your eyebrows just—” she cleared her throat. “N-Nevermind.” She took a deep breath. Steeling herself. “Anyway. I… wanted to thank you for walking with me. And I also wanted to apologize to you for my behavior in the past.”

She slipped her arm out of his and turned to face him, bowing slightly with her hands pressed together against the front of her yukata.

“I am truly sorry for the way that I treated you, and I intend to do better going forward. I do truly value you, and I want to pursue a relationship with you as friends. Though I am clumsy, I can learn. Please allow me to have another chance to be your friend, though I have treated you poorly and do not deserve it.”

He blinked. “Raise your head, Makoto.”

She did, and she met his eyes with the kind of determination he usually saw directed at particularly difficult Shadows or math problems.

“I only want to say this once, and then I never want to talk about it again, okay?”

She nodded.

“You blackmailed me. You hurt me. You belittled me. You tried to force me into a role that I didn’t fit. You tried to control me. You assumed the worst of me without listening to my side of things or checking the facts. You were the same as everyone else out there. The same kind of people that we’re working against.” The more Ren spoke, the more came out. He didn’t intend to tell her all of that, thinking that maybe he was being too harsh on her.

But Makoto bit her lip and nodded, looking at her feet. She didn’t say anything to defend herself.

He softened his voice. “But you’re also apologizing and actively trying to do better and be _better_ than that. You’re facing your mistakes head on, accepting them, and moving forward. It takes a lot of courage to do that, Makoto.” 

She peeked up at him, and he could see the tears in her eyes. 

He smiled at her and swallowed down the rest of what he wanted to say. “I think we’re going to be okay, but we both have some growing to do. If you’re willing to do your own work, and let me be my own person, then I’m willing to move forward with you and fight for our friendship.” The corner of his lip quirked upward. “See what kind of people we turn out to be. Yeah?”

Makoto nodded. “That sounds… wonderful, Ren. Thank you.”

Their bond burned brightly inside of him, the tentative connection growing stronger between them.

When Ren arrived back at home, there was a woman sitting at the counter. He stopped just inside the cafe, unwilling to go upstairs just in case Boss needed his help again. The tension in the cafe was thick, and it had Ren on edge.

“So you won’t tell me, no matter what?” The woman’s voice was low but her eyes never left Sojiro’s.

“I have nothing more to say to you about that.” Sojiro’s voice was firm, his eyebrows drawn together.

The woman stood up. “I see,” she said lightly. “In that case, I have ways of making you talk.”

“Huh? What’s that supposed to—”

“Thanks for the drink.” The woman cut him off, standing to grab her bag, before pushing past Ren and walking out of the cafe.

“H-hey, we’re not done here yet!” Sojiro called after her.

There was a desperate note to Sojiro’s voice, and anxiety buzzed under Ren’s skin. He wanted to reduce the tension, but there was little that he could do, and Sojiro never appreciated Ren’s meddling.

“I’m home,” Ren announced quietly. “Want some help tonight?”

Sojiro sighed gustily. “Yeah, that’s obvious. It’s past closing time. Clean up the place.”  
“That’s the plan, Boss.”

It was a grumpy Sojiro, but at least it was a Sojiro that he was used to standing behind the counter. Ren would count it as a win.

While Ren was washing the dishes, it was clear what Mishima had been talking about that morning. The announcement from Medjed was playing on the news, with threats against the Phantom Thieves.

Akechi was being interviewed about Medjed and the Phantom Thieves, too. Ren thought he looked tired.

“Phantom Thieves, huh? What in the world are they? You know about them?”

“Who, the Phantom Thieves? I’m not interested in them, but I’ve heard their name a few times.” Ren nodded at the TV, “Especially when Akechi-san is on, it seems like the only thing they want to ask him about.” Ren shook his head. “You’d think they’d have more important things for a detective to focus on, wouldn’t you?”

Sojiro hummed. “You’d think so. Well. It’s about time I go home. Make sure you lock the place up. Also— about the stuff in the fridge… Well, I guess it’s fine. Just don’t use too much of it.”

Ren perked up. If Sojiro was saying what he thought he was saying, that meant… 

“Thank you, Sojiro-san!”

“Yeah, yeah. Maybe if you cook at home more often, you can quit one of those part-time jobs you have.” Sojiro gave him a pointed look. “Or at least come home earlier.”

Ren grinned. “Sorry, Sojiro-san. I actually just accepted another position.”

Sojiro stopped, his hat half-way to his head. “Oh? And what is it this time?”

“It’s. Uh.” Ren turned back to the dishes, his head down as he continued speaking. “In Shinjuku, actually. At a bar called Crossroads. The owner is there, and it’s completely safe. I’m not handling the alcohol at all, and Lala-san makes sure somebody trustworthy walks me to the bus stop every night, but when I work there I won’t be getting home until much later than usual.”

He had thought about hiding it from Sojiro, but the man had a way of knowing things that went on in his life either way, so he might as well be forthcoming about it.

Sojiro’s sigh was so loud that Ren almost regretted telling him. “I really can’t handle this right now. But you and I are going to sit down and talk about this soon, kid. Don’t think you’re getting out of it.” He shook his head. “I’m gonna go gray before my time. Or bald. Ugh. Go to bed once you’re done with the dishes.”

“Good night, Sojiro-san!”

“Goodnight, kid.”

The cafe was quiet except for the sound of running water and the quiet drone of the newscaster on the TV as they played the interview with Akechi.

Akechi’s serious, disapproving voice, and the dark circles around his eyes haunted Ren even after he switched off the TV, made himself a cup of coffee and plate of leftover curry and rice, and ate in the silence of the abandoned cafe. 

_“It’s possible that more people like these will continue to appear due to their influence. In that respect, the Phantom Thieves face a very serious crime.”_

What crime is that, Akechi? He wanted to ask his friend. But the newscaster had asked and had not gotten an answer, instead Akechi’s face smoothed out into that plastic smile. Picture perfect and entirely fake.

Somewhere, a clock was ticking. Counting down to the appointed time.

Subject: **Nice look, detective**  
Ren: _Saw you on TV today. Something about a… hacker group?_  
Ren: _You think that’s even serious?_  
Ren: _By the way, is that a new tie?_  
Akechi: _Doesn’t your cat enforce a bedtime?_  
Ren: _Good work today! And, yes. But I’m free of him tonight. He’s spending the night with Ann._  
Ren: _I finally got a moment to myself at home._  
Akechi: _And you choose to chat with me, instead?_  
Ren: _Of course!_

Ren paused, his fingers hovering over the keyboard before he decided to throw some caution to the wind and send the message anyway.

Ren: _You looked tired. Please don’t push yourself so hard._  
Akechi: _I really have no choice in the matter. But I appreciate your concern._

The hands on the clock continued to move forward, and each second that passed brought the future ever closer. 

A time when all choices would be final, and each action received it’s consequence. 

A time when second chances would no longer be granted.

A time when the choices that were made could not be taken back.

Counting down to the inevitable conclusion of the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had these Ryuji scenes in mind for, like, years. So it's really good to finally get it down on paper somewhere. Please, Ren, call him out on his gross misogyny.


	13. The Illusion of Fine, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything happens all at once, and it's a little too much sometimes.

**Chapter 13** : The Illusion of “Fine” - Part 1 

As anticipated, Ren scored at the top of the class for his exams. He had worked hard since April, especially once he realized he would not be getting a fresh start at Shujin Academy. Now, all of his lonely time spent in the library pretending to ignore the whispering, afternoons studying at the diner with endless refills of coffee, and late nights pouring over his books in the booth at Leblanc was finally paying off. More than once he’d sacrificed sleep in order to review the materials, and he had quickly developed a taste for crossword puzzles. He had even been spending the free time from Kawakami-sensei studying and reviewing class materials, even though he’d rather make lockpicks.

He allowed himself a moment to celebrate his victory, though he noticed the eyes watching him. Had he become more Charming in addition to his encyclopedic Knowledge giving way to erudite?

Whatever Charm he possessed still was not enough to save him from being cornered by Ryuji and Mishima in the hallway while he was on his way back to class. 

The three of them talked briefly about exams, with Mishima having managed a respectable score. Mishima gave Ren a high five in congratulations for taking the top spot in their class. 

Unsurprisingly, Ryuji did poorly.

“We were busy,” Ryuji whined. “It’s not like I could focus on studying! Hey, Ren,” Ryuji turned to him with hope in his brown eyes, “It’s not my fault my scores suck, right?”

Raising his eyebrows, Ren presses his together in a tight line. He pushes up his glasses and says, quietly but decisively, “It’s absolutely your fault.” He resisted the urge to say more.

He’s peeved that Ryuji expects him to agree with him at this point. There was time to study. There was time that they, as a group, had studied _together_. Ryuji could have spent time with Makoto to study with her, or popped in on Ann while she was studying by herself or at the booth in Leblanc. Hell, he could have asked to borrow _Morgana_ and had the cat feed him all the answers during the tests if he was really interested in passing the exams without studying. But he didn’t. And he expected Ren to go along with it.

Ren wanted to laugh, but he was sure that he wouldn’t stop if he started.

They hadn’t even gone to Mementos yet because exams were happening soon and he’d wanted to make sure everyone had enough time to focus on them, and Ryuji had _still_ done poorly and wanted Ren to pat him on the back and say it was okay.

Ren, who had to juggle studying with numerous part time jobs and Confidant relationships and his own personal relationships and therapy and _Phantom Thief_ business and a growing suspicion that his friend Akechi Goro was not actually—

He exhaled, cutting himself off before he could even finish the thought. Thinking about Akechi that way always made him anxious. This was _not_ the time or place to think about Akechi. At all. “Definitely your fault that you failed, Ryuji. I managed to get top of the class and I have more going on than you do.”

“Wh—hey! You don’t gotta throw the truth in my face like that...”

Ren stared at him until he looked away, uncomfortable. Mishima just laughed, somewhat awkwardly. “You get a job yet, Ryuji?” Ren asked quietly. It was Ren that supported the Phantom Thieves financially, after all — nobody else contributed. Ren couldn’t forget it, and he couldn’t forget that he’d already asked Ryuji to step up and assist. There were a few reasons why he wanted to go to Mementos, and money was one of them. Especially now that they had a new team member to support and were actively looking for targets.

“Anyways. There’s something more important here! Mishima!” Ryuji turned to look at their friend.

Ren flattened his lips and took a deep breath through his nose. Holding it, then exhaling. He was a little too on edge, a little too sharp. A little too much Joker coming to the surface.

Joker didn’t belong in the school. Ren did. Ren, who needed to be polite and patient and _understanding_ and definitely not snap at his friends for expecting so much out of him and giving back so little. He forced the frustration down to focus on the conversation happening in front of him.

Mishima rolled his eyes. “Let me guess - you wanna ask me something about the internet. Right?”

Unashamed, Ryuji nodded. “Yup. I’m gonna be straight with you here: do you know who Medjed is?”

Mishima chuckled. “You weren’t kidding about being direct.” He faced Ren, who met his gaze while shrugging apologetically. He couldn’t control Ryuji. Mishima nodded and continued. “I suppose the news about Medjed and the Phantom Thieves has caused quite the commotion… They started out as hackers of justice, but now they only look out for their own self-interests.” He looked down. “That’s all I know. They were the group that I texted you about yesterday, Amamiya.”

“He did?” Ryuji asked, looking at Ren. “Why didn’t you say anything, man?”

Ren shrugged. “Wasn’t sure if it was the same group or not and wanted to make sure. Mishima and I needed to talk about something else yesterday, anyway.” Ren tilted his head and looked at Mishima, noticing the tenseness that hadn’t been there before. “You know anything about who might be involved with them?”

Mishima shrugged, relaxing a bit as the topic continued. He could handle this conversation. “Nobody’s sure who actually belongs with Medjed, so no. But I can get the forum mobilized and let you know if I hear anything.”

Ren nodded. “Works for me. Thanks, Mishima. Let me know if you hear anything else that might be relevant.”

Mishima saluted. “Will do. I’ll message you later, okay?”

A small smile spread across Ren’s face. “Yeah. Works for me.”

“Wonder if anyone else got any info?” Ryuji asked, taking out his phone as Mishima walked away. 

Ren shrugged, not expecting anyone else to have better luck than they had, but he received the notification for the new chat and checked his phone anyway.

Everybody was anxious about the looming, nebulous threat that was Medjed and nobody had any clues about who they were. Not much change than before, but at least they confirmed that Mishima could tip them off about anything going through the forum. A little more preparation was enough to calm some nerves, but it wasn’t a solution. 

Maybe he would take them all into Mementos after school today. They way everyone could blow off some steam. They had a few targets to take care of, and destroying some Shadows would do the entire team some good. It would certainly take the edge off of _Ren’s_ flaring temper. With everything that had been going on, he was overdue for a good, long Mementos trip. And, who knows, perhaps a new area had opened up.

But first, he needed to stop by and visit with Takemi-sensei. The medicine was almost complete, and he wanted to make ask her when a good time to come by for the final stages would be. He didn’t want to do a clinical trial today, but maybe he would swing by in the next week or so if she said she was ready for him. He would pick up some more supplies while he was there, too, just in case the trip ran long.

He felt himself warming to the idea, and every time his temper flared up during the remainder of the school day he comforted himself with the thought of tearing through the Shadows of a corrupt society in the rotten underbelly of the collective unconscious that was Mementos. 

“Hey Takemi-sensei.” Ren felt a smile growing on his face as soon as he entered the small clinic. Something about being here put him at ease. “When’s a good day for the next clinical trial? I know you’ve been working hard on it, so—” His steps faltered, and the smile froze on his face. Takemi-sensei sat, defeated, at the reception desk. “Takemi-sensei?”

She blinked and it was as if she had just woken up. “Ah. Ren. Hello. I… need to talk to you. No clinical trial today. Maybe not ever again. This may be the last time I get a chance to talk with you as your doctor.”

“Last… time?” Ren held his breath. “What do you mean, Takemi-sensei?”

Forget Mementos for the day. There was something very wrong with Takemi-sensei and he needed to find out what it was.

“Come see me in the exam room and we can talk about it,” she said, turning away.

“Ren?” He hadn’t planned on staying long, so he hadn’t put Morgana down outside the clinic. “Ren, let me out! What’s going on?”

Ren stumbled forward and knelt down, pulling the bag off of his shoulder and letting Morgana out. He couldn’t hear much over the rushing in his ears. “I don’t know, Morgana. But something’s going on with Takemi-sensei and I need to find out what. I… I don’t like this.” He took a shaky breath. 

Morgana’s ears twitched and he hopped up onto his back legs, pressing his front paws against Ren’s cheeks gently. “It’s gonna be okay, Joker. You’ll see. Take some breaths and go see her. I’ll wait right here for you today, okay?”

He nodded, but the world still felt like it was closing in on him. He focused on the feeling of Morgana’s soft paws against his hot cheeks and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths and counting each inhale and exhale. After he counted 5 breaths, he opened his eyes again and met Morgana’s worried gaze.

“Better now?”

“Thanks, Mona. I’m going to go see her.”

Morgana purred in delight and settled down, his tail flicking rapidly. “Of course! Tell me what you can when we go home, okay? I’ll be waiting for you!”

Nodding again, Ren stood. He walked through the quiet clinic on shaky legs until he made it to the exam room where Takemi-sensei was already sitting in her chair, waiting for him. He smiled, but it felt weak, even to him. He knew that she could see through him when she smiled back, without her usual bite.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

He sat on the exam bed, his back straighter than it had been at their first meeting. It seemed so far away now, when he had sat in this same spot demanding that she gives him medicine. He had been so afraid, riding on the first gusts of courage that Morgana gave him. 

“Hey, Takemi-sensei. Sorry I’m late, even though I came to you first. I left my cat in the waiting room.” He was rambling, trying to talk over his racing thoughts, pressing his hands flat against his thighs to fight the itch to tug at his hair. 

_Focus on your breathing._ Maruki-sensei’s advice was clear as day. Ren was trying. Managing.

Takemi-sensei chuckled weakly. “Your cat’s name is Morgana, right? You usually take a minute to let him out before you come here, so it’s fine. I’m used to it.” She paused and really looked at him. “I’ve made you anxious, haven’t I? I know you’re not big on change. I was… rather abrupt out there.”

“It’s fine,” he said quickly. He wanted it to be fine. He was trying to _make_ it fine.

_It’s okay not to be okay, Ren._

“It’s _not_ fine,” she shot back, eyes narrowing. “It was unprofessional of me to speak to you like that, and you deserved better. I certainly know better than that.” She took a deep breath of her own. “I apologize. I wanted to explain it to you properly, which is why I called you back here.”

He nodded. “I’ll listen, Takemi-sensei.”

She smiled, and this time it felt real. “I know you will. You always do, for some reason.” She looked over his shoulder and it seemed like her eyes were farther away than the exam room. “I’m thinking of resigning. I was going to contact you when I made the decision.”

“What?”

She sighed. “It has nothing to do with you, Ren. I’ll make that clear right now. Several of my suppliers have stated that they’re going to stop selling to me.” She met his eyes. “I’m sure you know what that means — if I can’t get my hands on medical supplies, I won’t be able to get what I need to complete the new medicine. And if I can’t complete the new medicine…”

“Miwa-chan,” he murmured.

“Bingo.” Takemi-sensei shrugged. “They’re probably being pressured by Oyamada to stop doing business with me. So I figure it’s over.”

All Ren could focus on was the rushing sound in his ears. Miwa-chan, himself, and all of Takemi-sensei’s other patients…

Takemi-sensei was the first doctor that Ren felt like he could truly trust.

“I wanted to let you know so we could get your records transferred over to someone else. Of course, I wanted to tell you before I told your parents, but I will have to contact them too. Oh, but you’re fine to keep seeing Maruki Takuto for now.” She sighed, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. 

She looked so defeated.

“But—”

“I confirmed with the hospital Miwa-chan was being treated at… Oyamada was telling the truth.” The words stopped Ren in his tracks. “Miwa-chan was apparently smiling until the very end. She probably didn’t want to worry anyone.” Her voice grew thicker with suppressed emotion. “I wish I could have cured her. I didn’t want _fame_ or money. All I wanted… was to keep her smiling…” Takemi-sensei’s voice broke and she turned away.

“I’m sorry, Takemi-sensei.”

She shook her head. “This isn’t just about her though. I was going to help every single person who was suffering from that disease…!”

Ren nodded. He’d felt that desire, too. Not only about the medicine, but his work with the Phantom Thieves.

Her statements echoed within him, striking the same chord again and again. _I didn’t want fame or money._ Neither did we. _I was going to help every single person who was suffering!_ We will.

Takemi-sensei was exactly the same as them. A true ally to the Phantom Theives, in spirit if not in truth.

An echo inside him, _thou art I_.

“Did I ever tell you? I was a sickly child when I was young, too. I was always in the hospital, and was rarely well enough to attend school at all. Medicine was all that kept me alive.” 

“I didn’t know. Is that why you wanted to become a doctor, Takemi-sensei?”

She nodded. “I wanted to save people just like me. But I guess this is where it ends.” She exhaled roughly. “The medical industry is a business, after all, and the chief decides what’s best for it. I’m all out of allies.”

“But… I’m your ally, Takemi-sensei.”

She chuckled at his earnest interjection. “Yeah, you’re right. From your point of view, that is absolutely true. And you have certainly been a support to me. But… you are a child. Unfortunately, this is something that you cannot help me with, though you might be my one and only ally.” She smiled softly at him. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, you know? My practice increased thanks to your nosiness and in the end, I felt like a real doctor again. So, thank you.”

Ren looked down. “And… your patients, Takemi-sensei? What happens to us?”

“There are plenty of other small town doctors. This is where it ends, although it frustrates me. I can’t do clinical trials anymore, so I’ll close out your file and you can go home. I’ll be in touch in the next couple of weeks to let you know the options for your next physician.”

_Is there anything I can do for Takemi-sensei?_ Ren thought desperately. _She says she has no allies, and I’m just a child, but is there something that only **I** can do to help her?_

The pieces of the puzzle started to connect. Of course there was. He rose his head and looked her directly in the eye, sitting up straight. “What’s his full name? Oyamada-san’s.”

“Why? So you can get revenge for me? Not happening.” She was as blunt as ever.

“I won’t do anything. Promise. I just want to make sure I don’t end up there accidentally. I don’t care how famous a doctor he is, I don’t want him treating me.”

She chuckled. “Loyal until the end, aren’t you? Very well. His full name is Oyamada Shoichi. He’s a very influential Chief of Staff in the world of medicine. You may not be able to avoid him entirely, but I’ll make a note of it on your file that you’d like to avoid him so your parents and future physicians are aware. They may not take the note seriously though, just so you know. It’s coming from The Plague, after all.”

He nodded. “I understand. I appreciate it, Takemi-sensei.” He stood up and prepared to leave, feeling his resolve strengthen and the conviction he had as a Phantom Thief rising to the surface. He bowed deeply to her. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Takemi-sensei.”

She smiled. “It was my pleasure, Ren. Take care on your way home, okay?”

He nodded, waved to her, and left. Morgana met him and he didn’t even slow down to settle the cat into his bag.

“Wait for me, Ren!”

“How are we looking on time, Morgana?” Ren asked, holding the door to the practice open for Morgana. “Do we have enough for a Mementos run today? Like, right now? We have an urgent request.”

“Ren? No, definitely not! Morgana Override!”

Ren knelt down for Morgana to jump up on his shoulder, wincing when his claws dug in through the thin t-shirt. “You can’t override for this. Doesn’t count.”

“Does too! You’re not using your brain and going to do something dangerous, I can tell. This is worse than you being exhausted. Morgana Override.”

Ren grimaced. “Fine. We’re going into Mementos tomorrow, then. No distractions or interruptions. The sooner we get this request taken care of, the better.” His frown deepened. “I’ll go alone if I have to.”

Morgana whined. “Ren! We’re not going alone, remember! That’s one of the rules! What’s with you, anyway? You’re never this fired up about a Mementos request.”

Ren paused just outside of Leblanc. This wasn’t a one-sided conversation he wanted overheard. “Takemi-sensei is being forced to retire.” He kept his voice low.

Morgana blinked his big, blue eyes. It took a moment before understanding dawned. “Retiring? But… If she retires, we can’t get our healing supplies!” Morgana yowled. “Ren! This is bad! This is super mega ultra bad!”

“That’s not even the worst of it, but yes.” 

“You gonna be okay?” Morgana asked quietly.

Ren took a deep breath, tightening his fingers around the strap of his bag. “I will be. Takemi-sensei… I won’t let her retire.” He nodded, strengthening his resolve. “She’s not going to retire because we’re going to change that bastard’s heart.”

Once he stepped into the cafe, he received the expected update from the group about Medjed. He read through Yusuke’s enthusiastic report about the Egyptian god, imagining the artist’s grandiose gesturing as if they were talking about it in person. There was a new crossword puzzle today, and though it called his name like a siren’s song he didn’t need Morgana’s scolding to stop playing.

“Master? Is everything okay today? You’re a bit more quiet than usual.” Kawakami-sensei’s cough was worse than it had been in class today.

“I’ll be fine, Becky-sensei. I think I’m just tired, so it’s harder to focus on the homework. Can you help me with this question? I’ll make you some coffee, so you can sit down.”

He sent the group another text message while he prepared the coffee for Kawakami-sensei, listening to her griping about juggling maid duties with her work as a teacher.

Ren: _Mementos ASAP. Keep your schedules free._

They all replied back with an affirmative, and Ren put his phone away. He brought Kawakami-sensei her coffee and tried to focus on her explanation as she walked him through the homework he was having trouble with. At least the hot drink seemed to help her coughing.

His phone buzzed again as he was walking her out, and it was Akechi. The sense of dread that had been following him strengthened, filling him and leaving him breathless. It wrapped it’s hands around his throat and tightened around him until he choked on it.

Akechi: _It seems like the day would never end. Alas, I have a mountain of homework to complete by morning. No rest for the wicked, I suppose. Haha!_  
Akechi: _I heard exam results were posted today. How did you do?_

He turned off the phone without replying, locked the door, turned off the lights, and crawled into bed without getting changed. He rolled over onto his stomach and pulled the pillow over his head.

“Ren?” Morgana called, coming up the stairs. “Oh, you’re already in bed.” The cat’s footsteps were loud in the quiet room as he ran across the floor and jumped up on the bed. “You must be tired, huh?” He curled up in the center of Ren’s back and started purring. “Everything will be okay. You’ll see.”

“’M fine, Morgana. Go to sleep.”

He would be fine. He had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a longer break than I had wanted to, but my mental and emotional health is kind of a mess right now, and it doesn't seem like it's getting significantly better. The entire Futaba arc is going to be very difficult for me to write in my current state, so I'm taking it slowly and trying my best to do right by you, the characters, and myself. So I hope you look forward to it, even if updates are sporadic!
> 
> A fun note: I have Ren practicing a lot of breathing techniques. Partly because it's a fairly simple mindfulness technique, partly because it's my first line of defense for my own mental health crises, and partly because it's the most easily accessible one. You've always got access to your breath!   
> The storyline with Maruki doesn't progress, plot-wise, during the summer, but I intend to have him take on more of a therapist role and we'll have Ren learning some other mindfulness techniques that are drawn from my own experiences with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but also Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. So, if you find yourself going "Wow, Ren sure does breathe a lot!" please know that this is _intentional_ and I call attention to it for a reason.
> 
> This was originally the first... third?... of an incomplete chapter. Please let me know your thoughts!


End file.
